I catch him in white lies and sometimes more serious lies.

[Calmcollected]

Today we were supposed to finish up some things with our business. I messaged him to let him know I slept in. He was supposed to bring a trailer with snow mobiles to his sons house. His 33 year old son hates me and purposely causes fights between us to break us up, he has told multiple people he has done this in the past and is trying now. I believe he is a sociopath. Violent, in trouble with the law.
This morning my boyfriend texts me back and says he doesn’t know when he will make it, as he has his grandsons to babysit. I find out that instead of telling me the truth, he’s going snowmobiling all day with his other son, the one who hates me and his grandsons.
I had messaged him earlier to see how long he was babysitting them. No response. Then I found out the truth. I now realize from these boards that he was scared I would be mad at him and it triggers his abandonment fears. I told him that I would prefer he told me the truth next time, I wasn’t mad he was spending the day with them and I get upset when he doesn’t let me know because I could make plans with my friends instead of wasting my day. I told him I loved him and to be careful as he had been hit by another snowmobile last month and I needed him in one piece.
Is this how I should have handles it?
I catch him in white lies and sometimes more serious lies.

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[Radcliff]

I told him that I would prefer he told me the truth next time, I wasn’t mad he was spending the day with them and I get upset when he doesn’t let me know because I could make plans with my friends instead of wasting my day. I told him I loved him and to be careful as he had been hit by another snowmobile last month and I needed him in one piece.
Is this how I should have handles it?

Loismay, you have some good ideas here, but before I respond, can I ask how he reacted when you said this?

WW

[Calmcollected]

I did it by text. When he was finished spending the day with them he messaged me to let me know he was on his way home and would call me. I called first, he told me what a disappointing day it was. I felt from him relief that I wasn’t angry. He’s used to everyone around him reacting in anger. They all have older machines and 3 out of 5 brokedown. I told him I was sorry because I know deep down, all he wants is to have a healthy functioning family that bonds together.
The next few days have been better. He has shown more affection and opened up to me more about some of the things with his kids that were upsetting him. I tried to remain neutral and supportive. I’ve also worked on my validating him during difficult situations. I mentioned his son that is really bad that tied into our conversation. He got extremely upset saying I hated his son and his kids were bad and he was a terrible father. I recognized the black and white either they are a bad person or a good person. I explained that I see things in grays and he sees things in black or white. I said I didn’t like his sons behaviours but I admire the fact that he is always there for his kids, taking them to all their games, raising his oldest as if he was his own even though he isn’t his biological son. I mentioned his daughter holding down two jobs and being in college and how he did a good job there, that his other two (he has 5) are doing great, but he’s having trouble with his 16 year old. I told him not many men get sole custody of their kids and I know he’s tired and tries his best, but no matter what I was behind him and supported him in dealing with them. His 16 year old is almost 17, been out of school for two years and won’t get a job. They had a blow up today where my boyfriend remained calm and his son flipped out because of the suggestion he get a job or go back to school. I have been buying groceries because money is tight. I stopped two weeks ago and it’s getting low. But I finally realized I’m just enabling his son. Once the food runs out (there’s plenty in the freezer but too lazy to cook) there will be another blow up and his son will have a wake up call. He hasn’t  been treating me very well the past month. There are a lot of external stressors and my boyfriend just wants the conflict to end, which is why I confronted him on the lying, but I understand why he did it. He can’t handle the conflict anymore.

[Radcliff]

Loismay, it sounds like you handled the situation well.  I was thinking that he might get upset by you saying that you were upset not to be notified, but every situation and every pwBPD is different, which is why I asked how it worked in your situation.

It sounds like your boyfriend has a challenging situation with his family, and you're doing a good job validating and supporting him.  You mentioned validation, so it sounds like you've been practicing some of the coping tools.

What have been your most useful places to learn about BPD and coping tools like validation?

What is one behavior or situation that is causing you the most trouble right now that you might like help addressing?

WW

[Calmcollected]

These boards and the website are best! I used jade the other night.
We had paperwork to do for a lawyer, time sensitive. I went out to the house, and he was rushing around, triggered and said we had to make it quick because his daughter (and I suspect BPD too) was coming out with her boyfriend and friends to go snowmobiling. He wanted me out of there because he didn’t want confrontation. I said I could leave the paperwork with him and he could go over it with his daughter. He immediately got angry, threw a dish towel on the ground and implied I said it sarcastically and meanly. I didn’t try to jade, I just said I could see how I may have sounded like that and it was hard on him because he just wants everyone to get along. I apologized because that was not my intention and I could see how easily it could be misinterpreted. We started working on it, she came out, she actually stayed in the house with me while they did some work outside. No words were spoken, but she didn’t take off like she normally does.
I sent him a text after saying “See boo boo. You don’t have to keep us separated all the time. &&?#% and I were alone in the house together and we were fine. The more they get used to it, the easier it gets.”

