uncovering the thought that my sibling has BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Looking for explanations as to why many irrational things are happening over the last few years in a very strained relationship with my sibling, whom I would describe as a High Conflict Person. I came across this message board, and this is my first post. I am interested to see how I can deal with this situation.  I am afraid to confront her directly because of the "walking on eggshells" effect, but I have reached the point where I am now very hurt as she is defaming me with others in the family.

[jellyjam19]

Looking for explanations as to why many irrational things are happening over the last few years in a very strained relationship with my sibling, whom I would describe as a High Conflict Person. I came across this message board, and this is my first post. I am interested to see how I can deal with this situation.  I am afraid to confront her directly because of the "walking on eggshells" effect, but I have reached the point where I am now very hurt as she is defaming me with others in the family.

[zachira]

I have two BPD siblings that regularly defame me with the family. My parents had siblings who were wonderful kind people that my parents constantly defamed, so it runs in the family. My heart goes out to you, as I know that all this is very painful, and you would like to have a close normal relationship with your sibling. What I have learned after watching the scapegoating defamation dynamic is: The best people will like you for who you are, and not appreciate hearing bad things about you. Other people who have borderline characteristics themselves, those who can only see things as either black or white in the moment, will likely believe the bad things they hear about you, as a way to bolster their fragile self esteem and there is nothing you do about that. The challenge is to continue to be the best person you can, and to not get drawn into their toxic dynamic of projected negative feelings about themselves onto others. Surround yourself with the right people, and limit your contact with those who will never see you in a positive light. As far as your sibling goes, turn away when you are being abused, as they do not have any perspective on their bad behavior ever, and you will always be blamed. When your sibling is treating you well, enjoy the moment, and realize it will not last.

[Radcliff]

Hello jellyjam19,

I am sorry to hear of your difficulty with your sister, but am glad that you have found us.  bpdfamily is a tremendous resource for coping with and improving relationships with people with BPD.  I came here for support with my relationship with my wife, but am coming to realize that my sister may have many BPD traits.  I understand how sibling issues can cause turmoil and pain for decades.

You mentioned "walking on eggshells."  Have you read the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells?"  Chapter 11 is on "distortion campaigns," and may speak to some of what you are experiencing.  If you haven't read it, I'd encourage you to pick it up.  It will help validate what you've been feeling has been wrong, and give you some strategies to try to improve your interactions with your sister.  Speaking of that, there are some great resources on this board.  Take a look at the top banner, and click on "Tools."

One potentially helpful resource is this page on Surviving Confrontation and Disrespect

When dealing with a person with BPD, you can get a lot of bang for the buck out of understanding and validating their feelings.  You shouldn't validate untrue things, but validating their feelings can be a powerful way to get them to be less reactive.  To learn more about validation, take a look at this excellent page on how to validate and avoid being invalidating.

One of my favorite tools, the one I got the quickest results from in my relationship with my wife, was to learn to avoid
JADE.

One trait that people with BPD can also bring to family interactions is running right through everyone's boundaries.  Family members may become so fatigued in dealing with this that they forget what boundaries even are.  You haven't said anything about this, so disregard if it's not an issue for you.  To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries, this thread on scripts for setting boundaries, and this thread on boundary setting examples.

I would encourage you to spend some time with us, read and reply to the posts of others, and become a regular visitor to the boards.  It takes time and support to absorb all the information, to practice it in real life, to succeed and fail, and to try again.  You can definitely make improvements!

WW