Reviewing Lesson 1: Understanding Your Partner's Behavior

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’m wanting to review the lessons on the right side of the page in a series of posts about how I worked through/am working through those lessons in my life and my relationship as a refresher for myself and to share with you all some things that I have learned since I first came to bpdfamily. I would like to invite you to do the same for your relationship.

Lesson 1: Understanding Your Partner’s Beahvior

* Do you recognize any of these symptoms?
 
* How have these impacted your life?
 
* Do you feel empowered having an explanation for your troubles?

DSM V Criteria:

1.   Frantic effort to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)

My H will often feel like I am abandoning him. Just this week when we were talking about holiday plans, I told him about a friend’s Christmas party that both of us were invited to. He said he didn’t want to go and said, “We never get to spend any time together.” I knew this was a situation where he was beginning to feel the time pressure of busyness even though I make sure that we have 5 or 6 evenings per week for just him and I. In the past this has created extreme anger outbursts to the point that I was scared to talk about upcoming plans.

2.   A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

I often feel so bad for my H in this regard. He wants friends and is really good at making them. People like them, but then when he is feeling down or if they do something to slight him, he devalues them to the point that he does not want to spend time with them. He also has a pattern of verbally attacking others on FB. He will completely drop out of others’ lives. Currently it has been over a month since he has seen any friends. I am the only person in his life. I cannot imagine how lonely that is.
He also paints me black and white pretty quickly although this has gotten MUCH better. The worse it gets in regards to this is the issue with my faith. He currently hates Christians and since I am one, he expects perfect behavior out of me. When I don’t meet that expectations he paints me black.

3.   Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

My H does not know who he is. He actually takes pride in the fact that he has lived many lives from hanging out with gang members to quiet country living. He has difficulty keeping a job more than 2-3 years at a time and has “reinvented himself” several times by going back to school for a couple semesters, taking a vet tech class, buying a drum and a guitar, etc.

4.   Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) (Does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)

My H has several areas where he is impulsive. At times he will go on small spending sprees. Thankfully my diligence keeps this in mostly in check, but I know if he goes to Walmart or the grocery store that he will overspend by $30-$50 each time. In the early stages of our relationship he used to have issues with wanting sex every day and getting angry if I didn’t want to. We have evened out here and have a pretty good, regular sex life and just the other day he said that sex is not as big a deal to him due to us having a better relationship. My H smokes weed, all day every day. Over the last few months he has started to experiment with micro dosing hallucinogenic drugs (I’m trying really hard not to attribute this to his better mood/behavior). My H has road rage. When we ride together I am the one who drives because his driving scares me. His road rage has been so bad in the past he has had several people attempt to fight him. My H also binge eats. Last night he had 2 bowls of cereal, 2 pieces of toast, chips and dip, Doritos, and a couple pieces of chocolate for a snack after dinner. This is typical food behavior for him. It’s really not fair that he is so thin. 

5.   Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

This isn’t a huge issue for us. Three times in 13 years he has talked about suicide.

6.   Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

This is my main issue with my H’s symptoms. The intense dysregulation episodes are what seem to be the biggest issue he has. And just as quickly as they appear, they disappear

7.   Chronic feelings of emptiness

My H doesn’t really address this often. He gets bored very easy. He frequently feels like life is pointless and that he wishes the world would just end. But lately that has not been much of an issue.

8.   Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (frequent displays of temper, constant anger, current physical fights)

Thankfully he has gotten much much better in this area. He got very angry about a month ago and then a month before that, but this has significantly diminished. When I first came to this site, he was experiencing intense uncontrolled anger about 2-3 times per week.

9.   Transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

About a year ago this became pretty severe. He began to believe in something called Mandela Effect and thought that we had jumped into another dimension where minor things had changed (such as Bearstein Bears vs. Berenstain Bears). About every 3-4 months he seems to go through a mania of sorts that I believe was stress induced where he gets obsessed with various things such as conspiracy theories, specific types of music, etc. When we were dating he said that when he was younger he would make robot noises when he moved his body because he felt like there was a robot inside him. Other times he said that he wondered if he was beginning to experience schizophrenia, but as he spent more time around other people, this diminished.

