79 missed calls in 30 mins

[Lostinanother]

So after a while of NC. My ex tried calling me. After about 9 missed calls I picked up and she was crying and saying she wanted to keep me in her life and I fell for it and she got my interest up again. 2 days later our conversations turned into bitter arguments again about the end of our 2 year relationship.
I texted her to say I’m sorry but we can’t be friends because we are both still bitter about the relationship and the mistakes we both made. It was a nice email because even though I’m still really hurt and disappointed about how she ended things I’m not really angry anymore and I’ve reached the point where I’ve realised that even though I loved this woman I just really want to move on because this relationship and all the months after had made me so depressed and tired I just want to move on and forget about all the hurt and BS.
However, when I sent the message she started calling straight away. I emailed her again to say I’m sorry but there’s nothing more to be said, she has a boyfriend and it’s best for both of us this way, so please stop calling.
She tried calling 79 times in 30 minutes.
I’ve never seen anything like that before.
What on earth is she thinking?

[Harley Quinn]

I was also told that he wanted to keep me in his life.  Those exact words.  Not that he wanted me back as a partner but that he wanted to keep me in his life.  That's interesting.  I've had the bombarding too in the past.  It's pretty heavy going to hear the phone ringing non stop.  I used to switch it off as it was too stressful thinking about the state he was clearly in.  When I made my wishes really clear all that stopped.  What you've experienced could be described as an extinction burst.

It sounds as though things may not be going so well in the new r/s and she is possibly feeling a little bit desperate in her dysregulated state.  Potentially the new partner is not looking like they want to continue the r/s and she fears an impending abandonment, or she is struggling with her feelings of engulfment in the r/s.  Either way, she is clearly not in a good place right now emotionally, so it's unlikely she is thinking about you as much as she is thinking about her own panic I'm sorry to say.  It would seem that if moving on and leaving the past behind is your intention then sending the message you have and leaving it at that is a wise move on your part, as there is every chance that you could be drawn into a drama were you to engage.

How are you feeling about not taking the calls?

Love and light x 

[Lostinanother]

Harly, thanks for your reply.
Last time this happened, I felt bad about ignoring so many calls so picked up and asked her what she wanted and she said she wanted to say thank you and goodbye, but I later thought she sensed I was really moving on and was trying to get me on the hook which she succeeded in doing. I felt she wanted some kind of power back. That’s why I later ignored the 79 calls. I had tried calling her before but her phone was engaged for a couple of hours because she was talking to her bf probably. Then as soon as she finished talking with him she straight away tried calling me. That’s why I finally had enough. I don’t want to be mugged off anymore and I’m seriously tired and drained of all this BS 4 months after we broke up and she got with replacement... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Lostin, I think you kept good boundaries by ignoring the 79 calls.  Presumably her fear of abandonment kicked in, and she was compelled to act on her feelings of desperation.  Regardless, that doesn't mean that you should cave in.  Suggest you take a break and block her calls, if you need to.  My BPDxW did the same thing, calling me 50 times when I was having lunch with my sister, of all people, but my Ex was triggered and unregulated.  You can't help her, so keep up your boundaries.  (You can read more about Boundaries under the Tools button, above).

LJ

[Lostinanother]

Thanks Jim,
However, I thought it was more of a passive aggressive attempt ie you will answer my calls and look how hard I’m trying etc

She has a long distance bf now who I know she is getting along very well with so I don’t think she cares about being abandoned as she abandoned me originally

[WarOfRoses]

These people need to have the power. The last word so to speak.

The reason she was so desperate to speak to you was to tilt the balance back in her favor.

By not answering her calls you have denied her the ability to do this.

It's also another example of how all these nut jobs have boundary issues. 

[babyducks]

Hi LIA,

She tried calling 79 times in 30 minutes.
I’ve never seen anything like that before.
What on earth is she thinking?

Well, she's not.    Thinking I mean.   people with BPD have poor impulse control, problems with their executive function/cognitive function, and difficulty regulating their emotions, especially during times of stress.   

By difficulty regulating their emotions I mean staying at an even keel, being in the middle of the road.   Things are either absolutely wonderful, the best they could be, beyond great.     Or horrible beyond description, terrible, so rotten the world might end.   Nothing in between.   Or very rarely in between.

I admit I found the absolutely wonderful periods, to be exhilarating, exciting, almost intoxicating.

And I have to say I found the horribly rotten periods sometimes scary.    Disorienting.    Like I was suddenly in an alternative reality, Rod Sterling, twilight zone.

How are you feeling today about things?

'ducks

[Lostinanother]

   
   
Re: I don't belong to the Improving board, but I feel a strong urge write something
« Reply #11 on: November 22, 2017, 04:03:03 AM »
Reply with quoteQuote  Modify messageModify
Thank you for the input Ducks:)

How am I feeling now? Just tired of all the games. Like I said before I don’t think she was unstable at the time. I knew she had just finished talking on social media with her bf and then decided to call me after to reply to the message I had sent before.

I honestly believe the 79 missed calls was an act of aggression and not desperation. I think she just wanted the last word via call. If she had something important to say she could have messaged me but she just called over and over again for 30 minutes... .

[babyducks]

Hi Lostinanother

I honestly believe the 79 missed calls was an act of aggression and not desperation. I think she just wanted the last word via call. If she had something important to say she could have messaged me but she just called over and over again for 30 minutes... .

Sure.   I never meant to imply that it was anything but an act of aggression.   Sorry for the confusion.   Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the symptoms of BPD.    Almost every thread here on this site references the rage we've all witnessed.

I forgot who said it, some one smarter than me for sure;... .but this quote stuck in my mind:

Their intense and fiery anger comes from a deep belief that you don’t care about them, are not listening to them or are otherwise not meeting their needs. They strike out in pain to punish the one who they believe is hurting them. Unfortunately, this may all be in their heads, and their pain could actually be coming from another source that they are not prepared to deal with.

 

To me, in those moments of rage, I really saw the disorder part of this illness.   For me, there were a lot of sudden dramatic upheavals rising out of perceptible periods of calm. The rage she evidenced  was awe inspiring for its lack of rational context.

My Ex was/is Bipolar 1 and BPD.    In treatment.   committed to recovery.    Even with all of that her bouts of being irrational were like dealing with an alternate reality for me.

hope this helps

'ducks