What does a BPD relationship do to you?

[Wolfsocks]

I entered a new relationship-like relationship after my breakup from my UexBPDw and so far it feels as if I have entered a strange and wonderful parallel universe. My new SO takes care of her physical health, she regulates her own feelings, she encourages me to spend time with friends and family and she has many stable friendships herself.

My bafflement about these things made me wonder how I was affected by my decade-long relationship with a BPD. I was 17 when it started and taking care of an increasingly unstable BPD was my "normal".

So far I identified these aftereffects:

- Low self-esteem

- Very low expectations when it comes to relationships

- I learnt to be good at taking care of her (and other people) but I am not good at taking care of myself

- A sense of identity loss. Right now I think a lot about which habits I only developed out of consideration for her. For example, I started drinking coffee after the breakup. Before I didn't because she hates coffee with a passion. Our apartment also used to be sparkling clean because she had such high standards. Right now my surroundings are a little more chaotic and I don't mind at all. I think I had these extreme standards as a compensation for the constant inner turmoil.

- A new sense of energy. I used to think I was a very introverted Highly Sensitive Person who couldn't keep up with the pace of the normal world without crashing on a regular basis. Now I wonder whether I was simply burned out all the time because of my partner's drama and high maintenance needs.

Which aftereffects did you observe after separating? Are there any resources about this topic?

[Harley Quinn]

This is a really good topic and many of the things you list would appear to be very common following a BPD r/s.  Lots of us become aware of codependent traits after a r/s like this.  Self esteem seems to tie in with that, as does loss of identity as all of the r/s is very much centred around taking care of and meeting another's needs and demands.  

It's also wonderful to hear that you are realising new levels of energy and noticing the differences in that respect.  I hope that you are putting it to positive use.  

How are you approaching these after effects that you've observed?  You may find that there are some interesting threads on the Learning board which look at related topics.  

I noticed that I was physically emotionally and mentally drained and almost numb.  There have been definite PTSD symptoms and I have trauma focused CBT lined up to help work through that.  In many ways I can relate to the list that you wrote.  The effects can be far reaching and some lesser ones may take you by surprise as you spot them when time passes.  I hope that you are gradually able to find all of your true potential as an individual within this new healthier dynamic and with all of the support that you can find for yourself.  Putting ourselves back together after such an experience can be a lengthy task, so be patient and continue noticing how you are doing.  It's wonderful to notice when you are making progress and I can see this process has already begun for you, which is great!

Love and light x    

[CloseToFreedom]

Very good topic that also puts the spotlight on us instead of our exes.

When I got out I was so drained, I was so tired, and depressed, I think I slept at least 12 hours a day for a month or so. I wasn't able to work anymore, had to go on anti depressands.

I also felt like I lost my identity. In reality, I already slowly but surely lost it during the relationship. Instead of being my own person I let the relationship define who I was, and when that suddenly falls away, you're left with nothing. It took me a good year to build myself up again, to recognise who I was, to have a social life, to enjoy hobbys again.

It also made me 'scared' for future relationships. Maybe scared isn't the right word but more careful. I don't want to ever go through this.

I guess that somehow also is the gift you receive. You get more careful, get better boundaries and get to know yourself better again.

[Lost-love-mind]

Very good topic that also puts the spotlight on us instead of our exes.

When I got out I was so drained, I was so tired, and depressed, I think I slept at least 12 hours a day for a month or so. I wasn't able to work anymore, had to go on anti depressands.

I also felt like I lost my identity. In reality, I already slowly but surely lost it during the relationship. Instead of being my own person I let the relationship define who I was, and when that suddenly falls away, you're left with nothing. It took me a good year to build myself up again, to recognise who I was, to have a social life, to enjoy hobbys again.

It also made me 'scared' for future relationships. Maybe scared isn't the right word but more careful. I don't want to ever go through this.

I guess that somehow also is the gift you receive. You get more careful, get better boundaries and get to know yourself better again.

Perfect post BPD r/s analysis. It's been 5 mos. Out from a mere 2 mos "love bomb" that I never saw coming and never realized the devastating outcome.
Still wish things were different but never can go back. I learned the reality of my own PD and now work on my recovery. I wish for the day I meet someone that is healthy and I can have a r/s with my new self awareness.