My "new love", with red flags going off (vent)

[Depression = 72% of members]

My uBPD-ex GF engaged in some behaviors that I just have not ever come close to experiencing previously.   She used to get so uncontrollably jealous about other women it was unbelievable; there is one story I will tell from about 2 months ago, but it will take a while to type and I don't have the time in the moment for that one, so I will tell that one at a later time.  But there was this short one, about her supposed "quirks":

- one day probably a year ago, everything was fine and we were going to have lunch together; we often had it at my condo.  She came over one day to meet me for lunch, and it was "garbage day"; the two (2) garbage cans were out in the driveway area and I had not taken them in yet (my place).  They were not specifically in her way, but she would have to adjust somewhat to pull into my driveway, ever so slightly.  An alternative to that was that she could park in a couple of readily available alternative spots, right there; or call or text me to move the cans; or something.   Instead, she just flipped out.  She just LEFT!  I called her after she left and she said the garbage cans were in her way (which they really were not) and she was done and out of there; I was COMPLETELY like What the heck!  She just cancelled out on an otherwise nice day and nice lunch date over something like that that she just FLIPPED OUT over!  (eggshells!)  Subsequent to that, of course I tried to make sure something like that NEVER happened again.  And of course there are 50 to 100 examples of other odd behavior like this; things that I certainly can not repeat to my friends in my non-cyber world, but I can absolutely guarantee you that happened; it was things like that that caused me to start hitting the internet about the brain of my "new love", with red flags going off.  I didn't know if it was real or fabricated, but that definitely happened, 100% truth. Is that like a BPD symptom?

[MarkDavid]

My uBPD-ex GF engaged in some behaviors that I just have not ever come close to experiencing previously.   She used to get so uncontrollably jealous about other women it was unbelievable; there is one story I will tell from about 2 months ago, but it will take a while to type and I don't have the time in the moment for that one, so I will tell that one at a later time.  But there was this short one, about her supposed "quirks":

- one day probably a year ago, everything was fine and we were going to have lunch together; we often had it at my condo.  She came over one day to meet me for lunch, and it was "garbage day"; the two (2) garbage cans were out in the driveway area and I had not taken them in yet (my place).  They were not specifically in her way, but she would have to adjust somewhat to pull into my driveway, ever so slightly.  An alternative to that was that she could park in a couple of readily available alternative spots, right there; or call or text me to move the cans; or something.   Instead, she just flipped out.  She just LEFT!  I called her after she left and she said the garbage cans were in her way (which they really were not) and she was done and out of there; I was COMPLETELY like What the heck!  She just cancelled out on an otherwise nice day and nice lunch date over something like that that she just FLIPPED OUT over!  (eggshells!)  Subsequent to that, of course I tried to make sure something like that NEVER happened again.  And of course there are 50 to 100 examples of other odd behavior like this; things that I certainly can not repeat to my friends in my non-cyber world, but I can absolutely guarantee you that happened; it was things like that that caused me to start hitting the internet about the brain of my "new love", with red flags going off.  I didn't know if it was real or fabricated, but that definitely happened, 100% truth. Is that like a BPD symptom?

[howard]

yes that is not right but why are you caring now? be glad she is an ex and if she comes around again, run. If she contacts you, do not reply. Be on the look out for anyone who acts so childishly or ridiculous. Life is too short so be glad that you have the knowledge to protect yourself from this terrible disorder and be glad she is an ex.

[MarkDavid]

yes that is not right but why are you caring now? be glad she is an ex and if she comes around again, run. If she contacts you, do not reply. Be on the look out for anyone who acts so childishly or ridiculous. Life is too short so be glad that you have the knowledge to protect yourself from this terrible disorder and be glad she is an ex.

I care because I am just cross-checking myself that I am not being too unreasonable about this type of behavior. I want to make sure in my mind that it is indeed undiagnosed BPD because for whatever reason I take some solace in knowing that; I see her acting “normal” 95 percent of the time, and it causes me pain and causes me to question myself. So I have to remind myself of the horrific things I went through and how that would be what my life would be if I grovelled and took her back.

[In a bad way]

I understand the she can't find a parking space so therefore throws a wobbly fit and ruins the night.
NO it's not normal.
Normal would be to move the bins if she couldn't get passed or park somewhere else.
OR phone you and say she can't get in.
What is not normal is to ruin the night over it, so yes I would say it's BPD as in acting like a child which sums them up.

[Enabler]

I gave her chance after chance after chance to get off this train long ago before involving herself in the lives of my family the way she did; that’s all I’m really saying is that she could have simply spoken up long ago and she didn’t and she became more a part of my life than she should have if her intentions were not pure. That’s really where my anger and hurt come from. Just being honest; may not seem logical to outsiders, but that is how I feel.

