I'm at wit's end with my mother

[Daga]

Hi Everyone,
 I am 34 year old female (non - BPD), single child and i have recently come to realize that my mother has BPD.  I have studied psychology in my undergrad and I was aware of BPD but never connected the dots until to now.  It was only after googling high functioning anxiety that BPD came on my radar and after reading it was like a massive light bulb came on.

Growing up with my mother was confusing and scary.  She would alternate from stages of aloofness to complete control over everything i did.  She was very strict and I often felt like i had no control over my life and had to do as told in order to appease her but more often then not I felt like i was not good enough and that my “bad" behaviour was a cause of her depression, emotional rages and my parents bad relationship.  I  often fantasized that i was adopted and that one day my biological family will find me and take me away from them.  I craved for approval and positivity.  As much as my parents made me felt “incompetent” deep down inside i knew i was not wrong, but i still tried very hard to please them, but regardless what grades i got in school it was never enough.  If i got a B+ it was why didn’t i get an A if i got 95% on my exam i was asked why did I get that one questions wrong.  I was constantly compared to my peers and judged on what felt was an impossible and constantly shifting standard.

My parents often fought when i was a child, my mom would go into rages often throwing household objects at my dad - it became a family joke that we had 4 sets of incomplete dinnerware.  When i was about 12 my mom had a serious mental breakdown and slipped into depression with 2 suicide attempts.  I was the one that had to stay home and deal with her as my dad worked long hours (now i come to realize that it was his choice and a way to avoid the situation).  For months she lay in bed sobbing while i cooked her food and was made to comfort her.  I was the one to find her after her suicide attempts, first time she tried to hang herself and second time she took too many sleeping pills.  She left a suicide note on the dinning room table - my dad was not home, when i called him frantically to tell him what happened and that mom was “asleep” and barley responsive - he didn’t call the ambulance and i cant even remember if he came home.  After months of walking home from school and not knowing if my mom would be alive when i came home the anger build up so much that i couldn't just passively sit there and take it.  We started to fight and argue as I refused to comfort her and tell her she was a good mom  - I started saying things as i saw them and that did not go well, my dad blamed me for my moms behaviour.  I cant remember how exactly things improved but at some point they did temporarily.  The cycle of rages and depression continued for the rest of my teenage years, she could never hold a job as she would loose her temper and get fired.  Things would be relatively calm if I was passive and appeased her but the moment things would not go well in her life I could see the build up of anger in her.  She would often provoke a fight - i knew that if i spoke up i would get blamed for her behaviour but i stoped caring and i couldn’t hold all my anger in any longer.  

Right after high school I went to a university across the continent (5,000 km to be precise).  I only came home for the summer and Christmas holidays and spoke to my parents on the phone.  This was the only time we had some sort of a normal relationship but my mom would still call me crying, depressed and asking for help.  I eventually moved back to the same area as them, even stayed with them for short periods after university and my divorce.  But they were never kind and supportive and we fought a lot.   When i got fed up with my moms behaviour and refused to give in to her distorted view of reality she would explode and then always ran to my dad to get symphony.  He always sided with her and would blame me for her behaviour,  i was often told I should treat her with respect.  I felt like i could not “win” and often after conversations with them i felt like i was the crazy one.  I begged them to get mom help constantly but they always refused and my dad continued to enable her behaviour.  In the most recent years my dad started to drink heavily to cope and i managed by slowly withdrawing from them and learned not to share much about my personal life as they would always find a way to use it against me.

This brings us to the present moment - 4 months ago my mom has been diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer.  She was sick for a while but all my pleas for her to go to a doctor where ignored.  Until things got so bad i had to yell at both of them to take mom to the hospital where on top of the cancer they found 4 blood cloths in her lungs.  After her initial diagnosis i jumped into hyperdrive - i drove her to all her medical appointments at least twice a week, i tried to bring them food and cook for them, keep them calm and from spinning out as they have absolutely no coping skills.  There was absolutely no gratitude or basic thank you - both of them would offload on me as they pleased and my attempts to explain to them how hurtful and difficult this is for me as well where completely dismissed.  So after 3 months the emotional exhaustion from her abusive/dysfunctional behaviour set it and i couldn't do it anymore, I was constantly anxious, i would dread the days i had to see her and I generally felt like I had no control over my life.  i realized i needed to draw some boundaries otherwise i would go crazy.  I told my mom I am not her therapist and i will not discussed her problems with her any longer.  i also explained to them that i care for them but i cant be the one that constantly calls them to make sure they are ok and if they need anything to please call me and i will try my best to help.  As you can imagine this did not go well - i kept reminding them of the boundaries but all i would get is accusatory and angry phone calls  that i don’t care about them.  Everything i did was perceived as i was negligent and generally that i am terrible human being.  

Last week I couldn't take my mom to chemo as i woke up with slight fever - when i called my dad i was met with shouting and basically calling me an ass for not helping my mom.  Eventually i had no choice but to drag myself out of bed to drive 30 km to her house pick her up drive her another 15 km to the hospital and return.  When told her i would not be going into the treatment area with her as i’m sick and she will be in a room full of chemo patients with compromised immune system - she lost it and we had a fight.  She basically pulled the i’m dying card and that she wants me to comfort her because i owe her as she has helped me thru my divorce which  apparently left her depressed.  Similar thing happened yesterday when she made a statement: “Don't you think you should come and clean the house for us and also sit with me and keep me company”.  When i refused this led to anther fight where she told me that I am the one that is mean to her and basically it is my responsibility to make her feel better.  I probably didn’t react to this very well and said said No it is my responsibility  and i’m trying my best but i just cant do it any more and that yes i haven’t been the nicest but that is a result of how i feel they have been treating me and that she needs to take ownership for her behaviour.  She told me to “F**** off and leave the house”.  Few hours later my dad called me swearing at me as apparently my mom trashed the house and once again said it is all my fault and that i should respect my mother and that i’m basically an ass , told me to F**** off and hung up the phone on me.  

Emotional, i am devastated, i feel guilty and i feel like i should have just sucked it up and appeased them for the sake of peace but i know logically i just couldn’t subject myself to this anymore and weirdly enough i feel relived.  Logical, I know i have tried my best and I don't see a way of making this situation functional without sacrificing my mental health.  I am at the stage where i am ready to completely cut all contact with my parents but i know they are dealing with a very hard situation and they are scared and frightened and their way of comping is to take it out on me, but i refuse to be the punching bag anymore.  My moms prognosis is not good and I feel like i should be the supportive daughter and make the most of the time we have left together but the scars are so deep and there is so much anger i don’t know how to get past it.  I’m afraid of the fall out, of what my extended family will feel if i decide to cut all ties with them.

I realize what i just wrote is very long and detailed so thank you for anyone who has taken the time to read this.   i would love some advice on this situation.  

[FoxC]

Hello,

Thanks for sharing your story, some bits of it reminds mine and I can understand the pain you are going through.

I'm a single daughter of a BPD mom who's always been strict and controlling and at the same time played the 'being sick and fragile' card on me, and I found myself a BPD boyfriend who's just like her... .  Nice.

I'm not really able to give you much advice as I'm still working things out and am new to all of this... Just figured out things recently myself (like a light bulb as you said). But I just thought, you are helping your parents a lot. Are there things you think your mom and dad could do for themselves that they expect from you? Maybe your dad could take some part of driving your mom to the health care, maybe they could do the cooking cleaning thing themselves? You know, after doing so much things for my mom and my boyfriend I thought only I could do, because they won't be able to, I discovered that: 1) yes, there are things they won't do because they don't want to or they expect you to do, but it's their own responsibility in fact to take a proper care of themselves. 2) there are things, when you leave it to them, THEY WOULD DO FOR THEMSELVES and you've never believed they would... I've never believed my boyfriend would go through a serious hospital treatment without me... but he did, in my great surprise.

So, maybe, you could load off your shoulders a bit, by re-thinking where your help is really needed. Being a caretaker and co-depended, this is a great challenge for myself right now, but I'm learning. There's a lot of FOG thing in the air.

Keep writing, hope to hear from you!

[Daga]

Hi FoxC,

Thank you for replying to my post and for your insight.

I completely agree with you that everything I have been doing for them they can do for themselves.  I have spoken to them few weeks backs and said that this is too much for me and I need to scale back and I have taken nearly two weeks from seeing them.  The response as you can imagine was very hostile as they have perceived it as abandonment.   

I think the problem is not the act of me physically doing something for them but I think it is an excuse to for them to over rely on me emotional.  They overdramatize everything and spiral out of control I feel like 60% of their stress is self inflicted.  It takes all my will power to stay calm and logical and prevent my mother from having a meltdown.  When i'm around she overlies on me and overplays the victim role and I just don't want to play that game with her. 

Yesterday I started "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking your life backs when someone you care has borderline personality disorder" and even thou i haven't read a great deal of it yet i have gotten some insight and i know a great deal of the recent behaviour is her lashing out because she feels abandoned.

I guess i don't know how to proceed from here on - i feel we are at a stand off.  I don't want to give in and apologize as i feel like i have done nothing wrong and i feel this time they have gone too far.  I know that they expect an apology from me as they never take responsibility for their behaviour or will understand that my feelings are valid.

[bright_future_mama]

Wow.  Your story sounds so similar to mine.  My mom did the suicide attempt thing twice (I feel like they were more for attention-she took a whole bunch of Benadryl) and the same for me... .I don't remember my Dad even being around or helping at all.  As a mother, I can't imagine letting my child deal with something like that alone.  I had to take her to the hospital and have her stomach pumped and then she was transported to a mental health facility for a few days.  Ironically, later that night I caught my father with his mistress in my parent's house. 

My last convo with my Dad--he told me I was unbalanced and found fault with everything and not to come to his funeral.  Mind you--he's an alcoholic and gambling addict and I suspect has narcissistic personality disorder.  My mother is BPD.  And I know what you mean about the relief.  It was almost like I'd gotten permission to not have a relationship with him.

I've gone no contact for survival. 

[worn_out]

I had a similar mother, but fortunately I had siblings, which took some of the heat off me.
My mother always pretended to have a heart attack when she felt she wasn't getting enough attention. So when these histrionic parents actually get legitimate health problems, it's a shock. Maybe you can speak to one of the social workers at the hospital and see if your mom can get a health care attendant to look after her. Of course, she'll want you and not a "stranger," but it will take a load off of you and be better for your mom in the long run. And when she does die, it's OK to feel relieved. Borderline mothers are so, so draining.