Second BPD relationship

[AliasBristow]

Hi everyone,
It's been a while since I've posted on here - I went though a pretty horrific breakup with my BPD ex a year ago and this site helped a lot. I told myself the one deal breaker when I finally met someone new was if they had BPD. What are the chances right?

Well I met this amazing girl 3 months ago and by the 3rd date I thought I should tell her a bit about the past year I'd had. She was incredible and listened to everything I said and knew just what to say. Except she told me she was diagnosed with BPD 10 years ago. And Bipolar disorder. Which she's on medication for. She said that she doesn't think the BPD diagnosis is relevant to her anymore and it was the result of a bad reaction to medication all those years ago. I decided to take a risk and hope this time was different.

Since then I have fallen madly in love with her. She has been so great with me and putting my mind at ease (got some serious abandonment and self esteem issues due to the ex). But every now and again I've noticed similarities between the two of them and it really scares me. We've had a couple of fights that were over a small issue but she turned it into such a big thing and put complete blame on me, even though I know I'm not all in the wrong. And I ended up apologising over things I knew I shouldn't just because it was easier and didn't feel like it could be resolved any other way. And now due to me being so scared she will leave, I avoid conflict at all costs which means once again walking on egg shells. She also has some serious anger issues (only verbal) which aren't nice to be on the receiving end of either. That aside, I do really want to be with her. We get along so well and have so much fun together. And she does care about me...

I'm so determined to make this work. I'm going to go back to my old psych to get some help on ways to handle certain situations. And she has identified her anger issues and wants to get help for that. So these are good steps, but I still can't get past the inner dread that I'm going to accidentally say the wrong thing and set her off. Is anyone out there in a long term BPD relationship where they have made it work and are happy?

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[pearlsw]

Hi AliasBristow,

Welcome back!

I think there are such situations, but oftentimes these folks leave the site and we do not hear from them anymore. There are success stories though - and it is great when people take the time to come back and share them.

I guess what I would ask more directly is are you ready to do the work involved and take the risk that it may or may not work out? We all take a certain amount of such risks in any relationship it is important to remember and relationships fall apart for all kinds of reasons. We can only do our best in life.

What particular situations are you finding most difficult at this time? What worries you the most?

wishing you well, pearlsw.

[livednlearned]

I told myself the one deal breaker when I finally met someone new was if they had BPD. What are the chances right?

 

They're pretty high for many here. What happened in your last BPD relationship, and how did it end?

How did you meet your new GF, and how long was it between your last r/s and this one?

She said that she doesn't think the BPD diagnosis is relevant to her anymore and it was the result of a bad reaction to medication all those years ago.

Maybe... .it's pretty tricky work to diagnosis BPD, and if anything, psychiatrists tend to err on the side of caution. It's not uncommon for them to dx bipolar and then work with someone over a period of time to determine if BPD is in play as well, especially because the interpersonal stressors take a while to surface. Her symptoms may not be severe as they were when she was diagnosed, and it's possible that she has coped with fears of abandonment through means that might not be as healthy as long-term treatment.

Do you know if she had any long-term treatment to deal with her BPD diagnosis?

she has identified her anger issues and wants to get help for that.

Do you feel she might be downplaying her BPD issues? Does she know you were in a relationship with someone who had BPD?

So these are good steps

It's always good when someone recognizes they need to work on difficult relationship behaviors  

I still can't get past the inner dread that I'm going to accidentally say the wrong thing and set her off.

This part is on you  

You can learn how to validate her to increase the chances she won't become emotionally dysregulated. You can also refuse to get on her emotional roller coaster. Someone struggling with BPD/bipolar needs a partner who can stay grounded. You aren't much help to her if you get on the coaster with her.

The way to stay grounded is to have good boundaries. For some, that might mean telling her how you will take care of yourself when being yelled at (e.g. walking away, ending the call, not texting).

Is anyone out there in a long term BPD relationship where they have made it work and are happy?

I think a lot can depend on how severe the symptoms are, and how willing you both are to learn skills.

If she can steam roll over you and get away with being mean to you, it will likely increase shame and jeopardize your relationship success. The key is to have the strength to protect yourself from being abused, to take care of yourself so you have the self esteem and strength to care for her.