Ive been frozen out awaiting possible cancer diagnosis, Please help

[Blueskyday]

Hi,

I have a 28yr old dtr with BPD traits. At the start of Nov I had acute gynie symptoms that they put down to UTI for 3 weeks. No GP would examine me. Eventually I got so bad they had no choice. I was immediately referred to Gynie Oncology. I am unable to work. I am in incredible pain and am scared.

My dtr was okish until When here for her birthday my pain got worse. She is messy and had trashed my house over the weekend, her birthday weekend.
In spite of my symptoms I went to get her gifts and my GD and I tried to give her a Birthday.

She kept saying it was a non event this year. They stayed till Tuesday. Before she left she got very angry when tidying up. She left in a huff. I know I didnt do or say anything wrong. My Gchild was looking at me with such sadness during her shouting.

The usual constant wotsapping has stopped. I am frozen out. I got so bad I started to bleed. I havent coped facing this alone. She said her house is too dirty for me to be there. Her house is always dirty. Every day has dragged. I need to wait till Wed to see the Oncologist. I have slept, cried. She has not contacted me.

Finally I reached out Sat to say I am not coping so alone. Her response is that she will come with me Wed. I am not alone but she cant have me at her house. When she left she took my laptop which I need so I asked to collect it today. It took all the strenght I had to drive there. I desperately wanted to see my Gchild.

My dtr was cold and angry. It was as if she was waiting for me to leave in spite of me assuring her I wouldnt stay long.

This is harder to bear than the prospect of what lies before me. I am totally cut out and cut off. I have not been allowed to move on with life as I have had to co parent the child so that she wouldnt neglect her.
We appeared to be ok recently. I have no one. When I left she gave me the most awful look. I may  as well be gone as far as she is concerned.

I am so sad, shocked and heartbroken.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hope2727]

I am sorry for what you are enduring. I know how hard it is to face illness and alone is so much harder. There are many great people here. They will have advice. Meanwhile take gentle care of yourself.

[Blueskyday]

Thank you for responding. I did not know where to turn. Every day feels like a week. She told me yesterday I was not alone. She said I was isolating myself. It is so confusing. I never ever imagined she could be so cruel.

My beautiful Grandbaby asked me to stay when I was leaving. I must have been there for 30 minutes. The house smelled like a trash tip but wasnt any worse than normal. She clearly does not want me anywhere near her because I NEED at the moment. I am not an overly needy person. I am the strong one. This came from nowhere.

When the bleeding stopped all the UTI symptoms that had subsided returned as did the pain. I dont feel right at all.

I dont want her with me on Wednesday. Suddenly she is like a hostile stranger. No one needs or deserves that. I dont know what to do with myself. I am terrified to think beyond Wednesday. I am so alone

[hope2727]

Is there a crisis line or support line in our area? Maybe a cancer support group. Could you call for some human contact?

[Blueskyday]

No, there is only Samaritans if you are Suicidal. The issue isnt the possible diagnosis. Being frozen out is the hardest thing to cope with.

I dont want to dwell on what could be. I am in the moment and I am alone. Whatever happens Wed she will still have BPD


I am trying to soothe myself. I can not speak to her about how I feel again. I feel like I have broken down. One if the hardest things is not being able to keep busy due to the pain

[MomMae]

Hi Blueskyday,

I just read your thread and had to respond.  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I wish there was something I could say or do to help.  Please just know that there are very kind people on this board who not only understand what you are going through with your daughter, but also care very much about you as a person, too. 

I pray that you get positive news on Wednesday, Blueskyday.  You are not alone.    MomMae

[Blueskyday]

Mom Mae, I know only ppl here will get it. Thank you. I needed to reach out and I need to soothe myself at the same time.

It surprises me that this surprises me. How strong I am being surprises me and how controlled I am. I am so symptomatic which is holding me back or I would scrubb the house and iron.

I feel so much better now with you both responding. I know no one can change the way things are but I just needed not to feel so alone.

[Blueskyday]

I just remembered that today my dtr told me she has taken Friday off work to put up her Christmas tree.

I keep switching from being sort of numb and heartbroken; The pain keeps coming and I have only 1 more lot of pain killers to take. Time is standing still

[Feeling Better]

Hi Blueskyday

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Please, I urge you, contact Samaritans, you do not have to be suicidal to speak to someone there. If you feel unable to talk to someone you can communicate by text. You can google them, there is loads of information on their website.

You don’t have to go through this alone x

[Blueskyday]

I am so greatful for you beautiful souls out there who have taken the time to send a few words. I cant say what a difference it makes. I can see that most have a child with BPD. It has been rearing it head since she was pre-pubescent at 10. Its been a long hard 18yrs.

I am doing a lot of thinking so maybe this isolation is a gift. It would have been far worse ( hard to imagine at the moment) if they say I have Cancer and she then dissapears. Now I know where the land lies and I can prepare for all eventualities.

If they tell me something else I need to re evaluate my life choices. Those of you who live this know they keep you stuck. They keep you alone for them and drive people away. I think I got so ill and tired I gave in. The drama she has created could be filed under fiction. I could have had many partners after my man died but she drove everyone of them away for various reasons.

If I am ok then I need to make a life for myself. I need to find a way to detatch but stay close to the child.

I can take some pain killers soon and sleep. I dont want to call Samaritans. I just need to get through the next couple of days.

My overwhelming feelings as the days pass is I dont want her to have left me all alone and then come to the Oncologist. I do not want her there under these circumstances. She will create Huùuge drama if I say that to her but I dont want her there. I needed her and she left me. She cant make this about her but by God she will try

[Blueskyday]

Hi

Ive been awake since 7am thinking. I can honestly count on one hand the times I have felt so alone in this world. I appreciate all the choices I made which led me here were mine.

I truly thought ( again) that my dtr and I had somehow made some positive strides. How wrong I was. Not one word from her since I left yesterday. I could have Cancer. It still shocks me clearly seeing her reaction.

I have told her that I will go to the hospital alone because things are strained between us. I have said I feel alone and I have been alone for a week.

Her response is that she knew I would do this. She has said that I am being weird. She has things to do and trouble at work which I dont care to ask about. I got reams of wotsapps putting me in my place. She is on the verge of tears due to my message. I will realise in a few weeks that I am totally wrong and I do have support which is more than other ppl have.

If i am so mistaken then why did she cut me out. Why was i forbidden from going to her home. Why did she stop contacting me and scream and shout before leaving?

She has cautioned me to be careful before I message her again as she is concerned she wont be able to deal with the stuff she needs to if I upset her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi Blueskyday

Please correct me if I am wrong, but it seems to me that you and your daughter clearly love each other but things are going wrong due to poor communication as so often happens, in all kinds of relationships.

I feel sad for you that this is happening, especially at this difficult time for you. Is there any way that you and your daughter can find some common ground on which you can try to rebuild your relationship? Have you considered relationship counselling with her?

I do understand how you are feeling, your daughter has hurt you more than words can say and it is really difficult to get over that hurt. More so in your case because of the added complication of your impending diagnosis. I hope things work out for you x

[Blueskyday]

I think you are right. The cracks in our relationship show at times like this.

So just when you think things cant get worse they do. My Granchild has had leg pain and my dtr took her to the doctor as the school demand proof of illness. So the Doctor sends them to the local hospital for blood tests. I am so worried about my Grandbaby. She called me and sounds so sad and worried. They have been at the hospital for 2 hrs and havent had the blood test yet. I am not allowed to go to my Daughters so I cant be with her.

Wow! I went to the shop and the pain that produced in my tummy is terrifying.

I am starting to feel a little crazy now

[Blueskyday]

I am so totally confused.

My Grandchild was taken to hospital for blood tests and thankfully my Dtr starts communicating again. I got the wotsapps and updates. All in all it took about 5 hrs. She told me they took blood and xrayed my Gbaby's leg. I got photos of her bandaged with a candula left in. I am shaking.

Then my dtr told me she fainted and had to be put on a stretcher while my Grandchild sat on a nurses lap crying as she felt so poorly.

Then she told me my Grandchild was put on a short stay ward. I am not allowed to go. Eventually all the results come back. My Grandchild is fine. The Xray was clear and the blood work is clear. Thank God.

I am still not allowed to go over.

[wendydarling]

Hi Bluesky

I'm glad your grandchild is well and your DD communicated with you. What a relief.

I hope you can rest up and are comfortable tonight 

WDx

[Blueskyday]

Thanks so much. I am so relieved she is fine.I slept . What a blessing sleep is.

Grandbaby called when they left the hospital but was cut off by my dtr. She said she had to go but would call back. I heard nothing. I tried to call and the phone was off.

I am afraid that all of the drama surrouding the children's hospital feels very much like the BPD. No doubt I am being blamed for her fainting. My dtr told my Grandchild who is 6 that she fainted and had to be put on a stretcher. This I just dont understand. Grandbaby knows I am poorly as I am not working but she had no idea when she was here what was wrong or the amount if pain I was in. I just said I had a tummy ache and she thought nothing of it. Yesterday was unecessarily traumatic for the child because of my dtr's reactions.

[Blueskyday]

I have one more day to wait till the hospital. I am going to have to let my daughter come with me although I would much rather go alone. She has left me when I needed her the most. Yesterday when she needed a sounding board the wotsapps started and again suddenly stopped.

I love and adore that child and need to be able to be with her. She said "Grandma if you were there you would have freaked out", bless her. I explained that I didnt know she would be there for so long or I would have come.

My pain levels are still quite high even though its been going on for a month. I just feel numb now.

I have come full circle. It has been a tough lonely week but I am ready to face whatever tomorrow brings. I won't be expecting support or affection from my daughter though now. It feels appropriate that I know where I stand going in