Some of the best therapy I have had in the last 18m has been from kind people telling me how it is. Sometimes what we need is not a pat on the back but a slap round the face.

- Are you a helpless victim here? "I gave her chance after chance after chance", that's great and very honorable of you but that was YOUR choice to give her those chances. Why are you holding her accountable just because you now feel like a fool?
- Do you think you can hate her into submission? Like EdR I read nothing but contempt for her actions in your messages. It strike me that you have 2 choices, try to rationalise the behaviors (maybe that's in the context of BPD, maybe it's not) and learn to cope with them with compassion... .or, you don't and cut ties and move on.
- She can only make you feel what YOU allow yourself to feel if you choose the cutting ties. In much the same way you cannot control how she feels, she cannot control how you feel. If we could all control each other I'd have people post money through my door on a daily basis instead of me having to go to work.
- If you want to stay with her and she suffers from BPD... .ruining your evening over some bins could be the least of your problems... .you have a wealth of information on the bpdfamily website and a decent amount of personal experience of your GF... .YOU need to make an informed decision based on your experience and hold YOURSELF personally accountable for that decision.

I hope you get through this and manage to reduce the chaos in your life which ever path you choose to take.

[MarkDavid]

Some of the best therapy I have had in the last 18m has been from kind people telling me how it is. Sometimes what we need is not a pat on the back but a slap round the face.

- Are you a helpless victim here? "I gave her chance after chance after chance", that's great and very honorable of you but that was YOUR choice to give her those chances. Why are you holding her accountable just because you now feel like a fool?
- Do you think you can hate her into submission? Like EdR I read nothing but contempt for her actions in your messages. It strike me that you have 2 choices, try to rationalise the behaviors (maybe that's in the context of BPD, maybe it's not) and learn to cope with them with compassion... .or, you don't and cut ties and move on.
- She can only make you feel what YOU allow yourself to feel if you choose the cutting ties. In much the same way you cannot control how she feels, she cannot control how you feel. If we could all control each other I'd have people post money through my door on a daily basis instead of me having to go to work.
- If you want to stay with her and she suffers from BPD... .ruining your evening over some bins could be the least of your problems... .you have a wealth of information on the bpdfamily website and a decent amount of personal experience of your GF... .YOU need to make an informed decision based on your experience and hold YOURSELF personally accountable for that decision.

I hope you get through this and manage to reduce the chaos in your life which ever path you choose to take.

"Why am I holding her accountable just because I now feel like a fool?"  Well because she lied to me to a pretty significant degree if her intentions were not pure - she wants to still be "friendly" after all of this?  I'm open to suggestions on how I should change my thought process, but those are my feelings.

And, no, this is not about "hating her into submission."

Chaos indeed.

[Enabler]

Well because she lied to me to a pretty significant degree if her intentions were not pure - she wants to still be "friendly" after all of this? 

Did she give you any indication that she was trustworthy when you gave her chance upon chance upon chance? It doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you wished that she was, but there was a lack of acceptance of the disparity between your reality and your blueprint of reality. Fault is somewhat irrelevant, as is blame, it is what it is, and hope or hate will not change that. You cannot hope her different, she is what she is. If you invite a kleptomaniac into you home would you be surprised if they robbed you, and if they wanted to come round for dinner a week later would you be surprised and would you let them?

[MarkDavid]

Did she give you any indication that she was trustworthy when you gave her chance upon chance upon chance? It doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you wished that she was, but there was a lack of acceptance of the disparity between your reality and your blueprint of reality. Fault is somewhat irrelevant, as is blame, it is what it is, and hope or hate will not change that. You cannot hope her different, she is what she is. If you invite a kleptomaniac into you home would you be surprised if they robbed you, and if they wanted to come round for dinner a week later would you be surprised and would you let them?

Points well taken.

So I'm open to suggestion(s):  when I walk in this office to start my day, and she literally happens to be walking right toward me inside the office as a random event as she apparently obviously arrived before I did today, LITERALLY WALKING RIGHT PAST EACH OTHER AS I LITERALLY START MY DAY, what would you suggest I do:

1. make eye contact?
2. say "hi" with a fake smile?

I'm very serious about these questions.  I know it may sound a little funny that this is the actual situation, but believe it or not. That IS the situation.

[MarkDavid]

She is now a work colleague... .so... ."Hey"

... .then keep on walking

Thank you.

