I have the exact same thing. I am always looking for the other shoe to drop. And then if something does go wrong, I go 'see, see, I knew it'. While it's just a part of life that things / people are unpredictabe.
Can you elaborate on the 'comfy' please Sunflower ? You made me think saying that. (I hope you don't mind Chillamom. No intention of hijacking your thread!)
Well, I’m not sure which examples to bring up because this happens to me constantly. I am currently in a relationship with a man who so far, appears to be pretty darn properly adjusted in all aspects. (We have been dating two months. He happens to be a trained counselor, so his responses to me never seem to burden me which leaves me able to sort through my stuff quite easily as I am left with myself often vs having to sort through what he laid on me in terms of his stiff.)
So for example... .
I notice I have a fear response when he looks adoringly at me. It makes me very uncomfortable. I can trace this feeling back to where it started as I feel/sense “emotional flashbacks” to when I was younger and mom did not allow me to be happy. She would be enraged and a beating or such would follow if I would have fun. I quickly learned to not have fun in front of her or not get found out. I will sometimes think that I need to prepare myself to “fight” him or withdraw because in my cells, I am sensing danger is approaching.
Instead, I am allowed to simply notice this, share it with him or not, and he is understanding and doesn’t really do much except remain there with me as I am struggling.
Sometimes I have complained to my T that I can sense within me actually
wanting to have conflict with him. I can actually tell that there is no external reason for me to have conflict but I feel my body inside of me doing backflips just because this man is nothing like what I am accustomed to so sitting there being loved on or adored feels so utterly unfamiliar and even a taboo thing, that I literally feel so so uncomfortable. I feel like I will be in trouble. I just want to hit the button to get the beating started so it can be over with cause waiting for that shoe to drop feels so unbearable that it makes me want to pick a fight with him. Thankfully, he sees what I am doing and he points it out swiftly, never “picks it up” to engage in “my stuff” and he even has a sense of humor about it so I am then left in a position to both see what I am doing, but laughing, so less afraid... .and I can objectively see what is happening in the transaction between us.
Since I brought this up in my sessions, we have done some EMDR around this fear I am having and it has lessened significantly. I am more noticing it now but not feeling the need to act it out much, so I will often just express it gently to him. For example he will express affection towards me and I will simply state out loud that I wonder when I will be able to fully hear/grasp him. He usually smiles and says he will continue saying how he feels anyways.
I am still afraid at times. I was afraid last time we were being intimate and things ended less than satisfactory. I was completely freaked out expecting to get abused again or yelled at or some type of response of him being angry and disappointed in me, etc. I literally felt like I was afraid for my life so this obviously wasn't a fear that was based in the moment. It was more like an emotional flashback. So my behavior was a bit waifish, and victim like as a form of self protection. It took me some time of realizing he was not mad at all to relax myself. But my being felt like it was renacting a past abuse that I could not trace or identify. I imagine it was a situation that happened quite often.
Oh so back to what happens in therapy. I recall telling T that I felt so uncomfy with this man being kind to me. That it left me so unsettled. He talked to me about me not having scripts for this situation. That I would have to sit with my discomfort as I continue to allow different aspects of my self expose my self to him, I would continue to feel very uncomfortable, simply because his way is soo unfamiliar to me that I have no frame of reference for this behavior of his. I have no precreated script for predicting him and responding to this behavior of his that is so loving. It is unfamiliar.
While I was in the discomfort, I could see myself prepping for fights, for harm to me, and I knew exactly what to do next to protect myself. I felt competent. My last very short relationship of a few dates, the man was not abusive to me, yet I saw the potential for him to be. He was showing signs of bullying me in small ways. And well, I felt uber confident with him! I felt so capable, put him in his place fast, deescalated many situations. The guy thanked me for knowing how to handle him well said I worked so well with his issues that he felt we were made for each other. Lol! I was thinking... .man this guy is A LOT of work and I am having to work at this non stop! NOT at all attractive to me, even tho it is for him! Yet, I felt very in my element with this guy and knew I felt competent with managing things. The thing tho is... .I know long term logically... .this is not the way for me to have a sense of accomplishment. And I know to be wary when a relationship feels comfy as I have read that we find our FOO crap comfy... .and this guy looked like he would fit in just fine with FOO.
As I am encountering other ways for a person to respond to me. As I encounter love in a persons response to me... .I am learning other ways. I am learning the scripts on how to exist in a space that is far from abusive. I am learning to let some guards down and be open. This is a process. I am glad my T helps tremendously and that this man is understanding with me.
Idk if I articulated things well... .
Sometimes I can be hyper verbal cause idk where to focus my thoughts.
Am always happy to express stuff... . hoping something is useful.
