Called him a Nazi pig

[SweetCharlotte]

After a few years, I'm back on this site with a case of burnout. My H with uBPD and I have been together over eight years. We have a long-distance marriage, and no children together (my two are from before; he has none).

I am finding it harder to listen to his endless monologues and tirades on the phone or FaceTime. If I reveal any sign of inattention, he paints me black. If my adolescent daughter gets testy with him—a recent example was her blaming him for our TV malfunctioning—he refuses all contact for days for my failure to control her behavior. I had asked her to apologize, but she refused.

When he goes no contact with me, he drops me from Find My Friends, unfriends me on Facebook (embarrassing because I have many professional contacts among my friends), and leaves family sharing on iTunes and Amazon. Then when he is ready to resume contact, we have to reconnect all these disconnects. I am getting tired of the routine happening over and over.

So last night when he showed the unmistakable signs of going no contact again, I lost patience and decided to give him something to be upset about. I texted him "You are a Nazi pig." The Nazis scapegoated the Jews, had an endless capacity for persecution, and cared only about themselves. His ex-wife is from Germany, and he refers to her as "the Nazi," so I thought this made a nice twist too.

Since he was already dis-regulating and looking to blame it on someone (he had been complaining all day about a female co-worker who was picking on him), this suited the aims of his illness perfectly. He then went into total dis-regulation, dis-connected from me in every way, and missed work today. He is already over his limit of sick days/holidays, and every absence puts his job in danger and docks his pay (he has six-figure debt, but refuses to declare bankruptcy).

It is clear that I am not exactly "feeling the empathy." I'm fed up with his childishness and the effects on my daughter and me. Recently I was demoted at work, though my job is still secure, and I feel that the constant relationship conflict played a part in my failure. He had invited us to stay with him over the holidays. Now that is in jeopardy, of course. He seems to want me to crawl and beg for forgiveness. His last texts were to the effect that I must address my abusive behavior and "fix it." I'm not sure what he means by this. I already apologized on the phone and via text for calling him a "Nazi pig."

He may be insisting that I see a therapist again. I haven't been to a T for myself in over two years. I had reached an impasse with my former T (dx of "adjustment disorder", and would have to find a new one, and I don't have the energy to look for or start over with a new one. I have been drinking more than I should—3 or 4 drinks each night. Meanwhile, he has not seen a T in decades, doesn't trust them, and declares that nothing at all is wrong with him, he is just an abused husband.

I know that on this board one is supposed to be receptive to working at things. I'm lacking energy to put advice into practice, but would welcome any reactions anyway.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SweetCharlotte]

A quick update is that he had me on the phone for an hour driving home again and again what an abusive spouse I am and how I need to change. He reminded me that when we were kids, I tortured insects for "scientific purposes." So the Nazi is me. He asked repeatedly why I had called him a Nazi pig. When I told him that I was sorry (for the zillionth time) and that I was feeling hurt at the time, he wanted to know what he possibly could have said or done to hurt me (because he is perfect; I am the bully). I knew that it would be a mistake to articulate this (classic JADE), but he wouldn't let me off the hook. He demanded to know. When I told him what he had been doing that made me feel hurt, he of course leapt all over it, calling me a liar. Finally, I said I needed to use the bathroom (disengage with love was my goal), and the phone went click. UGH! At least we are halfway over this rough spot. I still need some sort of energy boost to recover my patience and empathy.

[SweetCharlotte]

I had my ringer off, but apparently he phoned me in the wee hours. That probably means that he started to dis-regulate again, and has missed a second day of work. He is in a profession where this is not tolerated. I am afraid he is going to lose his job, and he knows it. He would never be able to find another job that pays as well, and he would have to default on his debt repayments. He would do all this just to spite me for having called him a Nazi pig.

I'm beginning to think that the relationship is bad for both of us. He cannot cope with the irritation to his ego, and I constantly feel that my financial and other forms of wellbeing are threatened.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry that you are feeling so much stress right now. It sounds like your H is also experiencing work related stress. Have you ever tried to validate what he is feeling (not necessarily what he is saying?

By provoking him to dysregulate, what were you hoping would happen? What steps can you take to stay in Wisemind so you do not become emotionally unstable.

[SweetCharlotte]

Yes, T-Heart, I have learned about validating and I normally do it.

I got tired of everything being so one-sided. No validation for me; everything I feel is wrong. Yet he gets to disconnect and go "no contact" for a week over something my daughter said to him. I am punished with no contact because of things my 14yo daughter says, which are not even that bad. She said he messed up our Apple TV. I could not get her to apologize. So no contact. This was at the end of a holiday weekend during which I had cooked amazing meals for him.

So I could sense he was beginning to dis-regulate. He was kind of asking permission to miss work. He is in trouble at work already. When I questioned his need to miss work, he started to disconnect and go no contact. That is when I let him have it with the "Nazi pig" text. He wound up missing two days of work instead of one. The anxiety over this is my punishment.