Do you feel empowered having an explanation for your troubles?

Finding out about these symptoms was such an eye opener for me. I had actually figured out BPD about 3years ago and it really helped me begin to see that although I was being blamed for everything wrong in our relationship that it wasn’t me. The things I was experiencing were real.

Now, I feel like an expert in BPD. It has become my life goal to learn as much as I can about it. Understanding my H’s behavior helps me to see him as less of a problem and more as someone who is mentally ill and cannot always control what he does. I grasp onto this when I struggle with Radical Acceptance of my life.

Knowing these behaviors are a part of the disorder has helped me redefine what is normal and acceptable for my relationship. I have had to give up dreams of having “normal” relationship. My “normal” looks what we have right now. BPD is definitely still there, but I am healthy and able to function. He still has his moments of intense anxiety and emotions, but he is doing better at handling them too. And I’m ok with that.

What about you? Will you share your journey through the lessons with me?

[Tattered Heart]

I’m wanting to review the lessons on the right side of the page in a series of posts about how I worked through/am working through those lessons in my life and my relationship as a refresher for myself and to share with you all some things that I have learned since I first came to bpdfamily. I would like to invite you to do the same for your relationship.

Lesson 1: Understanding Your Partner’s Beahvior

* Do you recognize any of these symptoms?
 
* How have these impacted your life?
 
* Do you feel empowered having an explanation for your troubles?

DSM V Criteria:

1.   Frantic effort to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)

My H will often feel like I am abandoning him. Just this week when we were talking about holiday plans, I told him about a friend’s Christmas party that both of us were invited to. He said he didn’t want to go and said, “We never get to spend any time together.” I knew this was a situation where he was beginning to feel the time pressure of busyness even though I make sure that we have 5 or 6 evenings per week for just him and I. In the past this has created extreme anger outbursts to the point that I was scared to talk about upcoming plans.

2.   A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

I often feel so bad for my H in this regard. He wants friends and is really good at making them. People like them, but then when he is feeling down or if they do something to slight him, he devalues them to the point that he does not want to spend time with them. He also has a pattern of verbally attacking others on FB. He will completely drop out of others’ lives. Currently it has been over a month since he has seen any friends. I am the only person in his life. I cannot imagine how lonely that is.
He also paints me black and white pretty quickly although this has gotten MUCH better. The worse it gets in regards to this is the issue with my faith. He currently hates Christians and since I am one, he expects perfect behavior out of me. When I don’t meet that expectations he paints me black.

3.   Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

My H does not know who he is. He actually takes pride in the fact that he has lived many lives from hanging out with gang members to quiet country living. He has difficulty keeping a job more than 2-3 years at a time and has “reinvented himself” several times by going back to school for a couple semesters, taking a vet tech class, buying a drum and a guitar, etc.

4.   Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) (Does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)

My H has several areas where he is impulsive. At times he will go on small spending sprees. Thankfully my diligence keeps this in mostly in check, but I know if he goes to Walmart or the grocery store that he will overspend by $30-$50 each time. In the early stages of our relationship he used to have issues with wanting sex every day and getting angry if I didn’t want to. We have evened out here and have a pretty good, regular sex life and just the other day he said that sex is not as big a deal to him due to us having a better relationship. My H smokes weed, all day every day. Over the last few months he has started to experiment with micro dosing hallucinogenic drugs (I’m trying really hard not to attribute this to his better mood/behavior). My H has road rage. When we ride together I am the one who drives because his driving scares me. His road rage has been so bad in the past he has had several people attempt to fight him. My H also binge eats. Last night he had 2 bowls of cereal, 2 pieces of toast, chips and dip, Doritos, and a couple pieces of chocolate for a snack after dinner. This is typical food behavior for him. It’s really not fair that he is so thin. 

5.   Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

This isn’t a huge issue for us. Three times in 13 years he has talked about suicide.

