Broken heart

[Holsw]

My husband and i have been together for 10 years and it has been a constant roller coaster. He can make me feel so completley loved one moment and then so completely hated a despised the next. He is a wonderful, very intelligent and loving man 75% of the time. But the other 25% is so horrible that it is beginning to completely erase all the good. When he was younger i didn’t recognize the BPD, the splitting and the cycles. I just thought he was an angry drunk. He drinks alot and i aleays chalked it up to that but it became more snd more evident that drinking is just a cover for the deeper underlying issue. I never could have imagined how cruel someone could be. He takes the intimate things i have shared with him during the good times and throws them back in hurtful and twisted ways to try and hurt me at the deepest level. He defintely exibits splitting characterists without a doubt. He gets annoyed and angry with me over the slightest thing and unless i just shutup and take his hurtful words with no retort it will only blow up into a full out emotionally abusive barrage of insults. If i try to stand up for myself in anyway or even just try to say please stoo he will just become more angry and manipulative. I just have to take the abuse and walk away otherwise it will only get worse. I know that i have been codependant in this relationship becuase i want to be happy and i am always forcing myself to move past the hurt and start fresh but it is getting harder and harder and harder.

I love him so much and he takes advantage of that and says i am weak. It is so hard because these horrible episodes come in cycles and while he may snap at me here and there for the most part in between times are wonderful and loving. He is constantly building me up to just crush me and break my heart again oversnd over. It is literally a cycle! He says the meanest absolute soul crushing things to me. Literally has called me a b hundreds of times, a c, worthless, pathetic, he insults my family and puts down my christian faith. He not only tries to manipulate me but he seriously manipulates himself as well. He convinces himself that i am some awful dispisable person in order to justify the cruel things he says to me. In so many ways he has ruined my life because although i am tough and know what he says is not true, i know my self esteem has definitely been affected after all these years. When i cry and tell him he is breaking my heart it just fuels his anger more. He feeds off of it and just gets even more cruel. He mocks my crying in a crazy high pitched voice. When he is rational he admits that he has no love for me at all when he is like that. It is not normal. I get mad and frutersted at him too but at the same time i still have a constant love for him  underneath it all. With him it is not like that. He genuinly hates me in those moments and it takes him hours if not days to come back around. This leaves me so hurt and alone, suffering from a broken heart for days.

I have researchd BPD extensively and know beyond a doubt that this is what he has and has most likely had it his entire life. He has 7 of the 10 identifying traits and his parents say he was an extremly difficult child, he has been mean to them since he was a child. When he is rational or coming down he admits that he thinks he has this too and promises to go get help and proper diagnosis. Instead he goes to the doctor and isn’t honest and doesn’t open up to what is really going on because he is embarrassed. He has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and adhd. He has been prescribed anti anxiety med and aderol. The adderol does nothing to help him at all and he just abuses it and uses it as speed. He mixes both with alcohol and takes more than he is supposed to therefore even if the stuff would have helped in the first place they never will because he never gets a balanced month. He always runs out of pills two-three weeks in and then goes days without any at all. They just make him all out of whack and even worse.

I am at the end of my rope and i need some help! I know i really just need to leave because i have given him way too many chances but i love him so very much and i cannot see how i could live without him. We are both 32 yrs old and feeling so helpless and like we cant move forward. Its high time he get some real help and i feel like he won’t because he doesn’t care that he is hurting me and because i have put up with it for so long.

Please let me know if you have stuggled long and hard as well? Let me know what i can do if anything to convince him to go seek help once and for all. I know i have been an enabler by always brushing under the rug and constantly trying to start fresh like everything is fine but i am permenetly damnaged from all the hurt. I have tried going to codependency focus geoups for help but all anyone ever tells me to do is leave him. I just love him and don’t want to give up. He is getting to the point now where he resents me because i am hurt and damaged.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Hi,

first off, there is always hope.

What is important in my mind, is for me to be my own person, my own griends, my own life.  In this way, i can vent w my closest people, i have a support network, and my life isnt all about him.

I am learning this after a 10 yr relationship, we separated 3-4-17, and have been thru alot of spaces since then, currently he is dating, i am not, and we are both in couples counseling.  Ig it wasnt for this board, my friends and family that love me, i would be a much bigger mess.  Its truly one day at a time.

Some days it is impossible.  Some days it is ok. 

bless you.

j

[pearlsw]

Hi Holsw,

I can definitely relate to some of the harsh treatment you describe. I have dealt with some very extreme treatment this year, and most of the years I've been with my partner which has taken my life to some pretty dark and unexpected places. I have also found that by totally readjusting my attitude about things I have seen quite a bit of improvement in my situation. I strongly encourage you to spend a lot of time here reading, making sense of things, looking at yourself first, and learning to make gradual adjustments in your own behavior and feelings. All of this can go a long way towards at least not making things worse, and can possibly make things better.

You are not alone in this and many of us here have been working and working to make such adjustments. In my case a lot of it was about giving up the idea that I can communicate well and he can't. Period. While in a sense that helped me hold onto some sense of reality in all this confusion, there are better ways to hold onto reality that don't involve propping up my own ego - and making him always wrong. If you really take the time to read up on validation you can learn to "hear" your partner's feelings and find preferable ways to respond - and that is what a lot of this is about. It's not easy, but I choose to embrace this as a chance to improve my communication skills rather than resent/hate him over it. In my case that helps... .and it is a lot of such adjustments that ultimately add up and have made me daily life much better. I am struggling with other issues - my own feelings and crisis situations, but in many other areas I have seen progress. I hope you will too!

wishing you the best, pearlsw.

p.s. scroll down and you will see 3 lessons on validation here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0 Is validation something you have tried yet? Does this concept interest you?