Navigating Holiday Madness with a BPD co-parent

[MidwestNative]

Hi all,

I've been reading this forum for about 6 months and it has been lovely to see how empowering members can be for each other. My partner and I are in therapy to attempt to learn some skills for dealing with a "co-parent" with BPD, however we are struggling because even our therapist seems to not know what else can be done other than trying to manage our own stress (which formidably is a big goal).

First for some background. I'm a stema (aka step mom) to the world's smartest and possibly cutest almost three year old. I met my partner about year and a half ago and we are planning a wedding for next fall.

Our situation is particularly challenging I think because my partner was never in a relationship with my SS (stepson's) mom. They slept together without a condom (which of course is an admirably dumb thing to do with a stranger) after she said she said she didn't like condoms and would take the morning after pill, my partner went and got the morning after pill, she didn't take it, fast forward to three years later with the constant manipulation continuing today. Initially she moved into my partner's spare bedroom (before we met). My partner desperately wanted to be a co-parent and while he refused to be in a relationship with her, he was willing to share his house with her for the sake of his new son. But after 3 months of maternity leave, and 6 weeks of my partner staying home to take care of SS (unpaid paternity leave), the constant barrage of her yelling with little SS in her arms was too much and they both decided it would be better if she moved into her own place in a few months when SS turned 6 months old. Instead of finding a new place she left in the middle of the night that night with SS and went to a domestic violence house where she used to work and claimed that my partner was sexually abusing SS. She refused to allow my partner to see SS or to even tell my partner if he was safe. It was a nightmare few weeks. Finally she claimed child support meaning my partner knew his son was safe and SS's mom began to allow 2 hour visitations on Tuesday and Thursday while she was there. After a lengthy investigation she admitted she may have been "too sensitive" and she did not have any reason to suspect child abuse. She continued to claim that my partner had schizophrenia or some other mental disease. My partner's psych eval came back with no diagnosis/ mentally normative (no need for further treatment); hers came back with a request for further treatment so that she could be properly diagnosed. The therapist said it was clear she was having paranoid episodes but it was unclear why. SS's  mom previously was diagnosed as bipolar after a suicide watch where she checked herself in. And a later family counselor said she might have BPD. She screamed at him when he suggested this and left the office. However the court did not make her have follow up treatment (because they would have to pay for it) and granted her primary physical custody; with my partner getting every other weekend and Tuesday. She refuses to admit she is mentally unhealthy or receive any treatment. She quits her job about every 6 weeks, has been unemployed for the majority of SS's life, and SS has had almost 20 different full-time babysitters or daycare providers in the past 2 years (which my partner primarily pays for).

Fast forward to last summer, when my partner was becoming more involved with SS's life, and requesting more time with him to eventually have 50/50 custody. My SS's mom decided to move two hours away to take a temporary part time position (which is the same position she held in our hometown for a record 7 weeks). There was a $2 an hour increase in pay at her new temporary job but it was still only temporary. This was enough to convince the commissioner that she could move with SS and reduce my partner's parenting time to every other weekend. Since her move, everything seems to have gotten worse if that is possible. She refuses to keep us updated on his medical care such as his numerous trips to the doctor to get antibiotics (which he is on about every other month because she doctor hunts), and has not been packing his inhaler for his asthma. His clothes routinely smell like smoke which of course is aggravating his asthma. She has been picking needless fights about packing clothes (she has stopped packing pajamas and oddly socks) and wants to stop packing weekend clothes all together because it is too much work. His clothes are often stained or not weather appropriate. On (luckily) rare occasions she yells at my partner at exchanges (although this has oddly gotten better since they moved from exchanging at the police station to exchanging at McDonald's). It just sucks to see because little SS gets very scared and anxious with these confrontations. (Is it possible to get a no talking at exchanges clause written into the order). All of which of course sucks, none of which I think we can really do anything about. (Although if anyone has any advice about how to enforce being informed of medical information or packing clothes please let me know!)

All of which brings me to the current situation of holiday messes. Because the judge was not crystal clear in his order (he just said follow parenting time guidelines for holidays), SS's mom has decided she doesn't have to "give" us holidays if it is "inconvenient" for her now that "distance is a major factor". To be clear, no where in the order does it say "distance is a major factor." And we do not have a long distance parenting time agreement.  We have agreed to try to compromise holidays so that we don't have 2 hour car rides in the middle of the week for things like birthdays or Halloween which suck for everyone but especially an active 3 year old. However routinely she just says "no." Originally she was going to give us Thanksgiving (which was her holiday) because she likes to Black Friday shop but when she found out we were going to my family's she took back the offer. Recently she refused to meet us 2 hours earlier on Friday so SS could go trick or treating  with his cousin because she "doesn't have to do."  We can't drive a total of 6 hours on Tuesday for Halloween to pick up SS bring him back to our community, trick or treat, and then quickly drive him back. Instead we proposed an early pick up on Friday, do little kids trick or treating down town and then we would "give" Halloween to her since it is technically our holiday. She is refusing our compromise. Of course this makes our heads spin. This is what is best for SS. Two halloweens with his family and not having to spend an additional 4 plus hours in the car. We haven't even started the Christmas negotiations because frankly we are scared to. Our stress level is at its threshold.

So first my question is do any of you have mantras or things that help for dealing with just the crazy unpredictability? And the irrationality? And the fact that this sucks for the kids? Any little phrases to help remind yourself that you are not crazy? Or any tools that help you not spend one hour of work time posting on forums and obsessively thinking about what you could have done differently or what you should do differently in the future and thinking dear god, will this ever get better? Any way to keep yourself from musing on the unfairness of the world for all involved? (FYI therapy helps but I would love to hear other's tools. I wish I had a local support group for sharing this stuff as my 20-something grad school friends just don't want to hear it!)

Second, how do you arrange holiday time with a BPD parent who sole wish is to keep the child from spending any quality time with "the other family (either mine or my partners)?" Like has anyone tried to get a very specific holiday schedule written into the order? How did that go? Has anyone just given up on holiday time altogether and just settle for whatever scraps you can get?

I would love any suggestions, words of encouragement, or any potentially legal action you think we can/ should take. We are in the state of Indiana. The courts have not been kind to us and we would really REALLY love to not have to go back to court if at all possible. I know this is probably what we all want but we really just want everyone including SS's mom, to be content and at peace (and have as little contact as possible with her). We want SS to grow up secure and free and able to explore this big wide world. We want there to be some sort of foundation for him and for us; some solid ground to stand on because now it just all feels so shaky. That is our goal

I know this is really 8 questions in one, but any tips for resolving parenting time conflicts with a BPD parent 2 hours away would be greatly appreciated!

[MidwestNative]

**whoops I mean admittedly NOT admirably! lord I sounded like arse!
 
"Our situation is particularly challenging I think because my partner was never in a relationship with my SS (stepson's) mom. They slept together without a condom (which of course is an admirably dumb thing to do with a stranger) after she said she said she didn't like condoms and would take the morning after pill, my partner went and got the morning after pill, she didn't take it"

[kells76]

Hi MWN, I'm kells76, and I'm also a stepmom -- welcome to the club! There are a lot of really helpful stepmoms in particular and parents in general here who will understand where you're coming from. My city weirdly didn't have a stepparent support group either, so this is it for me. But it's great!

Oh man, we were so there with the court order... .DH thought he could amicably coparent w/ kids' uBPD Mom (6 yrs ago), so the entire official on-paper parenting plan was ":)H can be with the kids when he's not at work". Guess how well THAT went... .

It was the whole range of "SD doesn't want to talk to you on the phone", "SD's don't want to spend more than 1 night with you", "SD's don't want to do the holidays like that with you", all that stuff. It was "inconsiderate" for us to take the SDs to dinner with my family because we would just "ignore" them there. WHAAAAT? And so much more. So yeah, we've been there with the holiday/other family drama.

How do I deal with the crazy unpredictability? It might have been david or foreverdad here who said something about the craziness BEING what was predictable. I.e., don't be surprised when she does something crazy... .that's just going to be what's normal for her, unfortunately. Be pleasantly surprised when she does something functional. But adjust what you routinely expect from her down a ways.

I also wrote down what happened for almost every time we were with the kids for about 3 years. Start doing that if you're not already. It doesn't have to be super long (unless maybe something intense happens) but you can note things like what you ate for dinner, mood kids were in, watched movie, kids said I love you, clothing/health issue, what you did about it, stuff like that. This serves two purposes: one, it can keep you grounded -- you guys aren't crazy, Son really loves being with you. Two, if this needs to go a legal route, you have the start of some documentation. I ended up keeping every receipt for that time period both to prove location and that we actually got a lot of stuff for the kids. Never needed them but it helped me feel like I was doing something helpful, which can be a hard thing for stepparents (that feeling of "I am powerless to change this situation".

Side note about clothes: Here is your opportunity to take the high road. Just get Son whatever he needs. You can keep it at your place. Wash whatever Mom sends along and return it to Mom nicely folded. Let the battle of trying to make Mom send socks just... .disappear. I have bought SO MUCH UNDERWEAR for the kids. This is a great one to let go.

Holiday schedule: have you posted on the Legal board yet? If you tell them the specifics of your significant other's custody/parenting time arrangement, they can help you guys know what your options are both working from what you have and if your SO may need to start looking at stronger options to enforce his holiday & other PT. Often you can consult with a lawyer at no or low cost (which, now that I read back through your post, you may have done, given that you have been to court already).

Many other members (and my DH) have tried mediation to work out scheduling issues, but with no bigger consequence (i.e. trial) hanging over the disordered ex, there's often no follow through from them. Each situation is different, though, and I think the legal board crew can give you a lot of really great advice.

Again, welcome! You're not alone.

[Panda39]

Hi MidwestNative,

I'm a step... .long term girlfriend (7 years + so far).  I'm not sure how much reading you've done on BPD but I would suggest that if you haven't already.  It really helped clarify what was going on behind the chaos and helped me begin to see what my SO's uBPDxw's behaviors in a different way.  There truly is a pattern to her behavior, her behavior is dysfunctional, but it is now pretty predictable.

Here are a couple good books on BPD in general... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS and Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

I had to chuckle about the clothes issue, that seems to be a standard in the BPD co-parenting handbook (you still get to look forward to the cellphone conundrum  ).  In our case it was the missing socks and underwear all the time!  I think my SO's ex was single handedly keeping Haines in business!  His kids were older so when my SO bought his older daughter some school clothes and her mother was wearing them that was when he started to put the responsibility for their clothes (and things) on the girls.  They quickly learned if it was something they liked or wanted to take care of they didn't take it to mom's house... .It was literally a "black hole".  Get some clothes for your Stepson that he wears when he is with you... .you know clothes that look nice, are clean, fit and don't smell like smoke.  Wash the clothes he arrived in and return SS in those clothes.

Speaking of black holes and space (the panda's stream of consciousness) that leads me to my SO's mantra... .he's a total geek so this might not work for you but his mantra was "Boldly Go"! 



I know the holidays are hard and summer vacations will get that way later on too .  My SO's uBPDxw would always use the kids as weapons and amp up the drama.  What if you went outside the box a little bit and did something different like celebrate Christmas on a totally random day when you have your stepson and other family members are available.  A surprise Christmas!  Don't tell SS or mom anything about it and just do it and have a wonderful time.  Then have a romantic Dec 25 with your husband. You've disengaged from the drama with mom, SS gets an extra special Christmas with you and dad and his family, then gets a second Christmas with mom, and you and your husband can enjoy some couple time.

Just throwing it out there.

Anyway know your not alone we all have been there done that... .we get it. To  Kells76 I also suggest you post on the Legal board to look for some advice on Legal Action, you'll get a lot of great advice and ideas.

Take Care,
Panda39

[kells76]

I forgot some more good resources. Bill Eddy writes about dealing with high-conflict people ("the MOST difficult people" and Craig Childress is an expert on parents who try to separate their kids from the other parent. They both have web sites with free resources that I found really helpful and grounding.

Also, use email as much as possible to make decisions/inform. Face to face conversations will get "misremembered" as may phone conversations. Texts can be OK but email is best for documentation. If you guys haven't learned about the communication skills "BIFF" or "SET" yet I think this site has good resources.

It's so hard when you see the unhealthy things the other parent does (yelling at exchanges, etc). You probably know as well as I do that we can't change their behavior. We can, though, use those times as challenges to ourselves about who WE want to be. I.e., you hear Mom disparage your SO. You tell yourself: "I will make every effort to speak neutrally or positively about Mom to SS." Mom doesn't tell you about SS's medical issues. You tell yourself: "I (or SO) will email Mom about any medical issues SS has with us". And so on.

Each of those crazy Mom behaviors can be like a door of opportunity for you to decide who you want to be. Not in a competitive way, but with SS's wellbeing at the core.

Hope this helps, and hang in there;

Kells76

[MidwestNative]

Hi Kells76! So nice to hear from another stepmom. I never in a millions years would have guessed I would earn that title and my fairly conservative family doesn't really approve yet (I'm holding out hope for once they meet the charming SS). I know it is silly, but it is nice to hear from others who made "that choice."

I also wrote down what happened for almost every time we were with the kids for about 3 years. Start doing that if you're not already. It doesn't have to be super long (unless maybe something intense happens) but you can note things like what you ate for dinner, mood kids were in, watched movie, kids said I love you, clothing/health issue, what you did about it, stuff like that. This serves two purposes: one, it can keep you grounded -- you guys aren't crazy, Son really loves being with you. Two, if this needs to go a legal route, you have the start of some documentation. I ended up keeping every receipt for that time period both to prove location and that we actually got a lot of stuff for the kids. Never needed them but it helped me feel like I was doing something helpful, which can be a hard thing for stepparents (that feeling of "I am powerless to change this situation".

This is great. Honestly, the thought of ever going to court again fills me with dread to my toes. But it is nice to feel like you are doing something. And I love the idea or writing down the positives. Remembering those times he said "i love you" unprompted or said with glee "we're going to dada's house!" To me this almost feels like validating yourself. I often feel powerless because legally and biologically I'm "no one" and yet I'm the one SS comes to when he want's his "boogers sucked out." I'm the one who is teaching him to put on his own clothes and use a fork. I'm the one attempting to teach him "L-M-N-O-P." There are all these moments I forget. Like when he grabs his pants and attempts to put them on himself or when he points to letters in the new book I bought him and tries to spell out words, moments that I'm just so proud of him and so thankful for those moments. But how quickly they fly by. I'm going to start writing them down. I love this idea! Thank you!

Side note about clothes: Here is your opportunity to take the high road. Just get Son whatever he needs. You can keep it at your place. Wash whatever Mom sends along and return it to Mom nicely folded. Let the battle of trying to make Mom send socks just... .disappear. I have bought SO MUCH UNDERWEAR for the kids. This is a great one to let go.

Thank you for this advice. Seriously. SO and I were just talking about how after talking with uBPDmom we are kind of "amped" and expect everyone to fight with us. Like we don't really know what is "worth" fighting about and what is not.  Because for the past 6 months uBPDmom has not been packing clothes, I already went out and bought clothes, including super adorable pajamas, some adorable Carter's outfits, and a great deal on socks at Sam's Club . I guess we thought this was an important "boundary." She technically is gets the child support every month, she technically is responsible for clothing, but in reality, we already provide clothing since she stopped so why not let this one go. I also invested in some awesome organic lavender laundry detergent and fabric softener so his clothes immediately go in the wash when he gets here. It does feel nice to do that for him. It feels like we are making an aspect of his life beautiful and clean. He gets to go home in clothes that smell soothing. (I may be a little hippy and into the essential oils.)

Thank you to the welcome to the community. It is nice to have a place to belong!

[MidwestNative]

Hi panda! Thanks so much for the response. I think 7 plus years totally earns you step mom cred (plus possibly a sash and tiara!) As soon as my comprehensive exams are done I fully intent to get to my BPD reading list. As a social science geek, I do find attempting to understand helps. Thank you for the book recommendations!

I had to chuckle about the clothes issue, that seems to be a standard in the BPD co-parenting handbook (you still get to look forward to the cellphone conundrum  ).  In our case it was the missing socks and underwear all the time!  I think my SO's ex was single handedly keeping Haines in business!  His kids were older so when my SO bought his older daughter some school clothes and her mother was wearing them that was when he started to put the responsibility for their clothes (and things) on the girls.  They quickly learned if it was something they liked or wanted to take care of they didn't take it to mom's house... .It was literally a "black hole".  Get some clothes for your Stepson that he wears when he is with you... .you know clothes that look nice, are clean, fit and don't smell like smoke.  Wash the clothes he arrived in and return SS in those clothes.

I know the holidays are hard and summer vacations will get that way later on too .  My SO's uBPDxw would always use the kids as weapons and amp up the drama.  What if you went outside the box a little bit and did something different like celebrate Christmas on a totally random day when you have your stepson and other family members are available.  A surprise Christmas!  Don't tell SS or mom anything about it and just do it and have a wonderful time.  Then have a romantic Dec 25 with your husband. You've disengaged from the drama with mom, SS gets an extra special Christmas with you and dad and his family, then gets a second Christmas with mom, and you and your husband can enjoy some couple time.

thank you for the clothing advice. Like I told Kells76, I think we got too wrapped up in setting boundaries and maybe made a few too many. Plus I happen to like finding really great deals on little boy's clothes!