6.   Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

This is my main issue with my H’s symptoms. The intense dysregulation episodes are what seem to be the biggest issue he has. And just as quickly as they appear, they disappear

7.   Chronic feelings of emptiness

My H doesn’t really address this often. He gets bored very easy. He frequently feels like life is pointless and that he wishes the world would just end. But lately that has not been much of an issue.

8.   Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (frequent displays of temper, constant anger, current physical fights)

Thankfully he has gotten much much better in this area. He got very angry about a month ago and then a month before that, but this has significantly diminished. When I first came to this site, he was experiencing intense uncontrolled anger about 2-3 times per week.

9.   Transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

About a year ago this became pretty severe. He began to believe in something called Mandela Effect and thought that we had jumped into another dimension where minor things had changed (such as Bearstein Bears vs. Berenstain Bears). About every 3-4 months he seems to go through a mania of sorts that I believe was stress induced where he gets obsessed with various things such as conspiracy theories, specific types of music, etc. When we were dating he said that when he was younger he would make robot noises when he moved his body because he felt like there was a robot inside him. Other times he said that he wondered if he was beginning to experience schizophrenia, but as he spent more time around other people, this diminished.

Do you feel empowered having an explanation for your troubles?

Finding out about these symptoms was such an eye opener for me. I had actually figured out BPD about 3years ago and it really helped me begin to see that although I was being blamed for everything wrong in our relationship that it wasn’t me. The things I was experiencing were real.

Now, I feel like an expert in BPD. It has become my life goal to learn as much as I can about it. Understanding my H’s behavior helps me to see him as less of a problem and more as someone who is mentally ill and cannot always control what he does. I grasp onto this when I struggle with Radical Acceptance of my life.

Knowing these behaviors are a part of the disorder has helped me redefine what is normal and acceptable for my relationship. I have had to give up dreams of having “normal” relationship. My “normal” looks what we have right now. BPD is definitely still there, but I am healthy and able to function. He still has his moments of intense anxiety and emotions, but he is doing better at handling them too. And I’m ok with that.

What about you? Will you share your journey through the lessons with me?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Thanks a lot TH for writing this, I think it is very illustrative and helpful. I'm gonna try to mirror you and I think it's gonna help me order my experience.

Lesson 1: Understanding Your Partner’s Beahvior

DSM V Criteria:

1.   Frantic effort to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)

My GF is always pushing me away and breaking up, so it took me some time to see this. She has vervalized it (Don't leave/abandon me), she has felt horrible by me leaving the house, even for work. She was abandoned by her father, and her mother neglected her. She was abused (all kinds), and her family failed to protect her. She doesn't form any bonds with people, and I think she asumes she will lose them, so she protects herself by not having people close.


2.   A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

At least 3 of her previous partners were abusive, she's had great best friends and lost them. She loves her family deeply, even as they are poisonous and untrustworthy.She is aware of her instability and states she can't have any personal relationship. She would paint me black often, and then act as if she never meant it, but wanting to leave because she sees how it hurts me.

3.   Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

She gets very worried about losing things that identify her. But she doesn't know who she is and would say over and over that she is a "no person" a "black hole". Her disorder, BPD, and anorexia too, she doesn't want to change them because she fears she is nothing without them.

4.   Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) (Does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)

She has told me about her early twenties, and before, that she did drugs, sleeping around, and fell into bulimia. When she was told this was attention seeking, she cut everything and flee the country. Determined to survive without all that, or kill herself. In her family, they have periods od earning a lot of money and no one saves a cent. She also has reported me to like driving fast, even though cars scare her a lot. She would start projects on impulse and then avandom them, losing money and causing herself a big dissapointment after getting her hopes up.


5.   Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

She has tried twice, and she is constantly talking about it. She believes she will be better dead, and all the rest of us will be better without her. But she knows no one would love her kids as she does. She's done self harm in the past, and now she is starving herself to near-death. She would dismiss medical appointments and any concerns about health until it can't be avoided. She feels the need to self harm, she says it works, it takes the anxiety away for a bit, but she can't be going around with cuts in front of the kids.


