My BPD bf is having a mid life crisis, or a BPD episode

[Depression = 72% of members]

Yes J, i see that becoming my own person is a good thing.  When i met my BPD so 10 years ago, i was swept off my feet.  No one ever loved me like he did.  I guess that year long honeymoon covered for a lot, because it impressed me beyond almost every other reality that was present.  We have been through so much, good and bad.  We have a lot of diverse history.
Am trying to not burden him with my recovery.

We are both in recovery, and its about integrity, honesty, responsibility and accountability, trust.

Thank you for your support everyone!  j

[juju2]

Yes J, i see that becoming my own person is a good thing.  When i met my BPD so 10 years ago, i was swept off my feet.  No one ever loved me like he did.  I guess that year long honeymoon covered for a lot, because it impressed me beyond almost every other reality that was present.  We have been through so much, good and bad.  We have a lot of diverse history.
Am trying to not burden him with my recovery.

We are both in recovery, and its about integrity, honesty, responsibility and accountability, trust.

Thank you for your support everyone!  j

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

Hi,

Reponding to J,

am not sure if he is aware of how much suffering i am going thru... .i am happy, cheerful, not clingy, not asking questions, etc.  So i think am putting on a good show.  I am dressing a lot better w my new job, and also lost 45lbs.  people say they dont recognize me.  Men are looking at me again, am wearing my contacts, not glasses, doing my hair.


He keeps saying that im not like i was before.he is complimentary, and last weekend i saw possessiveness.him of me.  He always sat next to me, even at a big table of people... .oh yeah, and he wanted to stay an extra day in l.v., even though it cost him days wages.   The was an extra day w me.! so i see positives that no one sees.

Thank you for listening.j

[juju2]

We just went for hot chocolate, as the T requested, it went ok

He did work it in that,  he hopes to be friends... .

i told him maybe i could talk about stuff at the T.

My pwBPD is intent on making that msg.

Oh well.  In case i think there is hope.

He also said he doesnt want to string me along,  he also said he doesnt know what the future holds... .

So that encompasses everything doesnt it!

Blessing friends, j

[JoeBPD81]

And how are you feeling with all that?

Tell us about other things you have going on in your life.

Your situation is hard to figure out for me as I see your pwBPD as myself 4 years ago. I knew then how much I was making my ex suffer (even if I could blame her for my leaving), and it was unbearable. I couldn't do anything to make up my mind faster. I thought: the longer I keep this, if we get back together, the more she is going to resent me later.

Probably your case has nothing to do with mine, but as I only have had one experience with that, I relate everything to it. So take what I say with a grain of salt.

My experience didn't show me any shortcut through grief, but it did show me that a pain that seems endless, it too does pass.

[juju2]

J, it just shows me someone else reality.

I too think he is confused, the extra day alone, closeness, he came over to my house as late as he could wed nite 10:30pm    (to see me) and i already told him that i wouldnt be home... .he picked up our dog that was being watched at my house for the trip.
All these extra things could mean something
.or not.  Its trying to make a long prediction out of short bites... .

I have a good lige 2 adult happy children, one married, i have a great job... .thank you for your kindness,  j

[Meili]

Try not to make any predictions, because your pwBPD is right, none of us know the future. Staying in the present will help you keep sane.

These relationships aren't repaired quickly or easily, but they can be repaired. It takes time and consistency.

Yano what? Right now, today, he may just want to be friends. Tomorrow he may never want to see you ever again. The next day, he may be ready to be friends or a lifetime committed partner. It can be a roller coaster if you allow it. The trick is to stop allowing it.

[juju2]

Hi Melli,
How does someone stop the roller coaster... .?

I am setting up boundaries, the only time we should be seeing eachother is for coffee at a neutral place.  According to our T. He isnt supposed to come over to my house, even if he has a good excuse, like picking up the dog.  We could meet at the park to give back the dog.  I just finally said, cant watch the dog anymore,  its too hard on me... .

I still have hope.
Tomorrow is counseling, 3rd visit... .

Thank you for strength and wisdom, j

[juju2]

If someone could give me strength wisdom for the 3rd appt.

My T says he is just using me, cause i have a ton of his stuff in my house and backyard, we have had this stuff for over 10 years, moved it all twice.

I dont think he is that calculating.i really dont know anything.
j

[JoeBPD81]

j,

you know him better than anyone. He might think , and adknowledge that it is selfish to keep his stuff there, but that thinking about it is too much to handle right now. Your T is the same that sees both of you?

That's a bold judgement by the T.

If I tell my story, some one could say "she is using you to keep a roof over her kids heads, and giving you the minimum affection so you don't kick them out". Those thoughts can bring us really down. I wouldn't go that way, unless you need to.

When conflicted people can do things out of character.

When someone is suffering from a break up, people often say things to make us think about the person that left in a negative way, so we get over it faster. I don't know when that works. If ever.

[Meili]

Getting off the roller coaster is dependent on what is keeping you on it.

Many of us get stuck in specific thought patterns that keep us enmeshed with our partners. It get off the roller coaster, we need to detach with love. This does not mean that we need to completely detach and leave our partners. It just means that we need to separate ourselves while we still love them. The typical thought processes that people get stuck in are outlined in an article that we have for those trying to completely detach (as distinguished from detaching with love). Those Ten Beliefs that Keep Us Stuck can be found here.

Once we begin to understand our behaviors, we can start to make the changes necessary to help things along.

What is keeping you stuck and from detaching with love?

As for your T's comments. She may or may not be right about what is going on in this moment in time. He may be hurt and angry and just using you right now. It only matters if you allow it to matter though. His choices and actions are separate and apart from yours. What he feels at this moment is also distinct from how you feel. One should not control the other.

