Hi there. New. Believe my wife has BPD.

[whenwherewhy]

Hi there everyone,
  Just looking for somewhere so I don't feel as alone.   I have a 20 month old son and I am finally starting to worry my wife will effect his emotional development.   Last night my wife went off on me yet again in front of our son.

She had put a laundry basket on the floor with folded laundry.   I was looking at my phone and didn't notice that our son had started throwing laundry out of the basket.  I looked up just as she noticed. 

She looked at me like I had wronged her horribly.   Said how could I not notice he was doing that.  Started insulting me.  I said.  It's ok, I'll pick it up.  No need to be upset.  ( I  thought it was cute/funny)  she started throwing laundry,  then dumped out the basket.  saying over and over... .yeah why get mad, nothing matters, who cares!  All while being furious, then muttered hateful things as she went up to bed.

My energy is running low, and her anger is more and more frequent.

That is all, just wanted to share.   and HI!

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hurtingbad]

Hello,
I can completely relate to an argument like that one... .although I have to admit I still do not understand them.  I, like you, would have thought it no big deal, picked it up and went about my business, but people with BPD... .just not going to happen.  I'm still trying to figure this all out (after being married 27 years) and sometimes feel like those battered wives who, when someone asks why they stay, they just say, "... .because I love him".  Sounds so pathetic, but it's true.  And, in the many times that he's not losing him mind over something simple, he really is a great guy!
Know you are definitely not alone... .there are obviously many of us going thru the same things, which in itself helps just a little    Hopefully we'll all find our way thru this soon.

[No-One]

Hi Whenwherewhy:

I'm sorry that your wife is a high-conflict person and that you had this difficult situation.  Thought I'd share a possible angle on the situation with the laundry basket.

I'm thinking your wife felt invalidated by the fact that you were a bit amused by what your son did.  It sounds cute to ordinary people, and something many might even take a photo of to laugh about later.  

Validation of feelings for someone with BPD traits is important to them.  It wasn't necessary that you agreed with your wife's frustration about the laundry, just that you could have acknowledged how she felt.  Something like: "I know you put a lot of effort into the laundry and I really appreciate that.  I can understand how seeing our son make a mess of it upset you.  I'm sorry if I seemed amused."  

It can really seem like you have to walk on egg shells, but validation or not invalidating can be a helpful tool. Check out the "Basic Tools" in the margin to the right.  There is a link there to ":)on't be invalidating".  Perhaps that strategy can be helpful in the future, or now with a little backtracking.

Even if you aren't able to validate her.  The most important thing is to not invalidate her. Although you agreed to fix the situation, she likely felt invalidated and that her efforts were underappreciated or didn't matter.  

[whenwherewhy]

Hi folks.
Hurtingbad.  Yeah.  I think the momentary "value" boost they get from devaluing someone else is addictive.  Even if that feeling superior moment is fleeting before the shame. That is my best guess.  Ha.

Noone, yeah, I istinctually did that even before I found this place.  The main problem is the switch happens before I can validate anything.  And when I try I get hit with.  "No you don't!"

But yes... .I do try. 

And thanks both of you for the warm welcome.