6.   Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

She spends most of the day, when the kids are not around, crying. She gets very irritated at the smallest trigger, and lives in constant anxiety. The episodes of rage can last more than a few days. The sweet girl that she is, that rarely lasts, sadly. I have to say that the kids would take the most patient person to the limit.


7.   Chronic feelings of emptiness

As I said, she describes herself as a "no person". She often says she doesn't have anything to give me in return for all that I give her. She believes she is incapable of doing any job, and this is increased by a long period of unemployment. She has many talents and she is maybe in the 2% most intelligent people, but she believes she's gonna fail everything. Often feels that there is no point in anything. And reports that she often disconnects from reality and feels absolutely nothing.


8.   Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (frequent displays of temper, constant anger, current physical fights)

Before knowing about BPD I used to tell her: Why would you need to get angry with someone that would do anything for you? It doesn't get phisical, although she tells me she feels like she wants to break things and hurt people. She's very angry almost daily. But as I said, once that we could be 10 days without kids, the anger was gone completelly.


9.   Transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

She dissociates, and even loses hours of life where she doesn't know where she was. She has the paranoid thought that I am cheating on her, and it is very real to her, and many times she tells me it's her paranoia. But mostly she hates me because it is a reality for her. There is no time in my life for cheating, I almost don't see any friends, and my time online is to learn how to be a better partner for her.

To sum up, 9/9 but she is remarkably aware of all of them, and she is working against them, fueled by her desire of making the kids happy, but with not much hope or happyness for herself.

---

The diagnosis gave me a new hope and calmness. Nothing made sense before. The idealization of the begining was so strong, that I didn't know what went wrong and how everything had changed so much. I didn't know how love and logic, and intuition didn't work at all, how I would get often the opposite effect of what I expected. Mostly, where did that person I knew went? I blamed myself also, I must had done something to screw things up badly. I couldn't do much to change the circumstances, so I felt doomed. But then I discover there were things to be done, there were things that I did that needed to stop and things would get better. As TH says, I had to redefine "normal" and logic, and communication. If reality was 1/3 facts, 1/3 thoughts, and 1/3 emotions before; I'm learning to live in a reality that it is mostly emotion, where feelings overlap and override facts and thoughts.

I'm also learning about myself and people in general. I think we are all some part BPD, you know? Maybe only 1%, or 8%... .And when it gets to a degree that it disturbs your life, then it needs a diagnosis and treatment. There is a conference out there where they say "We are all nuts, it only changes the flavor (narcisitic, paranoid, manic, depression, esquizofrenic... .) and the degree", I see there is much truth in that.

I still have much to learn, and they are making new discoveries in research. So I feel that as long as there are things to try, the hope is not lost. I wish I could fight this hand in hand with my GF, but each of us fight in one front. She hates that I know how damaged she is. 

---



What about you? Will you share your journey through the lessons with us?

[pearlsw]

Oh, this is great! Thanks for the chance to go through the lessons together. This is a big help. Reviewing this always helps me to remember this is not just a figment of my imagination - it can feel that way at times as I only have myself and this board to reinforce my reality around these issues and what I experience because of it.

1.   Frantic effort to avoid real or imagined abandonment (Does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)  My husband certainly seems to have a deep wound related to abandonment. This is what convinces me he has BPD traits although he does not seem to meet all the criteria which is what made it hard for me to find help earlier on. I knew something was wrong, I didn't realize that having even just some of the traits of a disorder was enough to help me settle in here and get help. He can't stand to be alone. At times even me leaving the room makes him feel distressed. When he shuts me out he immediately runs to anyone he can to fill the emptiness. Since he came back from leaving the household recently he has been very attached to items which belong to me. He keeps them with him at all times to feel secure. (I have some men's pjs that I bought b/c they are extra big and roomy that he's taken over from me and won't give them back!)

