need support and advice

[bethelight]

My boyfriend of 3yrs has BPD. It's hard because he doesn't know it. His parents actually are the ones that went to a therapist and got a diagnosis, but he has no idea. He thinks he just has depression, but everything that he describes and his actions say he has BPD, and my therapist of a year, agrees that he has BPD.

We are currently in a stressful financial place, and it has sent him into a tailspin. We were getting better. He hasn't threatened to "end the relationship" in some round about way in over a year. Today, he literally just stopped talking to me. I've gone about my day, but I do wonder will this ever end? I love him to death, but the back and forth in thoughts is so tough. If he says one thing, and I repeat it back (in a non annoying way), he totally switches his thoughts, and I have no idea what to do. He couldn't even make up his mind what to eat last night, and I kept making suggestions, and he just couldn't make up his mind.

I have set boundaries. I told him today, I can't keep having discussions about this not working. We have been together 3yrs, we live together, and yes we are going through a challenge, but I can't feel like we are against each other. We are in this together, and it should feel that way. I'm trying to take responsibility with our finances, but putting on the blame on me is not fair. He then shut down and completely stopped speaking to me today.

He has literally spent the last 4 days doing NOTHING. He just lays on the couch looking at Facebook and Instagram, while I'm hustling trying to make my business grow, and make money. I don't know what to do. And feel like if I say anything, he will place the blame on me, and tell me to go away, and that this isn't working. I feel like I'm talking to a child.

I have no where to turn, because this is not something that I want to share with any friends because I don't want them to see him differently. He only treats me this way, and his parents. Everyone else he is his best self with. It's awful for me. But, on the flip side, when things are good, they are really good. I just don't know how to get out of this crisis. Help please

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi bethelight,

On its own depression is a lot to deal with and with these additional BPD traits that is a lot - for both of you. One of the key things that helped me when I first found this site was to completely reorient my way of thinking about it. The more we look at ourselves, understand our motives for being involved, and figuring out how to handle the situation the better things can become - but it takes time, concentration and focus. We have to become the best selves we can possibly be to at least not make matters worse.

Have you seen this workshop on how to support your BPD partner? https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=106134.0

Is he taking medicine for the depression? Is he open to the idea of self-care/treatment?

Are there others here who can related to having a partner with a dual diagnosis?

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[Radcliff]

Hello bethelight, I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation, but am glad you've found us.  It can be especially difficult if our partner is different with everyone else but us.  It can feel terribly isolating.  You are not alone.  There are many people who share your experience.  Knowledge is power.  You can learn more about BPD and how to cope.  It's tough going -- there are no easy answers -- but knowing what you are dealing with gives you a huge leg up.  Using the tolls you can learn here can make a big difference in your life.  Take a look at the resources on the right sidebar.  I also don't think there's a substitute for grabbing a book to get oriented.  The classic is "Stop Walking on Eggshells."  There is also, "I Hate You Don't Leave Me," and "Loving Someone With BPD."  All are good.  I started with "I Hate You Don't Leave Me."  But the classic is Eggshells, so that's a good one to start with.

This is a community.  In addition to reading and learning, I'd encourage you to keep posting, and also to read the posts of others and reply to them.  Get to know some of the other members, and follow their posts.  Together we are much stronger than when we are alone and isolated.

WW