brother with BPD - I need support

[bigsis25]

Hello, this is my first post on here and I actually wasn’t even thinking of joining or posting, I was originally just looking for more information... .

I recently moved back home and although I am the only one of my siblings  that lives at home, being close to my mom and watching her deal with the fallout from my brother’s (diagnosed) BPD has really made the scope of  impact  so much more apparent.

He has been in and out of treatment for years and hasn’t been stable for much time at all this year. I realized yesterday when yet another issue arose that I feel so angry. I know it’s not his fault and I feel so guilty for even just thinking some of these thoughts but keeping all of this in is starting to cause problems in my own life. My brother moved across the country when he was younger (he’s 24 currently)  and totally cut my mom out of his life and now, years later, my mom spends every day worrying about him and trying to find the next best place for him. Things at home are so tense in general because of him but especially when he is living  in the house. I found out last night he may be moving back home and I am just really struggling with this. I am exhausted. I want so badly for him to be doing well for him (obviously!) but also for me and my other siblings and my parents. I’m sorry I’m rambling. I’ll try to wrap it up, I’m just having a really rough day and it’s only 9am. 

I don’t feel like I can talk to others in my daily life and I feel guilty talking to my family about it excessively or sometimes at all because I don’t want to add another layer of stress.

How do you cope with a sibling that has BPD? Cutting him off is not an option though I have distanced myself as much as possible lately. I’m trying so hard to understand what goes on in his head but i just don’t know how to handle being his sister right now. Please help me, any and all advice is greatly appareciated. Thank you

[Panda39]

Hi bigsis25,

I hear you love your brother and I hear your anxiety.  It sounds like having your brother back home is really stressful.  Take a deep breath nothing has happened yet.    

I don’t feel like I can talk to others in my daily life and I feel guilty talking to my family about it excessively or sometimes at all because I don’t want to add another layer of stress.

Have you considered seeing a therapist?  Your feelings about this are just as important as those of your other family members, and your anxiety level seems high.  A therapist can listen, give you support, and help with coping skills around situations with your brother.

You have all of the members here too 

How do you cope with a sibling that has BPD? Cutting him off is not an option though I have distanced myself as much as possible lately.

My first suggestion is take care of you.  Self-care is really important... .think of it like being on an airplane and the oxygen masks come down the flight attendant tells you to put your mask on before helping someone else.  You can't help anyone if you are passed out due to lack of oxygen.  So taking care of you will help you when negotiating issues with your brother.  It is not selfish to take care of yourself.

Can you elaborate on the kinds of behaviors you and your family are seeing when it comes to your brother?  We have a lot of tools that we can share and the members here have probably experienced something very similar.  I was amazed when I first arrived here at how similar all of our stories can be.

I’m trying so hard to understand what goes on in his head... .

Have you done much reading about BPD?  I found it really helpful to get a better understanding of the behaviors I was seeing.  Everything feels so chaotic but once you understand BPD a little bit more it's easier to see what is going on under the surface, why your brother might be acting the way he is.

Two books that I liked were...

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS ‎& Randi Kreger
   
Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

Before I go I also wanted to point out the box to the right --> each item is a link to more information, please check out the "Lesson" section when you get the chance.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[livednlearned]

Hi bigsis25,

I have a uBPD brother and always check in on this board hoping to find someone else who understands these complex feelings. So thanks for posting.

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I remember reading that families who have a BPD member experience a much higher degree of stress than any families living with any other mental illness, including schizophrenia and bipolar. Try to not minimize your feelings -- they are real and many other people share them.

It's not an easy diagnosis for the person who has BPD, and it's especially not easy for those who live with them.

Did you see BPD traits in your brother when you were growing up? I ask because if so, I can imagine that him moving back home will feel triggering, based on any experiences you had as a kid. How does his BPD present?

Through therapy, I realized I had this intense feeling of rage based on competing with him for scarce resources (my parents' attention) with uBPD brother. My whole childhood was pretty much overshadowed by his emotional intensity and impulsivity.

I have such a hard time making sense of our relationship. And my relationship with my parents was always so strained because they put a lot more energy into my brother than anyone else in the family. They even bought him a house, and have paid off credit card debt, loan him money when he struggles to pay his bills.

Meanwhile, they have referred to me as "perfect," which looking back, was almost entirely based on the fact I rarely if ever complained, never asked for anything, and sort of allowed the family to focus on him at all costs. Every funeral, every wedding, he has ruined. And everyone trips over themselves trying to make things right for him.

Anyway, I just wanted to say you aren't alone. I understand why you feel exhausted, and why you feel it's hard to talk about this with friends and family.

As to how you cope, I'm still struggling with that question too. My brother was physically violent during my teens and into my mid 20s.

For my own health, I had to focus on taking care of myself and putting my needs first, and that required some psychological distance for many years. I no longer discuss my brother with my parents -- it just hurts too much for me to have them invalidate those feelings over and over. They will allow me to raise the topic but it's so emotionally distressing for them that somehow I end up feeling guilty.

I also found an NEA-BPD support group for family members, and that was helpful. Everyone understood everyone else, it was quite an experience. Maybe there is a chapter or support group near you?

With the help of therapy, I've learned to grieve and mourn the kind of relationship I wish I could have with them.

I want my brother to do well, too. He was suicidal for many years and I suspect he still struggles. He has a relatively stable relationship, yet the last time I saw his wife she looked so exhausted and ... .meek, for lack of a better word. I suspect he is abusive toward her, and I can say nothing, otherwise it would upset the whole family.

My brother isn't talking to me right now -- he split me black for a reason I can no longer remember. I decided to take care of myself and let him reach out when he feels ready.

Do you know when your brother might be moving back home? Will he be in some kind of treatment or therapy while he's living at home? Will there be any house rules or boundaries for him?