2.   A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation I am always swinging between his idealization and devaluation. Both sides of it are a bit overboard for me. I mistakenly thought because he'd been married for 15 years that indicated some level of stability. As more details of this came out I realize he only stubbornly persisted for the kids - the relationship was quite unstable. I also only got one side of the story, from him and backed up by his relatives, that his ex was the one with mental health issues. I think my h's mental health issues were there all along, but hers where even bigger so his got less notice, or people were more afraid to call him out. I think all the males in the family (he and his two brothers and dad) have/had mental health issues of one kind or another that have cowed the whole family.


3.   Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self  This one is hard for me to say. I can see that he is easily influenced by others and picks up habits he sees around him. He doesn't seem to have a strong core sense of self. His anchor in life has been his religious beliefs, but as those have evolved he has lost friends and had major issues with his ex wife over it. He was/is strong enough to stick to his own beliefs in at least this area though he tends to get into arguments with everyone about it and perhaps talks about it too much for other's tastes - tries pushing his beliefs, although in all fairness he is trying to bring others in his faith away from extremist/dangerous points of view.

4.   Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging (spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) (Does not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior) He tends to spend first, think later. He spends based on emotion. He went on a spending spree over the summer, sudden big ticket purchases and is paying the price now for all this. I tried to reign it in a bit, but he does as he pleases. I just offer my two cents and then accede control. When he breaks up he always talks about finding other women, replacing me, gets others to help him find a new person. He always makes this an issue. Sex is an issue for him as well. He lied to me initially and then it later came out he had been sexually abused. He hasn't really dealt with this at all. He has addiction issues - he was a smoker and now uses an e-cigarette. It is less smelly and his health is better but he has the same old addict ways. A lot of his time, energy, focus revolves around this. It is not much different than how a drug addict handles things. He took up drinking somewhere along the way in the last year or two and now rarely goes a day without it. I don't say much about it because it seemed to improve his moods and because he strictly monitors it and and it is typically just two a day. But with this too he has an addict's mentality. Anger if his drug of his choice is not there when he needs it, etc. He drives fast, but is mostly safe. Luckily it is extremely expensive here if you do speed so that stays under control mostly. It can be an issue at times though. I don't always feel safe when he goes super fast.

5.   Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

He's wanted to die at times. Mostly because of losing his kids and a nasty divorce and custody battle with his ex. Poor guy. I think he won't do it because of the kids.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) I think I've been able to help with the irritability, cut that down by giving him a loving home life instead of the super stressful one had before, but it's been a long road to get there. Yes, he has intense black and white thinking. I wish I had understood sooner why he pushed me away so much... .he pushed me over the edge with this too... .Sad stuff. Yes, these things tend to last up to a few days. If you can survive them and get to the other side with him things improve... .but it is brutal during these times. Incredibly painful for all.


7.   Chronic feelings of emptiness
I dunno about this. He can fill himself up by hyperfocusing on projects. He completely loses himself and forgets to eat or talk to other people. I've tried to ask him about emptiness, but he doesn't seem to relate to the notion. I have noticed he can't remember his childhood very well, and his mom's version of what his household was like versus his version seems very different. I think there may be big, serious things here he has blocked out entirely. There may be more here to discover.


8.   Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (frequent displays of temper, constant anger, current physical fights) He does get extremely angry out of proportion to situations. I have to admit he has gotten into some strange physical altercations since I've known him... .and I even intervened to prevent one from getting worse. I think this will not happen often, but it can happen. He can have out of control anger. Luckily I know how to deescalate and can follow through on that most of the time. I try to increase the input of good times/thoughts/feelings so there is a high ratio of good stuff going into him when he's at home at least. I think that can influence his moods and help keep them more stable. I want to do more on this. I think as his physical health improves it will open up more opportunities for activities that can help support mood elevation.


9.   Transient, stress related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. He had to have shots for psychotic episodes last year. He got very hysterical and out of his mind at times. It was horrible. He blames me for all of this, but it is much bigger and predates me although I did contribute to making the already awful situation worse.

