Neutral contact.

[sweetheart]

So I’ve been thinking a lot since New Year about how to proceed with my ma. I was getting bogged down in ‘not texting first’ 

I realised today that for me it’s about making a contact that feels right for me. So I kept everything safe and neutral and sent a brief text.
 It’s important for me if I’m going to work on feeling better about this enmeshed mess that I had tangled myself back up in again with my family that I keep everything sort of clean and tidy on my part.

She hasn’t responded which is exactly what I expected, but by me texting it’s no longer about resisting doing something, it’s about the actionfeeling right for me, not the response. There was no FOG with sending the text, whereas doing nothing was keeping me shrouded in FOG.

I’m sure there’s a more succinct way of saying what I just wrote, but this is still a work in progress for me... .

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Sweetheart,

Sometimes for me I have to separate the FOG from FO obligation. That has been a huge driver in the reasons why I do certain things, or why I listen to conversations that pull me in to the enmeshment of triangulation. It's hard, isn't it? As I've worked on not responding due to obligation, it has helped me a lot. There is freedom in knowing we can make choices. It become empowering, step by step.

 
Wools

[Greg]

Congrats on setting some boundaries!  This is so huge for us raised by BPD "mothers" (they don't do any mothering, really).

If you are LC I have one strong recommendation: make a written list of your improvements, especially confidence + boundaries being set without the BPD being in your life. 

Then, make a written list of the usual bad behaviors from the BPD if you can.  (i.e. abuse patterns, gaslighting, etc.)  It doesn't have to be a long list.

Finally, make a list of the "nice" behaviors BPD is doing now that you are LC.  This is known as charming.  Notice how often they happened before LC (my guess is hardly ever).


My BPD "mother" became an absolute saint ((briefly) when I chose to go LC.  She actually took me out to dinner once and handed me $100 cash (!)  This, from the person who used to go through my backpack while I was sleeping and steal my allowance and lunch money.  This from the person who gave me so little to live on as a child that I literally had to steal constantly to survive and ate bread (and only bread) every single day of high school for lunch.  I could afford nothing else.

The LC honeymoon doesn't last long.  Eventually the BPD will rage from not being able to control and violate us and our boundaries.  That train is never late.  Unless there are absolute legal reasons or extreme necessity involved, I strongly advocate 100% no contact at all times / as much as possible.  My life is 1000x better without that psychopath trying to control me.

Congrats again on setting boundaries and going LC.  Boundaries are the most important thing I've learned since being raised in a BPD home.

-Greg

[sweetheart]

Hello Greg,

Your mum sounds like my husband, who does have BPD. I can't begin to imagine how awful the situations you experienced as a child must have been. It sounds like you have a lot of awareness and some clearly defined boundaries that are protecting you now as an adult.

I don't think my mum has BPD, but she does have some strong narcissistic traits that are evermore evident since my father died six years ago.

My mum was really controlling when we were younger, and me and my siblings were simply extensions of her. We were never our own person. I didn't really know any different until I felt this all consuming urge as a young teenager to rebel against absolutely everything she said and did. My rebellion was very self injurious though, I flunked my exams, developed an eating disorder, was sexually promiscuous and just raged until I fell accidentally as a student nurse into mental health training. It without a doubt saved me from myself and my ongoing family dysfunction.

I managed a very healthy distance from my mother when I got married and had my son, but with the deterioration in my husband's mental health and my father's death, I unconsciously got tangled up again in her toxity and allowed myself to be triangulated, segueing effortlessly in and out of the three roles.

Christmas felt messy, really messy, which was my wake up call.

She responded to my text eventually as though I had not texted at all, asking me all the questions that were information in my original text.  So I said, did you not get my text? Tumbleweed... .

[CollectedChaos]

Good for you!  It's so hard to tease apart all of aspects of contact sometimes.  I am currently NC, and every time that an opportunity presents itself to have contact with mu uBPD mom, I struggle with weighing what I feel I "should" do (what is expected of me, either by my mom or other family) vs what I actually want to do/what is best for me.  It's hard for me to make decisions that are based on what I want - it feels like a foreign concept most of the time.

It's great that you made a decision based on what made you feel good, regardless of the reactions of your BPD.  I think realizing that we are able to make our own choices, free of what others ask of us, and actually acting on those choices is a really big deal.  We grew up thinking we were unable to do just that, so it's very freeing to see the exact opposite in action

[Greg]

Thanks for the kind words.  Yeah, I left BPD home over 10 years ago now and have had seriously in-depth therapy the entire time.  It has made a significant difference.

My therapist told me years ago that BPD and Narcs are usually a good combo.  I think my dad is probably a Narc but I barely knew him.

Have you looked into support groups for Narcissism?  This is a seriously abusive disorder as well, I'm recovering from Narc abuse myself and it is horrendous.  This site and "red flag" series has been an incredible help to me:
www.thriveafterabuse.com/the-red-flags-of-a-narcissist-series-is-here/

>Christmas felt messy, really messy, which was my wake up call.
I recommend taking notes, like actually writing the down on paper.  Having a diary is crucial for this stuff, because our brains literally block out all the abuse, especially from holidays.  It's a natural brain defense mechanism that we cannot control.

I used to dread the holidays with the most intense fear and be triggered like hell.  I hated my birthday for almost my entire life.  Things are different now.  I actually had a super mellow xmas this year doing some hobbies I love.  My bday last year I threw a big party with friends and had a great time.  No contact really has been the only way forward for me.

I think realizing that we are able to make our own choices, free of what others ask of us, and actually acting on those choices is a really big deal.  We grew up thinking we were unable to do just that, so it's very freeing to see the exact opposite in action smiley

Yep! so agree.

-Greg

[Greg]

(woops, double post)