Days of a silent treatment

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey everyone  

I'm in day 3 of a silent treatment from my pwBPD.  This makes me crazy.  On one hand, I love the space I get but, on the other I am in constant dread of how she'll eventually react.  

I always fold, usually right away to avoid the stress of her emotions.  But, this time I'm gonna just wait until she's ready to calmly talk to me about stuff.  I'm going to try to not envision all the emotional chaos going on with her.  I'm going to just focus on me getting through the day without enabling her to throw all the blame and problems on me.  

When she starts promising me that she's gonna cheat on me and start throwing around the D word I'm just gonna  leave the room or the house.

 I even packed a bag last night and put it in my trunk in case I need to leave in a hurry if things start to get violent.  They've never gotten violent before but, this is new territory for me and I feel like it could go that direction.

I'm posting these thoughts because I'm scared that I won't be able to stand my ground, or maybe I'm not handling this right.  I'm anticipating the extinction stuff I read about recently on this webpage.  

Any suggestions?  Observations?  Words of Wisdom?  

[Steeplechase]

Hey everyone  

I'm in day 3 of a silent treatment from my pwBPD.  This makes me crazy.  On one hand, I love the space I get but, on the other I am in constant dread of how she'll eventually react.  

I always fold, usually right away to avoid the stress of her emotions.  But, this time I'm gonna just wait until she's ready to calmly talk to me about stuff.  I'm going to try to not envision all the emotional chaos going on with her.  I'm going to just focus on me getting through the day without enabling her to throw all the blame and problems on me.  

When she starts promising me that she's gonna cheat on me and start throwing around the D word I'm just gonna  leave the room or the house.

 I even packed a bag last night and put it in my trunk in case I need to leave in a hurry if things start to get violent.  They've never gotten violent before but, this is new territory for me and I feel like it could go that direction.

I'm posting these thoughts because I'm scared that I won't be able to stand my ground, or maybe I'm not handling this right.  I'm anticipating the extinction stuff I read about recently on this webpage.  

Any suggestions?  Observations?  Words of Wisdom?  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

Planning ahead... .very wise move.  It will make your decision to leave much easier (should it come to that), knowing that things are ready.

OK... .what does "folding" look like?

What does waiting until she is calm like?  Have you tried that before?

Why not live your life... "invite her along" and enjoy her company if she comes... .and enjoy yourself if she doesn't. 

The key is that YOU are taking charge of your life and your happiness regardless of her ST or whatever other dysfunctional tool she is using.

When she starts promising cheating or other things... .express shock... .express that it will make you sad.  Then talk about something else... .and/or leave the room.

Extinction bursts can be scarey... .I have been there.  Use boundaries to protect yourself from the intense stuff.  (in other words... .let her have her burst... you go do something else).

How does this sound?  Does this change your plan?

FF

[Red5]

religispill, .it’s day 5 for me, been here many times over the years, the cycle is about 1.5, to three weeks between ephisodes... .and the longest ST and or devaluation cycle was almost thirty days, including a six month seperation when we first married... .@formflier has offered very good advice, as in do not let your sig other w(u?)BPD rule your day to day life, because if you allow this happen, you will start to lose yourself in this over time... .I too have enjoyed the “peace” that her withdrawal has brought... .this usually ends (for me) whenI give in, and offer my most apathetic opplogy, .I am going to ride this out for a while this time, as she blames me, and as she holds the approaching holidaze hostage as it were, over time your resolve to fix yourself to please her, thus to avoid  any forthcoming and or precieved conflict (always my fault) will wax cold, seems it never ends, I know, read about the so called stages, adderation, devaluing and unfortunately the discard... .don’t let it drive you crazy, because it certainly will if you let it... .hang in there religispill

[formflier]

Instead of apologizing or even acknowledging the ST... .just carry on. 

They will do "ST" because it somehow works for them... .they get attention... .an apology... .something.

If you don't pay attention to it... .perhaps ST will slowly die out.

FF

[Red5]

I have recently read that one aspect of ST may be for the p/BPD to “self sooth”, they sig other will not cooperate, ie’ JADE, .so we get what we see here, to quote the Captain from the movie “Cool Hand Luke”... .“what we have here is a failure to communicate”... .and then bang, out go the lights, the door slams shut, and away they go into their silent retake the [ST] ~ (self soothing) of you/me/we... .and what do you/me/we do?, .I think that they (she) will hope that you/we/me will cry, grovel, and or submit (change to suit) thus validate?... .May be on to something in regards to this self soothing... .maybe,

[formflier]

There is another way to look at it.  One which I have mostly adopted. 

1.  I believe there are times with a pwBPD understands that they shouldn't be communicating or "be part" of a r/s.

2.  I believe that many times ST is a result of a pwBPD understanding that if they open their mouth, r/s damage will likely occur.

3.  I believe that when someone is "telling" you with their actions that they can't be involved with or communicate to you at the moment... that you should believe them

4.  I believe that other peoples actions are mostly about them and not you and that we should resist the urge to personalize things. 

IN other words... their silence is about them and we shouldn't assume they are "trying" to hurt us or "show us" something.

Hope this helps.

FF

[Steeplechase]

Wow, I am really humbled and grateful for the thoughtful responses.  You guys have helped me manage a tough weekend emotionally.  Overall, I feel like it was much needed time of reflection and recovery.  Here is how things played out so far:

Near the end of the workday on Friday, when I wrote the first post, she txtd me that she'd like to talk later.  She made a point to clarify to me that there would be no shouting or fighting.  I thought to myself, "okay, this is good."  For the talk, I kept my cool.  She did for the most part as well.  However the content of the talk was not healthy.  She was confident that we were done and so she tried to calmly discuss with me what the end of our marriage looked like, how to file for D, how to talk to the kids about it, whether to ride out the rest of the 2 year lease, etc.  We've done this before, several times.  This time however, I anticipated the deregulation.  Her eyes filled with tears and I felt my heart quicken.  Here it comes... .  She was affected by my calmness. Taking it so well, my apparent relief at the mention of D.  It gets a bits fuzzy here.  I was able to steer us away from meltdown by talking about something else, something intellectually stimulating.  She was able to have a conversation with me about ancient philosophy and how it blended with early Christianity for a good 10-15 mins. I hugged her, told her I loved her then promptly left the house to get beer when I felt like she was starting to rage.   

The next day she had work in the morning and that evening we had planed weeks ago to go do a friendsgiving type thing with a bunch of friends.  I did some thinking that morning and talked to a few ther people about it and decided to keep my distance.  My W mentioned that she just wanted this nightmare to go away before she left for work.  I wasn't ready.  I needed some distance.  I couldn't define it, but I felt like she was trying to force me back into the relationship to ease her fear of abandonment.  Although I do feel like she deserves some reassurance and tranquility, I wouldn't get any of that, I'd be back on eggshell mountain without a harness. So, I said I wouldn't go, that I didn't think it was a good idea.  She called me and we were back into the Black, she was angrily demanding that I tell her that we were over... accused me of mixed messages by hugging her and tell her I love her and then refusing to spend time with her.  I did my best to stay quiet on the phone, but I did do some invalidating.  I did tell her I need space, I can't do the extreme emotional shifting anymore. 

She hung up and we didn't speak for hours.  She txtd me at one point to ask me to come to the party, she said everyone was asking about me.  I didn't respond.   I spent the evening on the couch in a daze, kinda dozing.  I had a ton of anxiety and looked at my phone in fear of new messages the whole night.

She got home later and was nice to me.  We even ended up having a few drinks together and had fun lampooning a show on Netflix for 2-3 episode.

This morning i struggled to get out of bed, lots of anxiety about what to expect from the day.  Was she going to be pissed that I didn't touch her last night?  Would she give me an hour lecture on how terrible I am at meeting her needs?  Will she again tell me that she can't wait for me to like her again and she wants to see other people? 

Nope, she apologized to me for her behavior the previous day.  She told me that she spoke to her old therapist and acknowledged that she needs to improve how she communicates with me. 

So, that brings me to now.  Keeping up my boundaries and listening to my intuition seems to be working. 

** Everyone's responses on this topic have helped me tremendously to keep my resolve.  Thank you very much.

[formflier]

Hey... .big thing to clarify with you.  Do you want a divorce?  I get the vibe that you don't... .but that is not something to be confused about.

Where do you see this relationship going "as far as you can control?"  Basically "your vote".

I've got tons of advice and ideas... .but those assume you want to stick around the r/s and see how much better it can get.

FF

[Red5]

Came across this old post... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272481.10

[Red5]

And this one as well... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272320.0

[formflier]

Steeplechase,

How is the silent treatment going?

What did you think of the links Red5 provided?

FF