Happy Friday

[Qman]

Here's a kind of funny kind of tragic story for Friday: What happens when you get 5 stressed pwBPD in a room together? My BPDgf was in a group DBT session: 5 women and 2 therapists. One woman completely broke down in tears and one of the therapists took her out of the room, so everyone was already a little on edge. During a break, the other therapist left the room and my BPDgf used this as an opportunity to talk with one of the other women. The conversation went something like this: "You talk so much, we all have to sit around and listen to your s**t". Reply: "Oh that's so rude, no-one has ever spoken to me like that before". My BPDgf: "Well, there's a first time for everything". And from there it was off! Luckily the therapist came back pretty quickly and it ended with my BPDgf leaving with "That's IT, I'm DONE!". So group DBT is going well!

Honestly, it helps to be able to see this interaction when I'm not the target of the anger - I guess that's what mindfulness is really about, to be able to see what's going on without being overtaken by the emotions. And it makes it clear that her anger is not all about me - she says pretty much the same things to/about me often, so I can see that this is actually more about her and what comes up for her when she's feeling this way (even with other people) than it really is about me.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Qman,

Oh my! That is quite a revealing story you shared! That is a good reminder about mindfulness and depersonalization!

How are you doing these days? Are any of the tools here helping with the times you spend with her?

warm wishes, pearlsw.

[heartandwhole]

Honestly, it helps to be able to see this interaction when I'm not the target of the anger - I guess that's what mindfulness is really about, to be able to see what's going on without being overtaken by the emotions. And it makes it clear that her anger is not all about me - she says pretty much the same things to/about me often, so I can see that this is actually more about her and what comes up for her when she's feeling this way (even with other people) than it really is about me.

Hi Qman,

Wise words and a great insight that you've shared. I agree that it's helpful to see that the symptoms of BPD are more about what is happening inside of pwBPD than what you may or may not be doing. 

Do you have a mindfulness practice you can share with us? I try to go directly toward slowing and paying attention to my breathing when things feel stressful.

heartandwhole

[Qman]

Thanks for the replies and support! I'm learning to see a lot of things that were making conflict worse and doing better avoiding those (getting defensive, wanting to fix things), but still struggling with what to replace with. Mindfulness: I calm myself by closing eyes, taking a deep breath, letting out slowly, and thinking of "clearing" from the top of my head down as I breath out (like the "heavy" anxious emotions draining out from my head down through my body and falling away).

I really like the idea of Wise Mind. At the moment, when my emotions take over, I calm with "logical mind" and tell myself it's OK, I know where her anger is coming from, she needs space, she'll come back to me, etc. But I become maybe too analytical and she picks up on that too, says "I don't feel like you're really listening to me - you're just analysing and working out what to say to manage me". So I'm getting there, much better with conflict now, and much better at looking after myself (and she actually appreciates that much more!)