It is my goal to have the best communication skills possible and be very disciplined about how I use them. In fact, one thing I have done is to just embrace this as a practice rather then be resentful at how much work I have to do to be with him. I don't know if these strategies will work in the long run, but it won't make it worse. If it ever ends I want to feel like I tried my best. I don't want his illness to make my life horrible - that is another goal of mine. I want to find ways to be secure and happy with or without him in my life and have my full independence back again. I have made it very clear to him that I accept him just as he is and do not resent him. I don't make it a requirement, but I have let him know if he can do anything (get treatment to learn how to manage his own moods better or medication to try to temper the mood swings) to help make life easier that would be super for both of us.

[Tattered Heart]

She spends most of the day, when the kids are not around, crying. She gets very irritated at the smallest trigger, and lives in constant anxiety. The episodes of rage can last more than a few days. The sweet girl that she is, that rarely lasts, sadly. I have to say that the kids would take the most patient person to the limit.

How sad for her. It sounds like she has some pretty serious depression on top of BPD. Has she ever told you what she cried about?

She has many talents and she is maybe in the 2% most intelligent people, but she believes she's gonna fail everything.

My H is extremely intelligent too. I'm pretty sure his IQ is in the genius range. I wonder if there are any studies out there on IQ and BPD. It seems like many people on this site believe their pwBPD is above average intelligence.

She dissociates, and even loses hours of life where she doesn't know where she was.

That's scary. Is she at home or in public when this happens?

I'm also learning about myself and people in general. I think we are all some part BPD, you know? Maybe only 1%, or 8%... .And when it gets to a degree that it disturbs your life, then it needs a diagnosis and treatment.

Very true. BPD isn't just a thing you have or don't have. It's on a spectrum. Just like depression, neuroticism, introvertism, etc. We are all somewhere on many different spectrums.

Interestingly when I was younger I most likely would have qualified for a BPD diagnosis. The person I was then vs. the person I am now is so completely opposite it's hard to even imagine that I was so jealous, paranoid, suicidal, addicted, and so full of anger.





What about you? Will you share your journey through the lessons with us?


[/quote]

[Tattered Heart]

This is what convinces me he has BPD traits although he does not seem to meet all the criteria which is what made it hard for me to find help earlier on.

It's not uncommon for someone with BPD to not meet all 9 of these criteria nor is it required. DSM IV-Tr only requires 5 of these patterns in order for a diagnosis. Of course we aren't professionals and cannot diagnose but... .we know. You've always described your H with higher functioning BPD so it makes sense that all of these do not strongly apply to him. 

I think my h's mental health issues were there all along, but hers where even bigger so his got less notice, or people were more afraid to call him out. I think all the males in the family (he and his two brothers and dad) have/had mental health issues of one kind or another that have cowed the whole family.

Does his family still not admit that there are issues?

My H's siblings all have major issues and only 1 admits that it has been a problem in their life and has taken real steps to fix it.
Sister #1 lives in a fantasy world. She is 40 yet still has teenage girl crushes on celebrities. She's really into cos-play and chases after completely unavailable men who are much younger than her or will not commit to even acknowledge a relationship.
Sister #2 said she used to struggle with jealousy, insecurity, and being verbally abusive to her H. In the last few years she has started making changes
Sister #3 finds her value in babies. As soon as one child gets weaned she has the next one. She is now expecting #7. She is intensely jealous and I wonder if perhaps a lot more BPD traits than I first realized.
Brother #1 is an alcoholic who looks like he is always about to explode. He is mostly separated from the family. I'm pretty sure he has BPD, but I don't know him well enough to be absolutely sure.
Brother #2 is completely withdrawn. He has no motivation in life to do anything and only does what his parents tell him to do. He reads comic books and plays video games. He does not practice good hygiene at all.

He tends to spend first, think later. He spends based on emotion.

My H is like this too.

In fact, one thing I have done is to just embrace this as a practice rather then be resentful at how much work I have to do to be with him.

That seems to be the key in Radical Acceptance. It is what it is and there's nothing that can change that being in a relationship with someone with BPD is a lot of work.

I don't want his illness to make my life horrible - that is another goal of mine. I want to find ways to be secure and happy with or without him in my life and have my full independence back again.

This is so important because it will help you find the fulfillment in your relationship you need.