As for the holidays, it is hard because we are totally willing to be flexible and exchange for other days but uBPDmom is not. She wants the entire month with SS from the week before christams until into January. She has not told us why (such as a family vacation) just that she "deserves it" since she is off work. She is not willing to give us make up time. And we are not comfortable with going a month without seeing almost 3 year old SS. So we are just going to try to keep reiterating that we are sticking to the court order. The weekend before christmas happens to be our weekend and christmas this year is ours as well. She seems to think though that she can change the CO if she has time off and wants the time, which is hard because she works part time and temporarily so she has a lot of time off right now. Anyway, as hard as it is (because we have family in town and would really love more time) we are just going to try to stick to the court order.

It is silly but I just get so jealous of other people who have these really honest and fair relationships with their step kids's bio parents. Who talk with fairness about what is best for their kids and really just seem to not want to fight and move on with life. About a year and a half ago before I really understood BPD, I had this idea that I could come in and "fix it." That they just needed someone unemotional and rational to come in and point out that they had this amazing kid to focus on. Lately I've been feeling really disillusioned and hopeless because no amount of calmness or empathy or rationality seemed to help. But y'all have been great in helping me realize we are not a doomed family just because of this struggle!

[Turkish]

The court order is enforceable by cop if need be.  This isn't switching a weekend,  trading days,  giving up a day or so due to work (my ex and I have done this,  and I trained her leaded by not requiring make up days on my side), or CO vacation days. Giving in will telegraph a lack of boundaries.  BIFF it.  Or just BF: "No."

[GaGrl]

I got to Turkish' reply having come to the same conclusion. The entitlement of BPDmom is strong here (I deserve this... .). She isn't comprehending that a CO is a CO, so you and SO will need to lead her there.

What can you think of, ahead of the need to do something in the moment, that will help? I'm thinking that you might send a calendar with dates noted, you're and hers, per the CO and copy her lawyer and your lawyer.  That way, there is ample time for her to have the expected hissy fit and, with luck, he told by her lawyer that that is indeed the CO.

Unfortunately, you might need to be prepared to call the police to enforce an exchange. (Not a bad idea to give them a heads-up also.). Some forum members keep a copy of the CO in the glove compartment in case it must be shown to police or schools or daycare.

(I'm a step-mom of adult children with an NPD/BPD mother, and we're still dealing with the ex on grandchildren!)

[livednlearned]

It sounds like you and your H had a bad experience in court the first time around, which is pretty common around here.

But if she is making changes to the court order for no other reason than she deserves to, that will help you in court.

I have a magistrate friend who told me 90 percent of the people she deals with don't know how to solve problems. They use the judicial system to settle arguments. Her point was that, over time, judges start to view people in their court room as bickering children.

Also, sometimes the judge condescends to one side because the appearance of favoritism can be a reason to overturn on appeal.

I definitely experienced the BPD legal abuse approach to court -- my ex was a former trial attorney who represented himself -- and it really stands out when someone comes in with a solution. I started to think of the judge as a grown-up and rational actor rather than someone with a lot of power, and it started to (slowly) work out in my favor.

In practice, this might mean filing multiple motions for contempt, going in with a bunch of documentation that says biomom is not following the visitation order, plus whatever else is grinding you down. Then proposing a parenting coordinator or Our Family Wizard or whatever solution shines more light on the disordered behavior.

There are definitely bad judges and gender biases in court. But most judges get frustrated seeing the same people in court all the time, and start to notice who is and who is not reasonable, and that can begin to swing custody your way.

It does take time.

About calling the cops -- in my state, custody is considered a civil issue, and they won't do anything about visitation violations unless the well-being of the child is at risk. What they will do is a well-child check. Or domestic assistance to make sure no one gets hurt.

The parenting coordinator involved in my case told me to use that as a very last resort because of the psychological stress on kids when they witness law enforcement dealing with their parents.

It can be hard to avoid in our cases, though.

When biomom has withheld SS in the past, how have you dealt with it?

[MidwestNative]

Thank you all for the reply. To be clear uBPDmom has never withheld a weekend. Now that she moved we have EOW, and she has never failed to meet us at the exchange (I mean she usually isn't pleasant but she's there ) So we don't have an issue with that.