If his stuff being there bothers you, then have him move it or move it for him and then let it be his problem. If it doesn't bother you, then what does his motivation at this moment matter? Things are what they are at present, but may be different in the future.

What choices are you going to make?

[juju2]

Yes, the T sees both of us.

I am going to try thinking about him only 15 min a day.

This can be an opportunity for me as well.

He is /was a lot of my life, good, bad, in between.

Somehow he took up alot of my life... .

Maybe i could just enjoy this freedom... .?

its a radical idea, am just trying it on.

Thank you, j

[Meili]

Enjoying the freedom is an excellent idea! In fact, it's one of the things that will help you a great deal no matter how things evolve. Focusing on yourself and things that you like to do helps more than most people realize. Good for you!

[JoeBPD81]

I've been depressed for a week, and angry about all the ways my Gf pushes me away. Today she's talking to me, at least, and I love her to pieces.

And if I could, I would take a couple of months of hollydays from the relationship, drama free, just to do nothing, just not to be vigilant, and fixing crisis everyday.

If I knew she could provide for herself and the kids, I'd be OK with periods of break up.

I don't want freedom to see other women, or even my friends, who I don't see much. But just to be drama-free for some days. So yeah, enjoy your freedom, nothing bad can come from that.

[juju2]

You guys are very supportive.

Last nite was our 3rd T session, he forgot, it was really my error, we had talked about going next week instead.  I thought he knew we had this visit also.

My T has settled down a bit, she seems more reasonable, she seems onboard with not adding her considetable opinions, and she knows ALot about BPD, there are 2 in her family.  But i believe they are as different as anyone can be... .thank you, j

[Meili]

That's what these boards are all about J, helping and supporting one another. Perhaps as you learn more, you can help others understand. Until then, just letting others know that they are not alone can help both you and them. 

[juju2]

Miracles happen!

So tonite, my pwBPD asked me to go to a christmas park w him friday nite, its a 

two hour walk thru a neighborhood.  anyway, this   to me is a miracle.  We are going to spend time together and this is wonderful.

I cant tell you what this means to me.  He is also sharing his life with me again.

 Blessings,  j

[JoeBPD81]

So glad to see you happy!   

I hope everything goes well.

[Meili]

Stay positive and follow his lead. Be bright and shiny. Don't start any relationship talk, if he wants to talk about it, then let him bring it up.

[juju2]

Yes, wonderful!

He just lost his job, the old me would give money, to help him...


... i was told by another friend to stop doing everything i used to do

[Meili]

It probably is a good idea to not rescue him.

[JoeBPD81]

Sorry about that.

As Meili says, probably a good idea. Many times, not only it doesn't help, but it makes things worse. Since my Gf and her kids depend on me, I'm more often than not, treated as her enemy. It is sad and backwards, but it is what it is.

Stay strong!

[juju2]

Morning

what about giving our dog( that he kept) a present.

Am guessing that is rescuing.  Was going
  to get him a month supply of dog food... .

pwBPD has already said a couple of times that he doesnt have very much people food, this going on since oct. when he lost his job the first time...

thank you

Blessings, j

[juju2]

Hi friends,

Tonite I go w my pwBPD for a walk in the Christmas neighborhood, its a 2 mile walk, and am really getting centered.  I feel as though my life is opening, and I for once, do not know.  I know so few things, and for the first time in a long time, its okay!

blessings,  j

[juju2]

So last nite went great, it was like a first date.
He was kind and caring.  We went for two and a half hours, when i wished him merry christmas and happy new year, he said we will see eachother before then.  Maybe counseling is working, maybe i really dont know what is going on... .  he is sharing his life again w me... .  thank you all for listening,  j

[juju2]

Thank you everyone for your support.
it means a lot, and I appreciate each person here,  for their strength and courage,

Blessings, j

[juju2]

If anyone has insight, it feels like we may be getting closer.
he told me he lost his job tuesday, has no money for christmas presents... .

He is starting to share his life w me a little. He says now he doesnt know how to pay his rent, jan 1.  All of this was after the walk.  Oh, and he tore a tendon in his lower lt leg 2 months ago,it really looks like he is having a bad time.I wanted to rescue, but am in a low space financially, and am also not doing what I used to do.dont know still what is going on.  This time we were physical, he and I kissed and hugged for a very long time.    I still dont ask questions, feel like that would be for when we are in counseling... ,     thank you all, j

[juju2]

Blessings, joy, peace , hope be yours today.

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE

dear friends!

Thank you for all of your kindness and listening, support.  Sincerely, j

[juju2]

pwBPD just texted me that he hopes i am having a wonderful Christmas.  This is our first Christmas apart in ten years... .

what could i reply that would be truthful.

this part i dont get.  It sounds like he is having a wonderful Christmas... .oh well.

j

[juju2]

Sorry i keep posting... .
so ended up not texting him on Christmas, he did give me a very nice card, when i saw him friday nite... .didnt open it til christmas eve.  It was a beautiful card, he said didnt know what to write, just said hope you have a wonderful christmas.
We wished eachother Merry Cristmas on friday nite... .
guess all of this is going along, maybe will get a bit of clarity. 

am concerned about his comments that he cant afford his rent next month.  I know economic stress is very hard, and he just lost his job a wk ago.

thanks, j

[juju2]

Sorry i keep posting... .
so ended up not texting him on Christmas, he did give me a very nice card, when i saw him friday nite... .didnt open it til christmas eve.  It was a beautiful card, he said didnt know what to write, just said hope you have a wonderful christmas.
We wished eachother Merry Cristmas on friday nite... .
guess all of this is going along, maybe will get a bit of clarity.

am concerned about his comments that he cant afford his rent next month.  I know economic stress is very hard, and he just lost his job a wk ago.

thanks, j