How Do You Navigate Through the FOG

[Strugglingthroo]

This board is really helping me learn a lot about BPD. One of the things that really resonated with me was ready about FOG. I am definitely right in the middle of it!  It seems like it alternates amongst the 3 depending on the circumstances. I guess that’s normal?  I’m normally a very confident person and make decisions easily, even if they’re difficult. However, with my BPD wife, I find that my mind tells me what I need to do but then the FOG creeps in and paralyzes me. I’ve never been in a situation where I know what I need to do yet out of fear, obligation and guilt I won’t do it. It looks like others are struggling with this as well. I just wondered if anyone had any success stories of how they worked through it. I’m seeing a therapist now since my anxiety I’ve had building for years has turned into depression. I think the depression is playing a role in my inability to think clearly as well. It’s hard to do what you know is right for you when you’re depressed and completely beat down. Also wondering how codependency plays into this. I feel like I have taken on the role of caretaker and it’s almost to the point where I feel like that is my job and it’s my obligation to do it. She was just officially diagnosed about 4 months ago but we have been married over 20 years. Looking back now it certainly connects all the dots with this diagnosis. It’s just so strange how it slowly beats you down and you don’t even realize it’s happening. Then one day you wake up and you’re a shell of the person you used to be.

Sorry for the rambling. Thanks for the vent!  Any ideas on navigating through the fog would be appreciated. Thanks.

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[yeeter]

Hi struggling.    

Some thoughts.  First, give yourself a pat on the back to get this far.  Education, discover, and learning will be key pieces of your path forward.  But armed with knowledge, you will be stronger and better equipped to deal with things going forward.

Most importantly this means knowledge about yourself.  Your own mental state.  Health/strength.  I sounds like you are aware that you are slipping in the wrong direction.  So critical to everything is, "put your own lifevest on first".  Before you can do anything for anyone else, you have to get yourself is a healthy stable state.

The usual great advice is all here.  Pull on your friends and support network.  Spend time with people that GIVE you energy not drain it.  Get your hobbies and some activities for yourself back in place.

We all feel a sense of responsibility and obligation to our partners.  That is a good thing.  And what vows and being a decent person is all about.  At the same time, we have a higher priority and obligation to protect, preserve, and nurture OURSELF.  It is not one or the other (and BPD types are masters at making it all one sided). 

This is where the detachment comes in.  You have to build your own confidence in where to draw the line, and what is reasonable.  And you will need affirmation of that via your support network.  (it is pretty hard to self affirm with confidence, which is the whole point of the support network).  So share your thoughts with your close friends as a check.  And a therapist.

The problem will be that 99.9% of the population has never really experienced anything like what you are going through with this relationship.  So they wont full understand the dynamics.  That can take a while to overcome so be careful - if your support network starts doubting your portrayal of reality (since some things are pretty unbelievable), take a pause.  You need the support.  And nothing wrong with them trying to assess reality (since we all have blind spots and part of the support role is to call us on our own crap).  But unless you have been in the relationship, the behavior and dynamics arent believable.

How to break through the FOG.  My own experience broken down:

Guilt:  I just said screw that I no longer feel guilty.  About anything.  This relationship took so much of me that its a matter of fundamental survival.  And I will not apologize, nor feel guilty, about survival.  And I know I am still a decent person.  So just take that one off the table. 

Fear:  Play out whatever it is that is causing the fear, in detail, in your mind.  First identify it.  Then ask 'why' 5 times (root cause analysis).  Of course part of the fear is that they are going to blow up or be angry at you and cause you pain and hurt.  But that is certain to happen anyway.  For one reason or another.  So let go of the urge to modify your own behavior to get the outcome from someone else.  The only person you control is yourself.  If you can detach from the other person, and try to look at it almost as a third party, it might look different and more clear.

Obligation:  This one is the hardest for me.  I have an obligation to be a decent person.  To my marriage.  To my children.  To my boss.  To my family.  To my inlaws.  To society.  To the community.  Etc etc etc... .you get the picture.  If you let it, there are more obligations that you can possibly fulfill.  So you do have a draw a line, which only YOU get to choose where to draw.  And that line can go up and down depending on how much you are capable of in any one time period.  Capable of giving in a way that retains your own health.  T's are pretty good at helping sort this type of thing out.  My experience, this one goes back and forth up and down based on circumstances and phases (what I have available to offer/give changes, and some of that is influenced by taking time and energy for my own self care).

So back to priority 1 - take care of your self first.

Sorry a long rambling response, I am on a key board this morning so more verbose.

 

[Panda39]

Know that your needs are just as valuable as someone elses, and that sometimes those needs supersede those of someone else.  You are not a bad person or a selfish person for getting your needs met.

Panda39

[Strugglingthroo]

Thank you all for your replies. Your exactly right. I totally understand it and it makes perfect sense, I’m just struggling to get there. Which just really frustrates me!:). Appreciate the support. It’s so helpful knowing I’m not the only one in the world feeling like this.

[Panda39]

Also wondering how codependency plays into this. I feel like I have taken on the role of caretaker and it’s almost to the point where I feel like that is my job and it’s my obligation to do it.

Just thought I'd share the following workshop... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.msg1098422#msg1098422


Take Care,
Panda39

[Strugglingthroo]

Panda39?

Wow. Thank you for that link. Very enlightening. I’d never heard of enmeshment but I think I’m definitely there. I think I’ve been approaching this as she needs to get “fixed” when after reading this I think it’s me that needs to get “fixed”. Will definitely discuss this with my therapist. Thank you again for the information. I’ve got so much to learn about all of this.

[Panda39]

Glad the information was helpful.

You're looking at a Panda who was married to an Alcoholic for 20 years... .codependency is not a stranger to me either.

A good book on the topic... .

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
by Melody Beattie

Take Care,   
Panda39