Having a tough time tonight

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been 2 weeks no contact, she changed her number. Having a hard time of it tonight, my brain won't be still, and the urge to contact her, when though I can't, is unbearable.
Could it be, that I know, this was the last recycle, and she isn't coming back? I have glimpses of clarity, all be then brief, I am hanging into them.
Advice and encouragement, that this does get easier, I don't know where I would be without this amazing forum xx

[Pencil sketch]

It's been 2 weeks no contact, she changed her number. Having a hard time of it tonight, my brain won't be still, and the urge to contact her, when though I can't, is unbearable.
Could it be, that I know, this was the last recycle, and she isn't coming back? I have glimpses of clarity, all be then brief, I am hanging into them.
Advice and encouragement, that this does get easier, I don't know where I would be without this amazing forum xx

[Lucky Jim]

Hey PS, two weeks is a relatively short time, so give yourself a break.  How long were you together?  It sounds as if you have gone through previous recycles?  Fill us in, when you can.  I would suggest that it's one thing to have a thought about reaching out, and another thing to do it (or attempt to do it).  Fortunately you didn't try to contact her, presumably because you can't since she changed her number.  Maybe that is a good thing in some ways, because it forces you to focus on yourself, which is what you should be doing, in my view.  Try to treat yourself with care and compassion.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Take a walk in the woods.  Have a talk with a close friend or family member.  Make an appointment with a T.  You get the idea.

LuckyJim

[Pencil sketch]

Thanks for your reply, it was a LDR, and lasted just over 2 yrs. It's hard to say how many times we have been through the mill, but this is the 3rd major recycle, resulting in her breaking it off, and reconnecting. I have read and learnt alot about the dynamics, and can see why I took her back, of course nothing Changed, and the pattern starred again. This last time, we were making plans for me to move closer, then, on the last night of my visit, she ends it, or should I say, creates a scene. When I returned home, she gave me the silent treatment, very curt, blunt responses, I kept asking what I had done wrong, but in her usual style, couldn't give me an answer.
We had communication for 3 months, very fraught, with no real answers. She maintained, she hated me, but kept up the communication, she is much better at NC than I am, and used that several times. I still didn't have the answers I needed, mainly, what I had done wrong. I changed my number, but stupidly, contacted her again, I just couldn't move on.
The emotional ping pong started again, and I said I would drive up to see her, but she refused. I tried to explain my confusion, why she  hanged her mind about me moving up, why it was ending again, and just got the usual laughing face emojis.
We had one last show down, where I once more, asked her to just stay away, she sent a few drunken messages, and that was it.
I am just utterly confused, one minute we were discussing my moving up, and the next, she has pulled the rug again.
She has a drink problem, and suffers from depression, she hasn't formerly been diagnosed with BPD,  but her behaviour, certainly points that way.
I am working on codependency issues, but hate that once again, left me in limbo, and this time, I will never know, what I did.

[Pencil sketch]

I would just like to clarify, I brought the online dialogue to it's conclusion, many times, but she always came back with the dramatics, and I was stupidly sucked in again. She messaged, mainly, during the early hours. I became very emotional the night before she cut contact, I was virtually pleading with her, to either, discuss it properly, or leave me alone, she accused me of being, aggressive towards her, which she did, if I ever expressed any emotion, or cried in front of her.
I just wanted to know, why it was ending, but didn't realise then, the dynamics of what was happening, the lack of closure, kept the cycle going.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi PS,

Sorry to hear you're struggling with these strong feelings.  It can be so very hard and I know, because I've been there, as have many of us here.  What I can tell you is that is DOES get better and I can testify to that.  This forced NC is double edged.  Whilst it's so tough that it's not your choice and you have these strong urges to reach out to her, it is also giving you time and space to begin to see things from a clearer perspective, learn more and think things over.  Have you considered writing down the plus points and minus points of the r/s? 

What would you say is most important to you in a r/s?  Try to establish a list of things that really matter to you and then consider whether or not this r/s was able to fulfil these things for you.  I would suspect that you will find that some if not all of your most important values were not being met.  Only when we are removed from the cycle can we really take the opportunity to look at these things from a level point of view, without it being skewed by the intense bond and whatever the current drama.

Regards her behaviour around the time you were due to move closer together, I would suggest this was her fear of engulment kicking in, causing her to backtrack through fear of losing herself in the r/s.  It's possible the long distance was what worked well for her and was enough to quell the fear of abandonment, however the two of you becoming closer and making a conscious decision to move the r/s forwards was more than she was able to cope with.  What we must remember is that whatever behaviour we've experienced has been driven by one or more of these fears and these are things that affect a pwBPD a great deal.  So in reality, you needn't have done anything at all.  These coping mechanisms would kick in regardless.  That's the nature of the condition.  So release yourself from the need to know what you did.  It's likely that it was nothing at all other than getting too close to her.  Which is a pattern that will continue for her.  Ask yourself if that works for you in your idea of a happy future.

Love and light x

[Pencil sketch]

Thank you for your reply, I am still overwhelmed by the fact, I have found a group that understand me, and that has had a very positive affect. I can't afford a counsellor, so would appreciate any other ideas, strategies to enable me to look at, and work on myself.
A year ago to the day, and she did the same thing, came back 4 months later, I have to keep reminding myself, she isn't a well person, but the emotions do overwhelm me, one day at s time.

[Harley Quinn]

It's great to hear that you feel safe here to share and know you're understood.  I felt very much the same way when I came across the site.  We are all at different stages in our healing and personal growth so you can be sure of some good thoughts and input from across the spectrum.  

Have you taken a look at the Lessons?  This is a great place to start in understanding where you are at present and what to expect during the detaching and healing process.  Take things one step at a time and be patient with yourself.  It's normal to bounce around in your emotions and is all part of working through these things at your own pace.  I would also encourage you to revisit the article on Surviving a breakup with a BPD partner as often as is helpful, as this was like a yard stick for myself in my progress.  I can clearly identify codependent traits in myself and with this knowledge, I am able to be more aware of my behaviour and associated emotions.  We are predominantly a membership of caretaker types here, so there can be similarities in some of our self discovery at times.  Having a good read of others' posts can also be really helpful.

Posting here about your thoughts gives you a chance to delve a little deeper and slowly but surely, things do come together.  I'm glad that you see there is an opportunity to look at yourself and your own part in the r/s.  This is a very positive outlook and can allow you to plan for a future that is free of dysfunctional relationships.  You deserve to be in a partnership that is reciprocal and emotionally healthy.  Keep pushing forwards!  

Love and light x