Thanksgiving Day: To be...or not to be "Thankful"

[yellowflowers88]

Thanksgiving Day... .I am thankful for... .food, family, and fun. Food: check, dried up and two hours later, yes. Family: check, upset and entirely confused, yes. Fun: not exactly... .

My mother has successfully "ruined" another thanksgiving day.
I say this in quotations because I know it's all her fault. They say she cannot control it... .But what am I to do if she cannot control anything. What do I say when she blames me or my father for getting HER upset, when she has been the one yelling and berating us. When you are in a lose-lose situation and do not have the energy or brain power to try and figure her out.
I love her, but being around her when she is in an episode... .make me want to wretch. I have tried to read books on her condition and some of the scripted responses they tell you to use have helped.
But... .today, like so many other holiday's we are "against" her and it is all our fault that she feels rotten. I have craved for normal, resented not having normal, resigned my self to not having normal, and feel sorry for her not having normal all at the same time. Nobody wins, not even her. Therapists don't help, medications don't seem to either. And my father, who has just had brain surgery, cannot help her the same way he used to. My father and I are candles burnt at both ends, and Christmas... .I don;t want to think about. I had planned a trip away... .but if I go,my father will have no relief from her, and neither will have transportation unless they ask a friend.
 
So... .now that I have written, and soon I will pray.
I am thankful for the fact that even though my father and I are spent, and my mother is not well herself. That my father, even when he wants to... .does not fully give up on her. He is still married to my mum.
I do not know what to do for her, or to do for my dad, or even what to do for myself sometimes.
But if the legacy they leave behind is only that they stayed together, that will have to be enough for me to get through today and the tomorrows after.

I have left my mum alone for awhile, hoping she can "cool down". I told her things were making me feel ill. Probably the right response for some one with BPD, but I did not know what else to say... .
The conflict has been so ongoing that I have no idea how to manage this added stress, and I did not want to poison someone else's day, that is actually having a good day, with my worries.
So... .I looked up a support group. I don't know if anyone else is having the same kind of day I am, or if they are having a worse one. But here I am, and this is my story for today.
If anyone else has had to eat their meal with earplugs in, so as not to have their ears hurt by the yelling, and want s to cry just a bit, I am joining your club.

Happy Thanksgiving? Not really, but I'm working on it.
Maybe the next time I go see her I will "be an angel". Wouldn't that be grand.

[Kwamina]

Hi yellowflowers88

Welcome to our online community  I am sorry Thanksgiving turned out to be quite an unpleasant experience with your mother. Many of our members (including me) have experienced that holidays or special family events can often be very difficult with BPD family-members.

You left your mother alone for a while in hopes she might cool down. How did things go after that?

How are things now?

You mention therapists and medications not helping. Has your mother perhaps been officially diagnosed with BPD? What kind of therapy and medication did she get?

I am glad you went looking for a support group and landed here. Many of our members know how hard it can be dealing with a BPD parent. I have a BPD mother too and during holidays and the periods surrounding the holidays she has in the past sometimes exhibited her very worst behavior. We cannot change our BPD family-members if they don't want to though, but what we can change is our own behavior and learn new tools and coping strategies.

Take care and again welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot