Does my Mom have BPD?

[adelalangan]

Recently my father has disclosed to me that my Mom has BPD. I began to research a little of what it is and even read DSM description of what it is. I found myself amazed by most of the similar descriptions that it described that went along with my mother. She was given medicine for Bi-polar, she becomes very defensive if anyone infers that she might be a bad mother then she will take off on a rampage, she does not speak with half of my family, my father and her divorced, she has kicked me out of the house for issues that did not need to escalate to that period, she used to speak badly about my father around us during the divorce, she is very poor with money and even being forced to take classes in order to raise her credit score, she pulls the victim card like the world is against her, and more. The only problem is that I am not a psychologist and she has not been diagnosed. Although she expressed many of the characteristics, how am I really supposed to say she has it if there is no professional diagnosis?

[Turkish]

Hi adelalangan,



Well, it depends upon what you want to do regarding a Dx or lack thereof. 

I had concluded that my mother was likely BPD and posted for support here.  When she admitted to me that she had BPD,  it felt anticlimactic. 

The majority of the members on the romantic relationship boards have partners who are likely sub-clinical. BPD or not,  we can help you focus on understanding and coping with the behaviors. 

If she's diagnosed with bipolar,  some of her behaviors may be similar.  Bipolar and BPD can also be co-morbid. BPD can also be misdiagnosed as bipolar by inexperienced clinicians. 

What's your goal here? We can support you in many ways 

Turkish

[HappyChappy]

How am I really supposed to say she has it if there is no professional diagnosis?

Hey Adelalangan,

The behaviour you describe does sound very BPD. It must have been very difficult for you growing up. You will find many techniques on here to help deal with such behaviour, so a clinical diagnosis may not be essential. If it is BPD or not, it’s challenging behaviour and you may need time to recover. Feel free to describe challenging behaviour you have struggled with (a BPD has plenty of that) or just to vent, if you are feeling emotional shattered.

A big difference between BPD and Bi-Polar, is that the former shows no empathy. A commonality between the two  may be hypervigelance. Co morbidity, as Turk mentioned, is not uncommon. Welcome to the forum. 

[Brkfst@Tiffanys]

Mostly same boat - my mom doesn't have a diagnosis but has all the traits. For now, I just operate as if she has it... .I use the techniques and strategies recommended for adult children dealing with BPD parents.

If she was going to a therapist, I would have called and tried tell the therapist to look for BPD. My mom is high-functioning, so to my knowledge she's never received that diagnosis. She used to go in with her depression, but I've heard how she recounts her past meltdowns in conversation. She's really good at making herself sound like the rational one or like she just got a teensy bit frustrated. So yeah, if I had recognized this while she was still seeing a therapist, I would have tried to tip them off.

We are currently estranged, and I don't know much about her life. When I was reaching out and trying to fix things, I put the option on the table of us going to the same therapist (separately) so that a third party could help resolve things. Again, if she had taken this option, I would have said something to a shared therapist. But she doesn't seem interested in a resolution that's on an equal footing.

So, I continue to operate under "BPD protocols" as I call them - I've set boundaries, been compassionate, and am waiting until she's ready to meet me part of the way.

Hopefully this helps!