Yesterday was my DD19 bday, and I was fine, until...

[JustYouWait]

... .unitl I opened the "Your Memories" on FaceBook.  See, that's where I have written a birthday wish for my daughter every year since I joined (I think it was 10 times or so, maybe a few less).

As I read them all, I was struck with an overpowering feeling of grief for losses.

The loss of the future I hoped to have as a parent.
The loss of my child's childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood.
The loss of normalcy in any facet of my life.
The loss of the physical presence of my kid, on her birthday, in my home (she's in RT).
The loss of "feeling normal", knowing it'll never be "normal".  Ever.
The loss of freedom for me and my wife.
The loss of worrying about my kid in a surface way, as opposed to the way I do now - fear of actual death.
The loss of not having to discuss it with everyone who knows, and bless them for asking, but s**t, sometimes I just want to *pretend* everything is all right.

So, I cried a bit and then managed to stay away from getting totally blasted (as was my previous way), and we managed to go ahead and watch some football, cook some food, and read a book.

I made it.

It sucked.

Today is a different day.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Yepanotherone]

I have been where you are and you have detailed so eloquently, how myself and my husband have felt not too long ago and we dip in and out of each one every now and again still. Every single one of them . Add to that , not just the fear and sadness but the resentment and anger . It does get better and more manageable , that I can promise you . We have some normality back right now , I don’t know how long it will last but by god , I’m enjoying it !
Who knows , we might be right back into the pits of despair next week , but I’m happy with my lot right now .
Hang on in there... .justyouwait... .your time will come again  

[Huat]

I echo what both of you have to say.  Although I write with bravado most of the time, that feeling can evaporate when I let my guard down and then I feel the sadness when I look at our lot-in-life... .then I get angry.  I had plans for something much different... .as with the rest on this forum.  We are parents... .not robots. 

In our bedroom there are two family portraits.  One is of my husband and I with our young, young children.  The other is of my husband and I with our young, young grandchildren... .our only 2 grandchildren who are now 25/27 and to whom we were surrogate parents because of the drama that surrounds their mother, our daughter.  I've documented our circumstances in previous posts so will just sum it up now by saying we have no contact at this point with our daughter nor our grandchildren.  We are in our mid/late 70's and all the more reason to glean as much joy out of life as possible.

So, back to the portraits.  I used to look at them and weep and considered taking them down and tucking them away.  That was until I started to focus on them and remember the joy we had with those little ones.  We loved them and I know they loved us.  Those are legitimate smiles on those photos- oh so heart-warming.  Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all... .?  Maybe a bit dramatic to write but true for me.  I now smile when I look at those and other pictures from long ago (some not so long ago).

Once again I will say, we parents are not robots.  Our hearts have been bruised... .but life can be okay... .just different.  We are still parents and still have the job of role-modelling for our troubled children... .heads held high as we continue deal with whatever comes our way.

Group ((HUG))!   

Huat

[1hope]

JYW,
I can relate to all of your feelings too... .from fear to anger to worry. 
I think all of us just want things to be "normal" for a bit.  I can totally relate to wishing people who know would just NOT ask about my daughter sometimes.  I look at family photos and wonder what happened... .
But each day we get up and try again... .push forward... .

You are not alone... .hang in there! 
1hope