It's Christmas

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm looking for others to relate to, but struggling with the short term gf/bf issues as I am coming out of an almost 20 year marriage with a BPD who refuses to revisit any of our issues and simply prefers to shut it all down.
I think ultimately I will be relieved and definitely have moments when the freedom is so close... .But as a daily struggle for clarity and to be heard, its like I cannot really accept that he has a personality disorder and I keep trying to reason with him!
I know that is insane, but we have been together so long and under the struggle for acceptance and communication is my own sadness at letting go, and the loss.
He and I were together as children, just friends but off and on more than. Then we went our separate ways and when he showed up again in my life it was really like falling into an old friend. A safety net. Trouble was that as soon as the relationship took hold my own validation issues fit into his BPD like a puzzle piece.
Though I was constantly giving up my own needs for his, it was serving my own needs as my mother was BPD and I resentfully did chores and cleaning to win her approval (all of which she has no concept of, and denies) but I just recreated the same patter, becoming more and more lost and lonely as he took more and more from me, never giving in return. For many years  I was the perfect wife for him, I just allowed, gave up, gave in, shut down, and self harmed with depressive issues as he kept telling me that I was what was wrong and that I was ungrateful.

So now we have separated. He threw me out of our house and has everything, including my 16 yr old daughter. I am living in a rental apartment scrambling to figure out the next step but we have already both called attorneys.
It was very ugly for a long time, as 1 year and a 1/2 ago I ended up having an affair. I wont justify why it happened. I can say however that neglecting your own needs and trying to to fill EVERY one of your BPD partner's ultimately comes at a huge cost. At the time (s) it was the path of least resistance, as he was going to get his way no matter what I said. To avoid the manipulations (which infuriated me despite the fact that I doubt he was even aware!)and the wearing me down I would just agree to whatever he wanted.

After all this time he has decided that he knows "what I am" and wants nothing to do with me. We've been playing I hate you dont leave me for 16 months and a couple of weeks ago he flipped again and is wanting  to divorce me yesterday.

You'd think I would give up already! But I do have genuine feelings of regret and remorse, as well as sadness for us as a family. We live in an isolated area where everyone knows each other, and of course he has told anyone who would listen what a lying whore I am and now he's playing Victim Single Dad despite the fact that I was the one tossed and have been pushed and pulled ever since... .He put huge efforts into parental alienation and it was very successful for a long time. I am slowly spending better quality time with my daughter who is running to his defense. Of course at this point its like 2 16 yr old girls living together, take out every night and we don't need HER... .Merry Christmas.

[forwardtime]

I'm looking for others to relate to, but struggling with the short term gf/bf issues as I am coming out of an almost 20 year marriage with a BPD who refuses to revisit any of our issues and simply prefers to shut it all down.
I think ultimately I will be relieved and definitely have moments when the freedom is so close... .But as a daily struggle for clarity and to be heard, its like I cannot really accept that he has a personality disorder and I keep trying to reason with him!
I know that is insane, but we have been together so long and under the struggle for acceptance and communication is my own sadness at letting go, and the loss.
He and I were together as children, just friends but off and on more than. Then we went our separate ways and when he showed up again in my life it was really like falling into an old friend. A safety net. Trouble was that as soon as the relationship took hold my own validation issues fit into his BPD like a puzzle piece.
Though I was constantly giving up my own needs for his, it was serving my own needs as my mother was BPD and I resentfully did chores and cleaning to win her approval (all of which she has no concept of, and denies) but I just recreated the same patter, becoming more and more lost and lonely as he took more and more from me, never giving in return. For many years  I was the perfect wife for him, I just allowed, gave up, gave in, shut down, and self harmed with depressive issues as he kept telling me that I was what was wrong and that I was ungrateful.

So now we have separated. He threw me out of our house and has everything, including my 16 yr old daughter. I am living in a rental apartment scrambling to figure out the next step but we have already both called attorneys.
It was very ugly for a long time, as 1 year and a 1/2 ago I ended up having an affair. I wont justify why it happened. I can say however that neglecting your own needs and trying to to fill EVERY one of your BPD partner's ultimately comes at a huge cost. At the time (s) it was the path of least resistance, as he was going to get his way no matter what I said. To avoid the manipulations (which infuriated me despite the fact that I doubt he was even aware!)and the wearing me down I would just agree to whatever he wanted.

After all this time he has decided that he knows "what I am" and wants nothing to do with me. We've been playing I hate you dont leave me for 16 months and a couple of weeks ago he flipped again and is wanting  to divorce me yesterday.

You'd think I would give up already! But I do have genuine feelings of regret and remorse, as well as sadness for us as a family. We live in an isolated area where everyone knows each other, and of course he has told anyone who would listen what a lying whore I am and now he's playing Victim Single Dad despite the fact that I was the one tossed and have been pushed and pulled ever since... .He put huge efforts into parental alienation and it was very successful for a long time. I am slowly spending better quality time with my daughter who is running to his defense. Of course at this point its like 2 16 yr old girls living together, take out every night and we don't need HER... .Merry Christmas.

[Harley Quinn]

  What you're going through is so tough. Are you taking good care of yourself? It can be hard to keep going when things are so difficult, but keep going you must.  It must be awful for you to see how things are with them but try to remain steady and consistent. Your daughter may well come to value that and the truth has a way of working it's way to the surface. Give things time and don't be hard on yourself. You've done the best you could in the marriage. Now it sounds like you have an opportunity to take this space to begin rebuilding yourself, which will help you however things go.   So be kind to yourself right now and stay strong.

Love and light x

[Bo123]

Counseling for you is the 1st thing that comes to my mind.  You had childhood BPD experiences, married a BPD, you had an affair(which will be used against you).  This is so complex and long lasting, you need someone to direct you through this.  It's sad and xmas, a bad mix.  Now the attorney's, your daughter.  This is a good place to vent but goes so deep that professional help is the way to go.  Best of luck and it wont change much, hope you do find a way to have a merry xmas or find some peace.

[Zen606]

Its Christmas . . not a good mix with relationship issues. i agree with Bo, work on you. And work with an attorney, they can be a buffer for you in that it would limit the amount of communication with the ex. As a woman with a BP trait mom and a bp trait male ex, I cannot tell you how important it has been for me to work on myself. My heart is closed to romantic involvements for the time being and am concentrating on me, me, me. Selfish? not in the least because what those with BPD or traits appear to need is, you, suck out as much as they can you. So please do concentrate on you, get a good therapist and a support system around you, and stay here in the forum with us, read all of the literature. We are here for you.
Zen606