The problem I do have is other women. He is good looking, quiet and women flock to him. He doesn’t acknowledge my existence. Family and friends and employees know I’m his girlfriend,  but no one else. last year he was in conversations with multiple women, telling them I was his book keeper. He would sometimes meet them for coffee, but never go further than that. I discovered this because I had a really weird feeling one night when he shut off his phone when his youngest son was out and it was late. He went outside to have a beer with his cousin. I did something I have never done before and went through his phone. He was talking to three different women at the same time. He would tell them false things like he had a big house, brag about vehicles he didn’t have etc. I actually became friends with two out of three. The first one said that they were messaging constantly, but as soon as she asked who I was, he stopped all contact. Another said she would push him about me and say she knew we were together and he would deny. The third would send him false information about me trying to break us up. Then in August I received a messsge from a woman that said I was going to break up with him because he wanted to be with her and he didn’t know how to tell me. Instead of talking about it, I went over to his house and broke up with him. Keep in mind, I run the admin of the business, so even though this happened, we were together every day. So, he ran into her arms. This is a small city where everyone knows everyone. I have a good friend who knows this woman and found out that she is a major alcoholic, promiscuous and breaks up marriages. She would sometimes message me all through the night. At the same point he joins a dating site. Three weeks go by with her. She posts a photo of her nieces and his granddaughters at the movies in the middle of it. Meanwhile my friend is in her circle and tells me that she’s telling everyone he is the love of her life, but he won’t sleep with her and can’t figure out why. 5th week we are spending every day and evening together. My friend is in wedding party with her and the woman is going around at the wedding showing everyone his picture and telling them he is her boyfriend. Meanwhile I am at home with him and we’re watching a movie together. Next day she heads to Mexico for dental work to replace her teeth with implants. 6th week we’re at his house and there is a knock at the door. He tells his son to answer it, but he doesn’t because he doesn’t recognize the person, yells from the couch for me to do it and I tell him I’m making supper. He answers and it’s this woman. She had left papers there from her business as a mortgage broker. It’s her birthday and she’s dressed to the nines. I can hear her telling him about the wedding and her dental work, which means they haven’t been in contact for at least 2 weeks. She leaves and I’m crazy upset. He wants to start talking about it and I said not in front of his son. His response is “you’re here and she’s not” I told him I couldn’t stay, leave and start home, but remember I had promised to give his son a ride (his truck was in the shop) so I return to fulfill my promise. That night I get a message from that women asking if I’ll ___ his business if he wants to be with her. One week later she’s in a new relationship.
He stayed on POF for 4 months. Would add the women he met there on Facebook. He finally stopped using the site. Things are much better, but I discovered some things from reading here. 1 I triggered his fear of abandonement when I broke up with him and he ran into crazy’s arms, but I didn’t leave. 2. I believe the admiration he gets from these women gives him a boost to his ego. He tells them a story of a life that doesn’t exist. He was renting a subsidized house when I met him. This past year he was able to purchase a mobile home and Has tripled its value. We’re going to start flipping them in the spring. 3. Last year was extremely stressful running his business and mine plus he and his son were accused of something they did not do on Facebook that was shared 9000 times. I was curt and dismissive and I realize that he was splitting and putting me in the bad person section. I did not have the time or energy to validate. Now that I have, there is a major difference. He also catches himself sometimes when he starts to get mean and will change the direction of the conversation and start to joke. You can actually see it in his face. He’s mindful the majority of the time when he starts, which last year were just full on rages.
One of the women from POF created a fake profile and would write inappropriate things on his wall. He finally blocked the profile after many arguments and me begging. His family attacked me on Facebook after a comment I had made. He misunderstood its meaning and his kids told him how awful I am. So he split and blocked me. Meanwhile the mortgage broker has returned even though she has a boyfriend and was unfriended and leaving  comments and likes. I know who created the fake profile and she continues to be on his Facebook leaving inappropriate memes and comments, but he doesn’t block them, even after I have let him know it hurts me that I’m blocked and they are not. He says they are my issue and I need to take it up with them. Do I push this issue or leave it? I’m sorry this is so long.

[Radcliff]

Loismay,

I would certainly understand if all of his interactions with other women upset you.  All of that certainly sounds like an awful lot to put up with.

It is frustrating, but true, that you cannot force him to stop these behaviors.  All you can do is control your own actions.  In some cases that may influence his actions for the better as a bonus, but the only guaranteed payback is the direct benefit you get for yourself.  An example is if he does something very hurtful to you, and you ask for some space for a few days and spend time away from him.  It's important, though, that what you do in response to a boundary violation be directly relevant to protecting you from that bad behavior.

To learn more about boundaries, you might want to visit this page on setting boundaries, this thread on scripts for setting boundaries, and this thread on boundary setting examples.

Can you tell us about one of your current situations, thinking about it in terms of boundaries?

WW

[Calmcollected]

I get it now. Thank you.

[Radcliff]

I get it now. Thank you.

Hi Loismay,

I hope it didn't feel like by giving you the boundaries links I was shipping you off to do some reading and be done.  This stuff is really really hard to put into practice.  I am still working on boundaries, and am getting a lot of help to do it.  If you have any questions at all, or if there are certain situations that are hard to work through, please ask.  Like many of us here, the challenges you are facing are not simple, and they often hurt a lot.

One of the best ways to use this place is to learn new skills to help make life better, and to practice them with support.  One excellent way to work on boundaries is to share an example here, and then work through it with us before trying to put it into practice.  Let us know if you'd like to do that!

WW

[Calmcollected]

Not at all. I started a new thread “I think it’s over”
I don’t know how I can come back from this, or if I want to.