The issue is the commissioner failed to be super specific about Holiday time in the new CO. So now she has decided that she doesn't have to give us holiday time because it's "not in the order." Except it is... the order reads: EOW with "holiday parenting time occurring in accordance with the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines."  To me this would suggest we just continue to follow the holiday time guidelines. Unfortunately she does not see it that way since we are now two hours apart. SS is under 3 so many holidays are only for 10 hours during the day. We don't want SS traveling for 4 plus hours for a few hours with dad. It doesn't seem fair to him. We've tried to organize schedules add holidays to our existing weekend but this was a no go. Thus far since the move we have just given up the fight on holidays.

Once SS turns three I believe this will be easier. However I still wonder how to deal with the mid-week holidays such as birthdays, halloween, monday holidays that don't align with your EOW. If you guys were 2 hours away, what would you do? Would you insist on those 10 hours during  the day, or would you let it go knowing that compromise is out of the question.

One other question, because of the way the holidays fall, there are two periods of time in 2018 where we don't see SS for 6 weeks. This seems insane to me that a CO would be set up this way. But we lose one weekend to spring break and then we also lose the next to Easter. Then we have him for one weekend and we don't see him again for a month because we lose mother's day. I know the CO says it will all "work out" but for a span of 3 months we see our three year old once? That just seems cruel. Is there anything to do about this? We have to go back to clarify the court order when he turns three. Do you think we can but a no three weekends in a row clause in there?

(slight rant coming) One other little thing that I guess just kind of gets to me. I like to think of myself as reasonable; I'm up for compromise. But the CO gives us absolutely nothing to compromise with. If we ask for an extra Friday so that he can go to his aunt's wedding are we supposed to offer to give up an entire weekend? So then we go a full month without seeing him? I just think it is important to recognize that not all time is created equal here. A primary custody parent giving up one Friday is not the same as us giving up one of our EOW. It is ridiculous to me that the courts do not think it is harmful that a child would go 6 weeks without seeing one parent. It is hard to not think the system is rigged against non-custodial parents (who also often happen to be fathers.)

I wish we had the money for a lawyer but after two rounds in court we are dried up. We physically don't have the money to fight for this. We spent thousands for a mid week over night and then a few months later she decides to move and we lose it. I will not let this bring us into debt for another probably unsuccessful trip to the court house. I am bitter, I will admit. Our CO was changed after the move and has lies in it about her housing and employment "stability." It also says the move will not impact the father-son relationships. That just kills me. The commissioner didn't need to write that in the order for the justification. Losing a weekday and the ability for future 50/50 of course hurts the relationship. But sorry I'm ranting. I just do not see the legal route as ever really being in our favor. And I'm terrified of ever stepping  foot into that court room again.  Instead we are trying to educate ourselves, lots of legal reading, and attempting to learn how to file these modifications ourselves. We are hoping they are simple enough (since they are just adding information from the guidelines) to be approved.

Again thank you all for the advice and wisdom. We are only a few years into this legal custody issues and I'm really hoping in 10 years we will look back and laugh at all this.

[Catsmother]

Welcome to the Stephood. I've been in this particular neck of the woods for 11 years now, and I still struggle. With regards to clothes, we learnt early on to never rely on BM to send stuff that was appropriate/clean/suitable. We had our own stash. And SS went back in exactly what we picked him up in. Cleaned of course. We were also long distance from the age of 5 until 8 so only saw him every three months, except for the couple of times she withheld him, one of which was just after she had lodged paperwork with the courts, but before we received our copies.

It has gotten a bit easier, and we probably parallel parent now, although BM likes to think she co-parents. Lol. Yeah right. For medical and education (for the future) you are best to get in touch with those professionals yourselves, and ask them to provide information to you directly. Do not rely on BM to provide it to you, nor to provide you with accurate information.

Just tonight, DH spoke with BM and then with SS, and explained to both of them what was required for SS to complete and hand in school assignments. Here in Oz we are at the end of the school year, and SS goes to a private school so only has a couple of weeks left for the year. We have been involved hands on with his education this year and last because BM finally moved locally to us, but only because SS wanted to go to school in our district. We feel like we are parenting two children, one a 13 yo boy, and the other a 16 yo girl (BM) because sometimes that is where she appears to be. On the bright side, we only have 5 years left. Well actually, 4 and a half. Yay.

On a side note, there are a few very good Facebook groups for step mums (Aussie spelling) around, if you are interested.

[MidwestNative]

On a side note, there are a few very good Facebook groups for step mums (Aussie spelling) around, if you are interested.

Thank you for the welcome Catsmother! I am definitely interested in  FB groups. I'm finding all this support incredibly helpful for venting and then letting things go!