My BPD bf is having a mid life crisis, or a BPD episode

[juju2]

Hi,

Thank you, am sad that i really didnt get tools til late.  Afraid too late... .

So many times i was mean during the 10 yrs, in response to his disease.

I wouldn't have been angry w him if he had diabetes.  Bless you all, j

Just finished reading posts from 2014, fm S########, and those posts are devastating from the aspect of working out a relationship w pwBPD.

So much of what was in those posts mimics what i have had for 10 years.  they were together 3.

I dont know who i have been living with.

Its confusing to me.  J

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Enabler]

Thank you.

It's funny how the UK government make a big noise about mental illness yet all they really publicise is how men should chivvie each other along and look out for each other when they're down, maybe have a serious chat about emotions every now again... .any talk of serious PDs... .naaaa.

Was talking to my sister on Christmas Day night after a few bottles of red and she started to open up about some of her friends who have issues. There was quite a variety of problems ranging from someone who was so convinced from years of projection that she was the problem in the marriage (despite her husband having endless affairs and one night stands) that she went to a T and psychiatrist. It was only after she was given the all clear and told "it's not your fault he sleeps with other women" that she could finally let go of the unwarranted guilt she was carrying around. Her abusive mother had taught her that it was always her fault leading her to attempt suicide earlier in the year. Sadly by this point she'd left her home and her children believing she was the problem!

I guess what I'm saying is that mental illness is in the most unexpected places, the masks that people wear deceive people into thinking all is fine. Projection makes others feel that they are the problem and therefore it becomes a real jumbled mess. Once I was blind to the patttrn of somewhat predictable behaviours and outcomes. I don't talk to my friends about my W anymore as they can't comprehend the nuances of the chaos, but every now and again someone will offer up an peek into the chaos that they live in, in the hope that someone can empathise. A few questions, an agreeing grin, a "does she do this?" And we can be an oasis to people who believe they are all alone in the southern ocean.

It's a precious skill to be used decerningly

[gotbushels]

It's funny how the UK government make a big noise about mental illness yet all they really publicise is how men should chivvie each other along ... .

Yes, it can be quite sad when the government doesn't seem to be more active with looking after the mental wellbeing on the population. In my area the government doesn't seem to do much either.

... .It was only after she was given the all clear and told "it's not your fault he sleeps with other women" that she could finally let go of the unwarranted guilt she was carrying around. ... .Sadly by this point she'd left her home and her children believing she was the problem!

Yes, sometimes it's only when someone tells us the idea that someone's actions aren't our responsibility that we can accept some things and move forward. It seems like she has been through some very serious issues--it's good that she has a T to support her through this.

And we can be an oasis to people who believe they are all alone in the southern ocean.

Yes, sometimes it really helps to be there with people, so that others feel they aren't alone. It is a precious skill and a gift--to be used with care. 

[SunandMoon]

It's confusing to most of us, Juju!

I know you have a long relationship and your partner is aware of his BPD but things don't seem good between you right now. He is dating other women, he hasn't spent Christmas with you and he has said he 'hopes for friendship with you' for the future.

Your couples therapist has said she thinks he is using you because of all the things you are storing for him (which seems a bit unethical for a couples therapist to say but perhaps she wanted to warn you?)

Add to this his unexpected date night last Friday, at the end of which he told you he couldn't afford to pay his rent... .I'd be very wary.

I hope he is 'just' having a BPD cycle but I also hope you are finding ways to take care of you.

[DaddyBear77]

Hi  juju2 

I saw you posted this question at the end of your last thread a few days ago - I was wondering if you had replied and if so, what did you say?

[juju2]

Hi,

the next day, i just texted back, thank you.

He did give me a beautiful christmas card, when we went to the Christmas village... .it was about hope.  I thought that was interesting, because i have been questioning in my private time, if him and i have hope.  You know, we have spent a lot of time together in december.  way more than oct. or nov.  He is being open with me, he said since losing his job two weeks ago-all of a sudden, that caused him to have no money for presents and he isnt sure how to pay his rent... .  i was just listening to him and being compassionate... .(.he never had these issues when we were living together)  (i couldnt help thinking)
He will celebrate 19 years in his recovery program in 12 days... .

Oh, and last week, he texted me that he has an almost new moen kitchen fawcett he wants to install for me... (in the house we shared, where i still live, we have this cheap plastic one)).he is doing odd jobs, now, and he must have gotten this fawcett from one of his jobs... .
Am just trying to stay positive... .thank you all for listening. j

[formflier]

juju2,

I just took the time to read through some of your threads and I have some "big picture" impressions to go along with some things we have shared via PM.

"Creating space" in a long term relationship is obviously causing anxiety.  No shock there.  Very natural to worry about what the future will look like.  :)on't try to "fix" the anxiety, but I think it is important to "acknowledge" it and perhaps consider some strategies to experience the anxiety without it becoming unhealthy.

A phrase I like is "wind the clock", especially when it comes to making decisions.  So, perhaps a decision on your part that you will only meet outside the home for the next month and then will evaluate if YOU want more closeness.

"Hey babe, I appreciate the offers to come over and fix things.  It means a lot to me.  It's best for me to stick with our counselors recommendation for the next month.  Perhaps we could add an extra coffee date each week. "

Do you see how you are communicating you want more closeness, but more of a go slow approach?

"Winding the clock" would also apply to figuring out what something means.  What he says, doesn't say... .etc etc.  Give it time.  Focus more on what he "says" consistently over time, than any one time thing.

I would not in any way offer to "fix" or "rescue" or any of that... .him from his financial situation.  At most I would offer to buy his coffee during your dates.

Should he ask directly for money:

1.  Clarify exactly what he is asking for.
2.  Let him know you will "give it some thought"
3.  Post here about it.
4.  If he demands an immediate answer, then say no.

Are you seeing the counselor or a counselor on an individual basis?  I would hope that you have a T that can help you sort out what you need/want from life, apart from this relationship.  

Mods:  juju2 and I have PM'ed some.  

FF