Cant do right for doing wrong

[muttley]

Hi,
I am struggling! My wife has BPD and I suppose I realise now, has for all of our relationship (10+ years). I read the symptoms and she ticks every box. She knows and excepts the diagnosis (3 years ago). Currently she has had no treatment. She had some therapy 2years ago for depression but that was after a complete mental breakdown and for a limited time. She is now waiting for DBT but we have no idea how long that will take.
My struggle is with the conflict. I am finding I am reacting when she has a go at me. It has been happening for to long. I know it says to be 'Calm' and 'listen to them and not react.' but when it has happened for so long its so so so hard! Its natural to defned yourself. There is no logic with what she says and there is nothing I can say because she just rages at what ever I say. So I started not saying anything as I could not do right for saying wrong. But that just angered her more because she felt I was giving her the 'silent treatment' but to be honest I just was too exhausted to talk and felt there was no reason to because she would just fly off the handle at the slightest thing. I am getting to the point I want to leave, but I have 2 kids that are my life and I can not leave them, it would destroy me, also I could not leave them with my wife because I don't feel she is mentally stable enough.
Please help, I don't know what I am looking for. MAybe just to vent. But I feel mentally and emotionally exhausted.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi muttley,



It can be hard to use the tools, but it is key to keep at it. In a way it is like an experiment, you keep trying and see what might work. I felt like I had been using the tools pretty well and seeing some nice results, but I remember one day something really bothered me and I just couldn't. I was not so nice back towards my partner and it was hard to stop myself. I could see I was making a mistake, but I didn't care in that moment. But, within a short period of time I could get myself back to a better place mentally and help mend the situation that I had a part of. So, what I am saying is that, especially if you have kids, you are connected to this person so whether you are together or not the tools here could be of great benefit to you - they are worth learning, and relearning and practicing with.

How do you feel about using validation as a tool, or at least not being invalidating? Is that a tool you have experience working with?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[muttley]

HI PearlSW,
Thank you for replying. I have to be honest it brought me to tears. Even though I have family and friends around me. They don't understand and they just say 'why don't you say... .' 'does she not see... .' Its so nice to talk to someone that 'Knows.'
So can you fill me in on Validation?
Thanks
Muttley

[Enabler]

Even though I have family and friends around me. They don't understand and they just say 'why don't you say... .' 'does she not see... .' Its so nice to talk to someone that 'Knows.'

Muttley, this is one of the enduring and loneliest things about being a partner of someone with BPD or Traits of BPD, when you explain it to other people, their advice is based on the interactions with a rational thinking rather than emotionally controlled individual. The responses they suggest would likely provoke a rational response in a non-sufferer and end the conflict. Unfortunately we do not live in this world and it's very hard for people to look at your wife and see anything other than a perfectly functioning individual. Even their interactions with her may not signal an issue because she is not emotionally attached to them in the same way as she is to you... .they don't matter, she wears a mask for them. Accepting this will go a long way to helping you not react and depersonalizing the situation, do not look to others to validate your own sense of concern about your situation... .others will not see it and it will further invalidate what you know to be true.

My advice is to reinforce your own reality with islands of evidence based facts. This is your armor against any attacks, verbal insults and degradation. "I know that to be false because XYZ evidenced by XYZ". Your shield is your empathy for her as a sufferer of BPD... ."I will take your assaults in the knowledge that I care for you and understand that you are trying to attack me because of the disorder, not because you hate me." Finally your sword is validation, there are plenty of lessons on validation on the right hand side of this page, it's tough and involves a lot of listening, thinking then speaking with precision.

There's lots of understanding people here and we look forward to helping you with any concerns you have. Almost all the people on the board still have issues to deal with so any experience and advice you have could well be helpful for others.

[pearlsw]

Hey muttley,

It's been a few days... .how are you doing? It can be pretty overwhelming when we crash land here and start to piece this all together!   There are lots of us here who can relate to your experiences - feeling like no one else in our regular lives get this stuff. But we're here and we do! And we're working to learn and improve things!

Have you seen the Workshops on this page yet? (1.10,1.11,1.12)  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

There are three lessons that specifically deal with Validation - a great tool that can you with speaking to your partner in a way that recognizes their feelings/emotions whether or not you agree with they are saying exactly.

Do you think validation is something you could try? I am still working on this myself... .it is not automatic, it does take some practice.  In time, you can share specific conversations here when you remember them and we can work together to see if we can help improve the communication. I'm no expert, but I do love to learn and improve communication!

wishing you peace, pearlsw.