needing some guidence

[Tenderrhart]

Hi everyone,
I'm new at learning about my wife's BPD but right now my biggest hurdle is trying to handle her anger and not take it personal, any advice? It is tearing us apart. My friends don't really understand BC they don't understand the illusion. I feel very alone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Tenderrhart. Learning about BPD and how to cope with it in our partner is a journey with many steps and discoveries, so congratulations on taking the first one. I first came to the board last October after first hearing of BPD and of all the tools and support I have sought since then, it has without a doubt been the best. Can you share more about your situation?

In the meantime, I can take you through some of the steps I've gone through. It's definitely a learning curve when it comes to handling BPD, but if you approach it with optimism and hope, it can lead to changes in your life and in yourself you never expected.

1) Understand dysregulation - people with BPD can't regulate their emotions like we do, and the pain forces them to project it on others, which often takes the form of emotional abuse. Once your wife enters this state, she is not thinking rationally and is unlikely to respond to rational engagement. It's important to learn how to distinguish when she is dysregulating and try not to take things she says personally.  

2) Validate, don't JADE - this is not a trick or tactic for BPD, but principles of basic human interaction. Even when our partner is dysregulating, we need to learn how to not invalidate their feelings by JADEing (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). You should definitely check out the Skills section of this board for more info on this and other skills.
 
3) Set boundaries - If your partner crosses a value line during one of her rages (uses physical violente, emotional abuse), you have to let them know this won't stand. It may mean leaving the room or taking a break from the conversation until they calm down. Boundary setting is a hugely important part of the growth process for both of you.

4) Self-care - This is at the foundation of everything above. You can't go into a conflict if you are weak from lack of self compassion. See this incredibly helpful video for more on this. https://youtu.be/IvtZBUSplr4

I hope this is a good start. It takes time to understand and digest all these concepts, but it bears fruit. Hang in there!

[Tenderrhart]

Thank you. I will definitely look into all these resources. I need all the help I can get.

[pearlsw]

Hi Tenderrhart and RolandofEid,

How nice to see members supporting each other like this - that's what this place is about at it's best! RolandofEid, your reply here is so thoughtful and helpful and such a great reminder - I really needed to see this today! I am impressed by your efforts to not only internalize this stuff, but turn around and "reteach" it to others! Super effort!

Tenderrhart, can you tell us more about the dynamic with your wife? The more we know perhaps the more ideas we'll have to help out on this issue - and it not only helps you, but all of us here when we have specific examples to talk over together!

In my case, I have to listen to when my husband's anger is justified and is truly something that needs to be addressed versus when he is talking in such a horrible way that I can't engage with it. It is a real skill to listen past the mean words and find the core of the emotion being expressed. For example, the other day I could recognize that what my husband was really saying to me was "I'm scared and overwhelmed and I need some help!" instead of how it was actually putting it. In that instance I tried to hear the real issue at stake and deal with it because it did need a fast response, but situations vary.

Okay, well good... .love to see members active and engaging here! Let's keep it up! 

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[RolandOfEld]

Thank you, pearlsw, I wouldn't be where I am now, far from a perfect place but far better than when I first came to the board, without your support.

Tenderrhart there is hope even when things seem beyond hopeless, I know I've already said that but I can't stress it enough. My wife and I are not a success case yet, and I don't know where things between us will finally go, but at the end of the day I have myself to rely on. I've moved past all the guilt and remorse and self criticism and am finally on my own side, if that makes sense. I suggest before you focus on healing your relationship, you focus on healing yourself.   

[RolandOfEld]

Hi Tenderrhart, I am in the middle (or hopefully near the end of) a rage right now and thought I would share with you how I am coping, both for your reference and to clarify it for myself.

Two nights ago, after a long period of calm and happiness, my wife went into a sudden and huge rage when I told her I said good morning in the elevator to a downstairs neighbor we've had some conflict with. The neighbor had frequently complained to us that our young children running around was too noisy, so I had apologized and bought them a little gift while my wife bought some mats to dampen the sound of the running. I had told my wife that the neighbor ignored my good morning, implying he was still angry.

I was quite shocked by her sudden rage, and tried to understand but I did do a little JADEing. She demanded that I tell her how I would solve the problem, but I thought the neighbor was just being a jerk, so I said I wouldn't do anything. This made it a billion times worse and the rage elevated to "f#ck you and f#ck your mother" (my mother is dead, so this is the worst thing she has in her arsenal).

Once it reached that point, I knew it was bad. First, I put my kids in front of a cartoon in the other room and went back to try and talk to my wife. When I saw she would continue saying hurtful things, I went in the bathroom to calm down and take care of the pain she caused with that sentence. This is self care.

A little more back and forth with no resolution.

The next morning she tried to skip out on the kids (she's stay at home right now), leaving me unable to go to work. I told her she could not endanger my job and if she did that and didn't get back in time for me to go, I would call our counselor or her sister and tell them what was happening. This is boundary setting, since I used to let her get away with this and put my job at risk. She came back in time for me to get to work.    

She tried to attack me with profanity again the following night in front of our son, so I told her we needed to take it to the living room. She didn't come, so I went by myself. I took care of myself and let myself cry and gave myself understanding rather than pitied or criticized myself, and the more I did this the more clearly I was able to see her pain point below the histrionics. I had been insensitive and unhelpful in many respects regarding the neighbor, and she was right to be upset about that part, even if her reaction was overblown.

I messaged her this morning and finally validated her feelings about my attitude. Some more back and forth with her spewing anger and me finding the kernel of truth beneath it and responding to that, not the ridiculous accusations. I think of this approach as "whittling down", trying to shave down the rage bit by bit to get to the raw feeling beneath it and soothe. I now sense she has calmed down or is the process of doing so, I hope.

I find it helpful to lose the idea of "BPD" sometimes and just try to think of her as a normal person at a farther end of the sensitivity spectrum than I am. I think BPD is made out of a genetically sensitive temperament + invaliding childhood environment, which to some degree we must all have. The feelings of being invalidated by the pwBPD (person with BPD) are as real as ours, just magnified 1000x. If we can reach those feelings, see our own fault if we have it, and validate them, then we can often bring them back to baseline.

Hope this helps. I'm no expert but this is what I'm going on right now.

[RolandOfEld]

It worked, so to summarize:

1) When rage begins, avoid JADE at all cost
2) Self-care and set boundaries to gain space to understand her feeling
3) Validate her feeling (this might take numerous attempts)