Four weeks silent treatment/no contact from BPDbf but what is really going on?

[HistoryAddict]

Hi, I think this is my 3rd post since the end of October. I am very confused and distressed. My long distance BPDbf who I've known for 9 months, mostly an on line relationship but seen him a few times, came over to stay a few days on 13th November, before leaving me at the hospital on 16th for my hip replacement op, he texted me until the next day, and then just went silent, I haven't heard from him since. He seemed to enjoy his visit and met my kids aged 17, 22, and 24. On the 11th day he blocked me on facebook, then just over a week ago I discovered he's back on the dating site where I met him, I told him I knew this, then he blocked me on his phone. The biggest mystery is that he hasn't blocked me from his twitter account and I can still send messages to him on there, which he appears to read, hopefully not just 'mark all as read' but not reply to. Why leave the twitter open? He has my dressing gown at his flat and has not posted this to me, he forgot to bring it with him in November, plus he left his reading glasses at my house. My ex husband is in court in 3 days time, I keep wondering if my bf just left twitter open as he's curious to know the outcome, and hopes I will tell him.

If I do tell him, I don't want to do it on twitter. I am wondering if I should try to call him from my land line phone, he doesn't know the number so I'm not blocked on that... .what does anyone think? Will this just anger him? Surely I'm permitted to try to call a man I was supposedly in a relationship with, who has not said 'I have finished with you'. He will have travelled home for christmas by that day, to be with his family, 225 miles from his home.

If he doesn't answer the call I may write him a letter in the post and try to gently persuade him that our relationship is nothing to fear, the only explanation I can see for his behaviour is that he may have felt he was getting too close to me and backed off. It's extremely distressing. I had my hip op, after putting it off for 8 years, to improve our relationship and he knows this. I'm mid 50's and he's a few years younger. He had therapy for his BPD about 3 years ago, as his previous marriage ended after a few months, 5 years ago, before he was diagnosed.

I love him and don't want to give up on him, he's the first man in my life since my marriage ended 11 years ago, it will be the end of love and relationships for me, forever, if I lose him, I couldn't try again after all this.

Mostly I'd like advice about calling him on the land line, and people's views on why he'd leave twitter open and hang on to my robe at his flat?  Thank you for reading this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[MissGuided]

well am not very well educated on this. in fact, today i just made my first post . but i have been doing some reading. and most people seem to advise not to contact him. that chasing and begging comes accross as undesireable and weak. i am sorry for what you are going through. wish i had more insight on the matter.

[HistoryAddict]

Hi MissGuided, thanks for your reply. I understand what you are saying, but he couldn't have gone silent and cold on me at a worse time. I'd just had a massive operation, which HE talked me into having, and I felt more vulnerable and more in need of messages of support than ever before, so I did send him messages each day, mostly just updates on my progress and saying that I hoped he was OK, and not feeling depressed again. By day 11 of hearing nothing in return, I became a bit desperate and posted a 'nice' message directly on his Face book page instead of in private messages, that's when he blocked me, I don't think his family knew about me, but it was on an old post that wouldn't go through anyone's feed, and I'd have deleted it before long if he hadn't. I really don't know what to do, but continued access to his twitter gives me hope he hasn't completely cut me off, maybe I should just try a good old fashioned letter rather than risk annoying hum with a call. I'll post a request on twitter for him to call me, so I can talk about my ex's court case result, if he wont he'll have to wait for the letter after new year.

Our relationship began on the back of my ex's arrest last March, before that he'd only messaged me once on the dating site and I'd replied, but not got in touch again. 4 days later the arrest happened and I turned to my new on line friend for support, he was overjoyed at that, sent me his phone number and begged me to call him, and so it began... .

So I know he's really eager to know what happens in court, now it's finally come up. Don't see why I should just satisfy his curiosity on twitter though, after the way he's ignored me. He'll have to make the effort to read a real letter and face some of my thoughts, if he wants to know the outcome. I still have hopes of turning him round. He has so many problems with his health that, like me, he is unable to work, and that does not make it easy to find a new partner, neither of us can drive, we have so much in common really, I'm hoping for the best, and I don't expect much from him, just communication and meeting up 4 times a year, would do for me.

[onelittleladybug]

Hi HistoryAddict and 

Im sorry to hear this and I understand how you feel, that is very stressful and confusing.

