I am still turning back, but I must go away

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,
I am the most horrible person in the world, who plays with men's emotions and hearts. I am a manipulative liar, total looser. That's why nobody likes me, why people leave me. I always argue on stupid things and behave like a little child. I am a parasite. I am lusty woman who abuses men for her sexual needs. As__ole, f___ing bi_ch, who will come to hell. I never ever loved him. If I look into mirror, I will see the evil sins in my face. He hates me forever and never ever forgives me what I did with him... .

I am not ready to share my complete story... .but I will be glad, if you can talk to me... .

He loves me now again. So much. He will love only me always and forever. He was only angry. I forced him to say that.

This is our more than 50th break up. In 90% it was he, who left the horrible person and another day he came back. But I always manipulate things, so it was always only me, who left him.

I must move on. I miss him horribly now... .You are all NC with your Ex... Is it necessary to be NC, if I want to move on?

I respect him somehow and I dont want to throw him away like a trash. That's why I would like to keep some little contact. Is this possible with them?

[Madly]

Hello,
I am the most horrible person in the world, who plays with men's emotions and hearts. I am a manipulative liar, total looser. That's why nobody likes me, why people leave me. I always argue on stupid things and behave like a little child. I am a parasite. I am lusty woman who abuses men for her sexual needs. As__ole, f___ing bi_ch, who will come to hell. I never ever loved him. If I look into mirror, I will see the evil sins in my face. He hates me forever and never ever forgives me what I did with him... .

I am not ready to share my complete story... .but I will be glad, if you can talk to me... .

He loves me now again. So much. He will love only me always and forever. He was only angry. I forced him to say that.

This is our more than 50th break up. In 90% it was he, who left the horrible person and another day he came back. But I always manipulate things, so it was always only me, who left him.

I must move on. I miss him horribly now... .You are all NC with your Ex... Is it necessary to be NC, if I want to move on?

I respect him somehow and I dont want to throw him away like a trash. That's why I would like to keep some little contact. Is this possible with them?

[Ragnarok4]

i want to acknowledge you for stepping up and being accountable for your actions. That takes tremendous strength and humility.

I hope you continue to open yourself up here to further receive help and growth.

If there is any room for closure, I highly suggest you please give it to him. That's what is mostly missed in moving forward in these situations. Its been almost a year with NC and i still miss my ex but I wish we could've sat down to reconcile and have closure. I hope you consider that and then afterwards, make it clear that there should be NC if anyone is to move forward.

Having some sort of contact will probably give him false hope that you will get back together so I don't think thats a good idea.

Please keep us posted.

[SlyQQ]

Ragnok might have misunderstood seem like you have pretty much convinced yourself , it sounds 90% the right thing , there is always goin to be some good its the carrot they dangle , all you have to do is realize you its not worth it and you cant have the good without the bad.

[Madly]

Thank you very much for your support, Ragnarok and SlyQQ.
It seemed like a closure today. I phone called with him. It seemed fine.
I was helping him with one project, so we agreed that we will finish it today. I sent him a draft and he wanted a phone call for discussing related questions... .
TRAP. He started to cry and beg for relationship. He will suicide, if I dont love him again... .

So now he is probably suiciding. He is a compulsive liar and he already made several fake suicidal attempts for me. Sending messages "from hospital", but it was all fake.

But I am helpless now... .

[Ragnarok4]

Thank you very much for your support, Ragnarok and SlyQQ.
It seemed like a closure today. I phone called with him. It seemed fine.
I was helping him with one project, so we agreed that we will finish it today. I sent him a draft and he wanted a phone call for discussing related questions... .
TRAP. He started to cry and beg for relationship. He will suicide, if I dont love him again... .

So now he is probably suiciding. He is a compulsive liar and he already made several fake suicidal attempts for me. Sending messages "from hospital", but it was all fake.

But I am helpless now... .

OK so you pretty much set yourself up for that by helping him out on a project AFTER you provided closure.

He's trying to maintain control of you so don't fall for it. If he's really making those claims and you truly believe it, you should call 911 so he can be baker acted. That's not something to play around with and puts you in a dangerous position.
Ask yourself this and be honest, is that the kind of person you really want to spend the rest of your life with? Someone that wants to control you and your thoughts?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Madly,

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you.  Sorry to hear that you're ex continues to affect you emotionally to this degree.  My exBPDbf made numerous attempts on his life before, during our r/s, and afterwards.  When we were NC for about a month, paramedics called my home because of another crisis he was having, and it's fairly likely he had left me as his next of kin so that I'd hear this and know.  It is very hard to see/hear of someone you care about in such a state and I know exactly what kind of an emotional toll it can take.  Please try to remember that his actions are not your responsibility.  If he contacts you saying he is feeling suicidal, simply encourage him to call a crisis line and say you are now going to call emergency services.  These people are trained professionals who know how to help someone who is feeling this way, and you are not.  So even if you were together, that would be the best course of action.  Using this threat to convince you to take him back is below the belt and I feel for you.  I was emotionally blackmailed and was in a constant state of anxiety at the time.  Please take good care of yourself.

Here is a link to our Safety First document, which gives further information on how to deal with suicidal ideation and may be helpful to read.  

Let us know how you are doing and if anything has progressed since your last conversation.  We are here to support you.

Love and light x      

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Madly, Welcome!  My suggestion: don't beat yourself up.  I am unsure who told you all those things but I doubt that you are a horrible person, total looser, F'ing witch, etc.  Try to be kind to yourself.  Put yourself first, I suggest.  We are here for support as you go through what sounds like a particularly stressful situation.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim