Wife with BPD. Not sure what to do...

[Tired_hubby]

Not sure where to start. I've been with my wife for about 5 years. Been married for 3 and have two kids with her (2 1/2 yrs and 4 months).  I was previously married for 13 years w/2 kids from that marriage. She was in a long term (on and off relationship as she describes it) for about equally as long as my marriage. She lost custody of her child due, I think, mainly from her BPT behavior (drinking, partying, stripping, escorting, and frantic self destructive behavior).

Things were great when we first met. She made me feel like I was the most awesome person ever. After about 2 years, she got pregnant, we got married, eventually bought a house and began to create a life together.  Throughout the relationship, she told me several times in passing that she thought she had BPD.  I had no idea what it was and didn't really listen to her... .I would just tell her how much I loved her and how awesome she was.

The things that slowly came out over the years were concerning. I guess the things were not as much of a problem other than the lying about them. So... .what was she lying about? She said she was single, but was in fact still in a relationship with her child's father. When we weren't physically together, she worked as an escort. She was not a US citizen when she told me she was. She moved away from me for 3 or 4 months prior to our engagement... .She worked in a strip club and didn't tell me. Plus she dated other men when she said she was not. She was essentially leading a double life... .I think she was afraid I would reject her if I knew.

She is very worried about me cheating. She brings up my ex constantly... .and thinks she wants to be with me. We haven't been together for 7 years and only talk to exchange the kids. My wife accuses me of looking at other women. I don't. She thinks I text and talk to other women, but my phone is an open book. She has access to it, my messages, email, etc. But according to her... .there are hidden apps to hide this stuff. So... .She can't trust me.

She thinks my family loves my kids from my prior marriage more than ours. If my mom complements my older son, my wife takes it as saying her kids are not as good in my mom's eyes. She has systematically made me isolate myself from all of my family and friends. My family is out to get her. If i go to a baseball game or something with my friends, I'm accused of cheating because she didn't have tabs on me for a few hours. If i don't immediately respond to her texts or calls, she immediately gets paranoid that I'm cheating... .even though it might just be because I don't have my phone on me because it's in another room or I'm caught up with work, etc.

She's negative about everyone she works with. If they tell her she looks nice, they're being condescending to her and actually think she's ugly. If someone says they don't want a slice of pizza because they're watching their weight, my wife thinks they're implying she's fat.

My wife has major body and self esteem issues. Of course, these are all my fault. I dated others before her and was married. I really wanted to be with them. It's only because it didn't work out with them that I settled on her according to my wife.  At one point during the first few months of our relationship when she was very self conscious about the size of her breasts (A cup I think), I mentioned that I was more of an rear end guy and loved her breasts. She always brings this up now several years later... .I obviously want her to have a big rear end and she's not adequate. Anyway... .I'm blamed for all her body and self esteem issues.

She starts fights/arguments at the drop of a hat for the most ridiculous things. I didn't hear her one time when she told me something minor... .I think it was "I got your phone" when we were on our way out the door. Because I didn't hear this statement, we argued for hours ruining a good part of the day.  Always turmoil and fights. She talks about my faults, everything I do or did wrong in my life.  How everyone else does things to piss her off and subtly talks down to her. How stupid everyone is.  How she deserves someone that really loves her and thinks she's attractive.

Jump to a couple nights ago... .She got drunk as soon as she got home. I couldn't stop her from drinking.  She would occasionally disappear throughout the night into another room. Turns out she was emailing, texting, talking and exchanging photos with guys from a "hookup" website looking for sex. She, for all intents and purposes, blamed me for this... .Because obviously I don't love her enough or find her attractive so she had to find that validation from others. Plus she didn't actually have sex with them so it's no big deal.

Crazy tumultuous roller coaster of a marriage and relationship we're in. I know deep down she knows she has BPD because she's told me. I've researched it and have seen all the signs... .I know she has it. After coming away from a ruined Christmas and New Years because of her issues, I'm at my wit's end.

How do I get her to calm down and get some treatment? I love her and am not looking to leave. I understand it's a life long illness and not her fault, but it's so hard to deal with sometimes. It's breaking down my own self esteem, relationships with family and friends, and am concerned it's going to have a negative effect on our kids.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.  Obviously that was only a sampling of the behavior. It's often a daily event. Walking on eggshells is putting it mildly. Anything can set her off.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Hi and welcome!

How do I get her to calm down and get some treatment? I love her and am not looking to leave. I understand it's a life long illness and not her fault, but it's so hard to deal with sometimes. It's breaking down my own self esteem, relationships with family and friends, and am concerned it's going to have a negative effect on our kids.

To be with a BPD person, you need the self-esteem and strength of a god. She is the hurricane, lashing about destroying everything in her path. You need to be the mountain. Unmoved, unaffected, unwavering. You cannot control her, you cannot stop her, but she will get comfort and reassurance knowing that you will always be there strong.

There is a lot of material to read on this site - well worth it. Start with Validation and SET (how to talk with her). And then boundaries. Post a lot. You will learn by posting, and reading, and trying.

[an0ught]

Hi Tired_hubby,

My wife has major body and self esteem issues. Of course, these are all my fault. I dated others before her and was married. I really wanted to be with them. It's only because it didn't work out with them that I settled on her according to my wife.  At one point during the first few months of our relationship when she was very self conscious about the size of her breasts (A cup I think), I mentioned that I was more of an rear end guy and loved her breasts. She always brings this up now several years later... .I obviously want her to have a big rear end and she's not adequate. Anyway... .I'm blamed for all her body and self esteem issues.

Body issues suck big time and are one of the hardest to tackle. Any statement you make will be twisted. Can't tell you how often I was running away yelling because I could not stand dealing with this self destructive behavior  . Validating body issues is really painful as I have to tell her "She believes she is ***" [fill in very negative and extreme terms she is using] and only occasionally can tell her that I think she is beautiful. Who wants to do that? But it works (see for more on S.E.T. as ArleighBurke also recommended). If she can't stop and it goes too much on your nerves be not afraid of leaving the room or the house - boundaries are required here too. Body self image is imho. something for a therapist or maybe even a brain swap. As far as I can tell it can be managed but very hard to overcome. Thankfully improvement in other areas will lead to higher self confidence and self validation capabilities and symptoms can improve.

She is very worried about me cheating. She brings up my ex constantly... .and thinks she wants to be with me. We haven't been together for 7 years and only talk to exchange the kids. My wife accuses me of looking at other women. I don't. She thinks I text and talk to other women, but my phone is an open book. She has access to it, my messages, email, etc. But according to her... .there are hidden apps to hide this stuff. So... .She can't trust me.

she is afraid of loosing you. No amount of transparency will help here. You may submit your phone to a forensic examination - that is just proof that you have hidden a burner phone somewhere else. There is no way to win that game. The working strategy to move forward is actually doing the opposite and having some boundaries around your phone e.g. a PIN she does not know. But right now without some planning, communication and thinking doing so would just lead to an uncontrolled blow-up. First things first... .



there is a lot of material in the LESSONs and the workshops pointed there. Sharing your problems is the first step to feel a little easier. Some can be overcome, some can be managed.

Hang in there  ,

a0