First of all the very best you can do now is respect his space and absolutely not reach out at all, no phone calls or texts no matter how hard it is to resist. When someone blocks you no matter if you think they still might want contact from you it is not appropriate because the message they are sending is clear that they dont want it. Its very hard I know. Try to make the best of this time and this space that you are now being given to reflect. You have seen good sides Im sure, this is a time when different and darker sides are being shown to you. There is not much you can do to turn things around right now. However people with BPD tend to return from silent treatments and if you do some reading on here you will find that many of us use this time to focus on ourselves, our boundaries, needs and what we can and cannot accept. Once the pwBPD returns we have a fresh take on what we have to give and also how to communicate better.

Its also a good time to reflect on our end of the relationship. Is there anything we could have done differently, that might have been hurtful or needy or in any way cause distress for the other person. Maybe something happened in the communication between you two at the hospital that you didnt pick up on at the time. Can you tell us a little bit about those days and what went on between you two?

 hang in there and take care of yourself. There are things we can do to improve our relationship with pwBPD, if you havent already check out what we call the Tools on the menu over here  its been an enormous help for me and so many others on this board.

[HistoryAddict]

Hello, onelittleladybug and thanks for your reply. I get what you're saying about resisting messaging him, I can't text as my phone was blocked, but he left me able to message on twitter, which made me feel maybe he wants me to occasionally... .I'm worried that if I go completely quiet, he may take that as a rejection from me and feel abandoned by me? And think I've given up on him and that I don't care anymore... .

When he came to stay, it was not exactly as I'd expected. He slept on my sofa in the living room, having brought his dog with him, and I had 2 cats hiding upstairs, so he didn't sleep on the new guest bed I'd bought specially for him, to put up right next to my own, single bed, in my bedroom. Well no night time closeness, but with the dog there, and with waiting for my hip op anyway, I didn't worry too much over that, he built my flat pack furniture by day, and we had fun and laughs in the evenings, watching my old Cine-films that my dad made and other things, he seemed to enjoy himself. Would have been awkward to share bedroom with my three grown kids around too.

At the hospital, he seemed nervous and jumpy and wanted to get away fast, I sent him to the hospital shop to get me a drink for after my op, and to change a large note so I could give him change for fares back to my home to collect his dog and case. I wonder if he was upset that when he went to the shop, he missed me changing into the hospital gown, and took that as rejection... .

I tried to get him to stay a bit longer, he nervously said 'I've got to go', so I gave him a goodbye hug and kissed his neck, but it felt like he wanted to resist it.  Did he panic at his feelings of concern for me, about to have a big op? Did his train journey home worry him at the depth of his feeling for me?

I told him at the hospital, that building my furniture had cleared his debt to me, he's been relying on financial help from me for 5 months and had built up a debt of nearly 200 pounds. Did he only come over to build furniture to clear his debt knowing that would then be the end? How will he cope in future without my help? Due to government cuts and cruelty to sick and disabled people... .

I wish I could read his mind. I don't want to annoy him and make matters worse.

[Ellemno]

I know you're hurt, and that you don't want to make him feel abandoned, but I think it's time to stop, take a deep breath, and try a new perspective for a moment.

It's clear you care for him.
It's also clear that he is sending you signals that indicate that he doesn't want to talk to you right now. Even with the twitter open.
It isn't clear how long that will last, but that's where he is.

So what about you: Where are you? What do you need from a partner to feel good and safe? Though you are hurt and want him, do you want to be with someone who just cuts you off like that?

It may be that he's giving you the silent treatment, or it may be that he's just done. It's hard to know since he hasn't said verbally that he's done forever, but you do know that he's done for now and actively looking on a dating site.

How are you taking care of your self right now? 

[MissGuided]

Hello again History Addict. I understand how desperate you must feel. I think mostly is the not knowing why which i think makes it so hard. From my end i know why and i am still full of doubt.  Dealing with a person with personality disorder is like nothing normal we have done before. Is all new and what might seem backwards. Like onelittleladybug suggested, i think is a good time to read around the site. Read other people's posts and experiences. It has worked for me and it has given me valuable insight as i hope it does for you. Concentrate on getting stronger and making yourself desireable again. I read that if we appear weak we might not be earning their respect. I am fairly new on this, but is all i can suggest.

Good luck and welcome to BPD family.

[Meili]

 HistoryAddict

I wanted to stop by and welcome you to the bpdfamily.

You've gotten some great advice from onelittleladybug and MissGuided. Also, Ellemno was correct in saying that you need to stop, take a second and breath. You are important in all of this, and you need to take care of yourself first.

How are you doing today?

[HistoryAddict]

Hi Ellemno and Meili, and thanks for your messages.

I'm not too good today, to be honest. My ex who I've been separated from for 11 years and currently divorcing was in court for indecent images on his comp, and has got an 8 month suspended sentence and placed on the sex offenders register, and HE was meant to be the 'normal' guy I'd had a relationship with... .