[MarkDavid]

Did she give you any indication that she was trustworthy when you gave her chance upon chance upon chance? It doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you wished that she was, but there was a lack of acceptance of the disparity between your reality and your blueprint of reality. Fault is somewhat irrelevant, as is blame, it is what it is, and hope or hate will not change that. You cannot hope her different, she is what she is. If you invite a kleptomaniac into you home would you be surprised if they robbed you, and if they wanted to come round for dinner a week later would you be surprised and would you let them?

Not to sound like an idiot, but she certainly SAID she was trustworthy and ACTED AS IF she was trustworthy; more so, she continues to frame things as she was in her past words and demeanor, despite the direct evidence to the contrary, so that is where a great deal of the frustration comes from.  Just being honest.

[Enabler]

In her mind and in her version of reality she was and is trustworthy and did nothing wrong. She doesn't 'feel' like she did anything wrong therefore in her mind didn't. She believed she acted perfectly reasonably irrespective of the facts. Although in the past you might have been able to claim ignorance as to what BPD meant, fortunately/unfortunately that blindfold has now been lifted for you and I believe you have to adjust your expectations for her.

In the past 6m I have had to rewrite almost 20 years of my reality, rewrite the things I thought I knew and conclusions I had come to based on what my wife had told me. Concrete certainty has been turned on its head and I have had to formulate a new set of historical facts that I can base on actual facts based on evidence and MY recollections rather than a distorted version clouded by my wife's "truth". It's tough, it sucks balls... .BUT I know it has been worse for her and might be even worse for her if she had to rewrite her own reality and accept some of the things she has done to myself and others.

Trust what you can prove. The disorder is horrible, hence why many nons spend years in therapy at the cost of $1000's, spend $1000's on legal services, fight tooth and nail to get custody of their children.   

Leave your resentment at the door, it cannot help you now.

[MarkDavid]

In her mind and in her version of reality she was and is trustworthy and did nothing wrong. She doesn't 'feel' like she did anything wrong therefore in her mind didn't. She believed she acted perfectly reasonably irrespective of the facts. Although in the past you might have been able to claim ignorance as to what BPD meant, fortunately/unfortunately that blindfold has now been lifted for you and I believe you have to adjust your expectations for her.

In the past 6m I have had to rewrite almost 20 years of my reality, rewrite the things I thought I knew and conclusions I had come to based on what my wife had told me. Concrete certainty has been turned on its head and I have had to formulate a new set of historical facts that I can base on actual facts based on evidence and MY recollections rather than a distorted version clouded by my wife's "truth". It's tough, it sucks balls... .BUT I know it has been worse for her and might be even worse for her if she had to rewrite her own reality and accept some of the things she has done to myself and others.

Trust what you can prove. The disorder is horrible, hence why many nons spend years in therapy at the cost of $1000's, spend $1000's on legal services, fight tooth and nail to get custody of their children.   

Leave your resentment at the door, it cannot help you now.

I'm working on trying to leave the resentment at the door; and I know I have a long way to go.

One of the things from her Saturday texts she said, that really just bothers me is:

". . .  I didn't want it to come to this and I am sorry for my part.  We screwed us up. It wasn't one of us.  I wish things were different and in time you won't hate me so much."

Ambiguous, per usual, so no surprise there.  But the part that bugs me is the use of "we" screwed us up; and "it wasn't one of us".  As stated, I have not responded, but if I did I would want to say ""WE" screwed us up?  No, I gave you everything and made everything happen for Us to be together and truly happen and YOU screwed us up."  I get it that that is unnecessary blaming, but I'm sorry that is how I feel.  I don't know what it is that I did to "screw things up" - I thought I got 9,999 things out of 10,000 right; the talk was that despite all of this chaos, she possibly was going to move in on December 1 with my daughter and me, and that talk was as recent as this early November; so how much more inviting and understanding could I be?  How is it that "we" screwed us up?  Am I supposed to be a svengali and control her emotions and feelings?  I'm not quite that talented.

Those are my thoughts and feelings I am trying to work through.

[Cire155]

  I didn't know if it was real or fabricated, but that definitely happened, 100% truth. Is that like a BPD symptom?

I will tell you from my experience that this was common. My exBPD would get mad if I butt dialed her. To the point where she would get mad and not answer any of my calls because she thought they were ALL butt dials. Makes no sense to me. To her it was enough to piss her off. I of course I put an access code on my phone before any calls would be made to her.

[drained1996]

""WE" screwed us up?  No, I gave you everything and made everything happen for Us to be together and truly happen and YOU screwed us up."

Pretty sure many of us felt this way at some point.  There is actually some validity to her comment of "we"... .how and why did we put up with such treatment from someone who supposedly loved us?  What are your thoughts on that?