Made some HUGE decisions before I understood his BPD; how to handle the fallout?

[Socks75]

Hey there, so long story short, I met someone a year and a half ago and we started seeing each other. We were close, connected, but the closer I got, the more he would look for problems, accuse me of completely ludacris stuff, and push me away only to pull me back again. The rollercoaster was wild and I ended up in therapy and on anxiety meds.

It was my therapist who suggested I might be dealing with someone with BPD. He has not been diagnosed, but she says he fits 8 of the 9 criteria from my description of him. On some level, he knows he is different from neurotypicals - he is aware of his black and white thinking, he is aware that he splits on me, he is aware that his raging is inappropriate... .but not until a few days after the fact. At one point last fall he pushed me away harder than he ever has, insisted he is not capable of loving anyone, and said he only wanted to be friends. Our sex life was nearly non-existent anyway (it felt like the more attached he got to me, the harder sex was for him) so I figured if it soothed his fears about loving someone losing me, if he felt more secure I wouldn't leave if our title was "friends", I was ok with that. I am newly out of an 18 year marriage, so I am in no rush to settle down again. I like his company, I like who he is as a person, I am glad he is part of my life.

But here is the thing: Last summer, before I had even heard of BPD, he was struggling to find rental accommodation that suited his needs. He smokes weed, he has dogs, he doesn't have a lot of money, he has bad credit, and he has poor rental references from his time before he got clean. He tends to spend most of the winter with very little work because he is a carpenter, and it is COLD up here - not much construction happens during the coldest months. So I came up with this brilliant idea to buy a house and rent it to him. I really do trust him - even without a lot of support he has made some good decisions for himself over the past few years. Plus I'd seen how hard he worked when work was plentiful, so I figured even if he came up shy a couple of months, he would make it up to me. He has borrowed money in the past and always been very good about paying it back. I just wanted to give him a leg up in life.

But that house has been a nightmare, and not because of the financial aspect. It has had a very deep and negative impact on our friendship. He has convinced himself that i am using it to control him. We aren't seeing each other romantically anymore and I have told him to feel free to date whomever he wants, but he is convinced I will kick him out the moment another girl walks through that door. He gets paranoid that I am somehow monitoring him all the time. I was letting him use my Netflix account until he accused me of using it to spy on him (cause it matters to me what he watches?). And every time we have the tiniest conflict he either says "I'm packing my stuff. I'll be out by the end of the week." or "Just tell me to leave. I know you want to." We rarely hang out these days because he doesn't want me in the house - he feels like I am going to judge him for how he lives, or for any tiny mess... .even though he is the same person he was when I initially bought it. And when I am there, he can't relax.

It is not an easy problem to fix. He is slightly behind in rent, but he is working full-time again and will be caught up soon. And I really don't want to ask him to leave - he is SO happy there, he loves it so much. It is a log home on an acreage with lots of privacy. It is really his dream home. He went around with me and the realtor when I was looking and he fell in love instantly. But it is driving such a huge wedge between us and I don't know how to deal. He uses it against me all the time - like I was somehow being a manipulative cow by doing something nice for him.

In the past, when I got fed up with him threatening to leave or telling me how much he hated that house and how he knew my generosity was too good to be true,  I would say ":)o whatever makes you happy. Stay if you like, leave if you need to" at which point it he would start to panic and get really mean about how I wanted him to be homeless.

I am trying to manage the situation. I love him like family but I'm pretty sick of the abuse. Even keeping my distance - keeping it to just friends - doesn't seem to make it any better. I am still the person he talks to 10x a day, the person he loves/hates the most, the person he pushes away/can't live without. He has everything I've ever given him on display in his home and he carries little mementos of me everywhere he goes. If I ask him to leave that house it will devastate him because there is a 100% chance he will read it not as me trying to save our friendship, but as me trying to get him out of my life.

I suppose there isn't much I can do to fix the mess I am in, but I am still putting it out there for input anyway. I want to continue to be someone he feels he can rely on, but I want him to stop using the house against me. Not using it against me seems to be the one boundary he really can't respect... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[isilme]

 

BPD is terrible in how we can get so tangled up into another person before we even know that it's there. 

Quick question - how hard would it be to sell the property to another person who will also work with him during lean months and allow him to catch up during seasons where he has more work?  Because he cannot manage a relationship with you as a friend AND as a landlord, and while I think over a period of time using some of the tools here you might be able to improve things, this elephant will always be in the room, and it will keep you tied to each other even IF one of you wants to date someone else.  He will not take any change well at all, but this would disentangle you from each other a bit if possible. 

Barring that, yes, pwBPD tend to focus their range onto the person to whom they connect the most.  It's an emotional disability, and they have to externalize their feelings that they can't manage and push them off onto a "safe" person.  ONe who they fear will abandon them but they think of as part of them so they anger, rage, and everything else can be tossed onto that person and they think it's okay.  They will engage in mental gymnastics to MAKE it okay in their own heads, regardless of whether it's valid.

[Socks75]

Honestly, I agree that is the right way to go, but I think it would be pretty difficult. The rent I am charging him barely covers what it is costing me in mortgage interest to own the place. He also beeaks down completely when I suggest he deal with anyone other than me (my sister; a friend who is a property manager, etc.) I am weirdly comfirtable with his rages - my Dad had a temper - bbut I don't know what to do when he is all broken and desperate and vulnerable like that. He is this hhuge uber masculine guy who leaves the room if a movie makes him tear up, but he falls apart if I suggest I don't want to directly handle that landlord role.

I can insist on it; maybe I will. It would just be so much better if there was a way i could do so without him seeing it as a betrayal.