Looking for Help Coping with Loss of Difficult Sibling

[LeeRuth33]

Hello all,

This is my first time posting here, though I've been a quiet observer of this site over the years. I'm looking for support following the death of my brother, who I long suspected suffered from BPD, though he never received an "official" diagnosis. I really don’t know where to turn so I thought I’d start here.

My relationship with my brother (who I'll call "J" has been difficult since childhood. I could write a book about it, so I'll try my best to summarize it here.

J had all the BPD hallmarks, plus depression, anxiety, substance use issues and suicidal thoughts. He refused any therapeutic treatment, aside from seeing psychiatrists who gave him drug cocktails but no behavioral therapy. He went through several psychiatrists, I suspect because he was abusing benzodiazepines. I should also mention that my parents-- in particular my father, who he was very close to--refused to fully acknowledge J's problems. Despite all the evidence, my father simply could not accept the fact that his son suffered from major mental health and addiction issues.

Seeing J’s condition deteriorate over the years, I made several attempts at staging interventions, but I could never get my parents fully on board. My relationship with J worsened over the years, due to his violent outbursts, pathological lying and generally abusive behavior. Well into our 30s, I decided that I had had enough and cut off communication with him.

My parents found him dead in his childhood bedroom 3 months ago. I had not spoken to him in nearly a year. At the time of his death he was no longer working, he was totally socially isolated, abusing drugs, and my parents were supporting him. While we don’t believe he set out to kill himself, he died with a whole host of drugs in his system, including fentanyl and benzodiazepines, some of which he had not been prescribed.

I can’t count the number of times I said that it would not end well for J if he did not get help. At the same time, I always held out hope that he would someday turn a corner, and the good parts of him would prevail. Unfortunately that did not happen. It was like watching a suicide in slow motion

I have found it very difficult to find support following losing J. There is a lot out there for parents, but few resources for siblings. Complicating this is the fact that I did not have a good relationship with my brother. To be blunt, he was a monster and I have very few positive memories of him.  Most books and support groups don’t address these complicated facts as part of the grieving process.  Does anyone know of any resources that may help me through all this? I am looking into individual therapy but would also be interested in support groups (aside from this one!) in the NYC area.

Thanks in advance for your help and for reading all this.

[Mustbeabetterway]

LeeRuth33,

I am sorry for your loss.  Even though you were estranged from your brother, the heartache you feel is still there.  And anyone would be experiencing sadness at the loss and lack of closure. 

I lost my oldest brother to alcoholism and drug abuse.  It was heartbreaking.  Although as with you, there was a long, long sad trail of tragedy before my brother's death.  Divorce, jail, drama of all kinds - just heartbreaking.  Now I am estranged from my middle brother for similar reasons.  The holidays are especially difficult. 

I agree with you, there is not much help for siblings experiencing grief from loss of relationship.  I have a lot of guilt and I bet you do as well,  somehow we escaped this tragic mental problem, but still feel the repercussions.

To make matters worse, there are a myriad of cultural messages about being there for your family.  Your family always should have your back, etc.  these are hard to hear and seem especially hurtful to siblings who are just trying to preserve their own peace and sanity.  I have tried to look around at the true circumstances in families and see that while some are healthier than others, each has its own brand of difficulties.  For me, I have worked on my own core values and try to live according to these. 

I definitely get it.  I have attended Alanon over the years which has some helpful support and advice.  Others are going through difficulties with addicted family members.  Also, learning about the stages of grief can help get a handle on what you are going through and what you can expect to feel. 

For me, time has been healing.  Trying to strengthen my bond with healthy friendships has been very supportive.

Again, I am sincerely sorry for your loss.  Be gentle with yourself and work through your grief a little at a time.

Hugs, Mustbeabetterway

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hello again, I should add that even short term individual therapy could be very helpful.  Also, there are a lot of lessons here on this site that can help you understand BPD and how it effects behavior and relationships.  Finally,  Alanon is all over and I would bet that NYC has groups available. 

[LeeRuth33]

Thank you, Mustbeabetterway for these kind and supportive words. It’s somewhat heartening knowing that there are others out there who understand. I’m so sorry that you, too have dealt with a similar tragedy.

You are right that I have felt guilt about the situation—that I didn’t do enough, that I gave up too easily and that I have managed to handle the cruelties of life in a more healthy way than my brother did. It just seems so unfair.

The cultural messages are one of the things that I find most frustrating. Many people have glossed over the fact that I may be deeply hurting and instead speak to me about my parent’s grief, as if I don’t have any because J and were estranged. It’s not something I expected to encounter, though I suspect it’s a way for people to avoid addressing a difficult topic.

I will take your advice and look into Alanon in my area, and continue to surround myself with supportive friends. I know that time will make things easier and that the wound will become a scar.  Thank you again for taking the time reach out, and best wishes for a health new year.