I've caved in and sent the news to my BPDbf on the twitter, just felt it would look mean of me to not tell him, he was so supportive of me about it all for so many months till he went silent 5 weeks ago... .

Where am I and what do I need from a partner to feel god and safe? Do I wanna be with someone who cuts me off like that?

I don't think I'm in a position to be that fussy tbh, 56, riddled with arthritis, practically a recluse and probably DPD. For me it's HIM or nobody ever again, I couldn't start again after this, my kids didn't even want me to find anyone anyway... .   I feel that we're very suitable for each other, all things considered really x

[HistoryAddict]

SO he's got BPD, but tbh he's an absolute ANGEL compared to the one that went to court today... .

[Meili]

There are always other options. Also, we all have things that we have to deal with in life, don't sell yourself short.

Did he respond to the twitter message?

[MissGuided]

Hi Ellemno and Meili, and thanks for your messages.

I'm not too good today, to be honest. My ex who I've been separated from for 11 years and currently divorcing was in court for indecent images on his comp, and has got an 8 month suspended sentence and placed on the sex offenders register, and HE was meant to be the 'normal' guy I'd had a relationship with... .

I've caved in and sent the news to my BPDbf on the twitter, just felt it would look mean of me to not tell him, he was so supportive of me about it all for so many months till he went silent 5 weeks ago... .

Where am I and what do I need from a partner to feel god and safe? Do I wanna be with someone who cuts me off like that?

I don't think I'm in a position to be that fussy tbh, 56, riddled with arthritis, practically a recluse and probably DPD. For me it's HIM or nobody ever again, I couldn't start again after this, my kids didn't even want me to find anyone anyway... .   I feel that we're very suitable for each other, all things considered really x

wow that is a lot more stress added. however, i hope you understand their doings are not a reflection of who you are and what you feel you deserve as a person. do not put yourself down over their behaviour. only they are accountable for what they do. both good and bad.

[HistoryAddict]

No Meili, he has not responded yet, unfortunately. I don't expect to hear from him until about 12th January, when he will most likely have run out of money and be remembering that for the past 6 months he has turned to me at that moment, so we'll see. My kids are heart broken about their dad and the court case.

Sadly who I am and who I feel as a person was badly affected, a long time ago, in 1968, when my dad had bad publicity in local papers. The parents of the other kids at school instructed their children to stay away from me, and not to play with me, as 'that girl's daddy is a witch'!  which followed me through school, battering my self confidence, making me feel rejected and awkward and an outcast from society, so I grew up shy and became pretty much a recluse. It was an amazing thing for me to risk meeting someone I met on a dating site and feel relaxed and comfortable with him, most people terrify me. I met my ex hubby at high school or I'd have been single all my life, I think. I've had such bad experience of men starting with dad, who went on to persue a 12 year affair with my mother's younger sister, on and off. Oh well, enough of my moaning, it's supposedly nearly christmas... .don't feel very christmassy though and my operated leg (hip) feels rotten and swollen xx

[HistoryAddict]

And thanks also MissGuided for your comments. It was my childhood that affected how I feel about myself really, probably true for many people x

[Ellemno]

Sorry things are so rough right now.

If your focus is to be with BPDex, I wonder if while he's "away" it might be a good idea to use some of the tools on the site to possibly improve future interactions with him.

Good luck!

[Plaidfly]

And thanks also MissGuided for your comments. It was my childhood that affected how I feel about myself really, probably true for many people x

Hi, I only skimmed the discussion. I wonder how my case is close to yours. I absolutely understand all those who said to keep quiet but it did not work for me. When he put me under silent treatment or behaved atrociously, I kept contact for the kids (not shared, his D mainly). As he was always  very, very, very worried about abandonment I tried to swallow my pride and tried to write to him, slowly, bit by bit, he let me back again and then he appologized and made a huge effort to "reward" me for my patience.
However, I am slightly worried by you saying that he will get back when he runs out of money. I have never supported my partner, we share costs but I live in his house and he pays all living costs so... .I would be very worried if he gave up on his prestigenous job and resorted - in his case - to playing games... .

My fingers crossed and huge sympathy!

[HistoryAddict]

Thanks so much for your comments Ellemno and Plaidfly. yes I will try to use the tools on the site, and have done some reading up already and bought a book when I first discovered he suffered from BPD.

Thank you for your kind supportive words Plaidfly, I do feel it's not only difficult for me to keep my distance but would leave him with the impression that I'm not really bothered about him and could let him go easily. He blocked me on the phone as that rings and buzzes, face book because I wrote on his main page, but he left twitter open so I could quietly message him, I feel, which tells me he doesn't want to completely cut me off, he's probably wondering how I am, after my operation etc. And, if he does contact me again, it would be with a twitter DM, so would be awkward for him too, if he'd blocked me. It looks like he doesn't want to burn his bridges.

My comments about him running out of money... .You see, he has a few problems which mean he is unable to work just as I am. He had no choice but to borrow from me monthly, in the last few months, he paid some back when he could, but then he built my furniture to cover the rest of his debt. That's the trouble, we'd been enjoying a lovely long distance relationship, mostly on line, it had been a while since we'd seen each other, and I think he's been overwhelmed, and scared away, by my affection and love for him when suddenly he could see and feel it, close up, and realised things were getting more serious.

Thanks anyway, your message has given me a feeling of hopefulness.  I miss his support so much, even though it was mostly words in on line messages, sometimes phone calls, I'm lonely and can be trapped in my home for weeks at a time and he was such a good friend to me. I've loved my trips to his little flat too, it was a great struggle to get there with my disabilities, but great to escape from home and enjoy his company, we have a lot in common. I'm missing him dreadfully and can't bear to think it is the end... .

[HistoryAddict]

Well, I've been a total idiot today, I messaged my BF on the open twitter and foolishly mentioned how my son has kindly bought me the gloves for Xmas that my BF had said he'd get me, before he went silent. I said my son had felt sorry for me and got me the gift. This was taken badly by him and he instantly blocked me on twitter as soon as he read it, therefore I am now a heartbroken bull in a china shop and no idea what to do next to make things better, I emailed a few apologies but no response

[Ellemno]

I'm sorry to hear that. 

I'm sorry you're hurting.

[HistoryAddict]

Thanks for your words Ellemno.  I feel so bad about upsetting him yesterday, that I feel like I wish someone would punch me. I am so annoyed with myself, but been feeling depressed so many weeks, and struggling to recover from my op. which was undertaken with a view to helping our relationship, I just had a moment of weakness in what I posted, regarding presents and also money borrowed 2 days before the silence began... .I wish I'd kept away from his twitter yesterday instead of giving in to frustration and misery.

I've been reading other people's posts, but it's not helping me I'm afraid. It is magnifying the whole problem and I find I am sitting here in tears, feeling as much anguish and sadness for others as I am for myself, I'm thinking that staying alone, as I've been for 11 years until 9 months ago, is much the safest and wisest option.

[HistoryAddict]

I know many of you advised to back off and stop messaging him, and I regret not taking that advice now.  I feel like I am dependant on hearing from him, to be able to cope with my life. Just as I felt dependant on my ex husband to do my shopping etc while I remained disabled with arthritis.  I DON'T do exes... .My ex husband feels like my father, and I can not bear to lose my BPDbf from my life totally either, the least I want is to remain friends online... .I am very isolated and never see anyone besides my kids and my ex H.

[HistoryAddict]

I wish I could find more advice specifically aimed at long distance relationships, as they say that pwBPD are inclined to look for this type of relationship, though I haven't come across many if any, cases on the boards so far. I think it helps to disguise some of the problems, but magnify others. Relationship advice targeting this type of relationship appears to be in short supply. I originally thought my pwBPD would want to keep the distance, seeing each other irregularly and messaging/video calling as before, but I know that his short marriage ended due to strain regarding his separation issues, when his ex wife had to go away for a week or two at a time to visit her son, and trust and jealousy issues, which makes me feel one of his problems causing NC could be as he worries about getting closer, he knows the distance we live at will become a problem. Thanks for listening. I feel the internet and messaging systems are causing problems in that it's too easy to message something quickly nowadays, and live to regret it. Old fashioned letters give more time to consider what you're saying, and opportunity to alter it before posting.  Now I'm blocked from twitter I'll wait a couple of weeks then try writing a nice letter to him. I emailed apologies but have no idea if he got them.

[HistoryAddict]

I think I need to start a new thread as there have been developments in my situation, not sure if I should put it on the relationship ended board though... .

[Ellemno]

Sure, feel free, or add updates to this one.

I wonder, how do you see this community helping you the most? What are looking for?

[HistoryAddict]

Hi Ellemno, I felt the community could help me by having people who could listen to my problem and understand and empathise with what I 'm going through, and maybe throw light on things that are confusing because they've experienced similar situations. Just looking for support/advice from people more experienced in coping with pwBPD really. However... .not sure I'll need advice much longer, my thread was titled 'Four weeks silent treatment... .which has now become seven... .and due to facebook I kind of now know what's going on and I AM DEVASTATED... .I will start a new thread in the Relationship Over board.