Closure from reporting to the police?

[LittleMilly]

Hello   

It has been several years since I have posted here, I have moved one, I am in a loving relationship with a wonderful person. However, some days my past still comes back to haunt me.

Today is one of those days.

In the UK (where I live) we have a new law about abusive and controlling behaviour. Had my relationship ended since this law came in, I would have probably reported my uPBD ex. Our relationship ended 6 years ago. I can still report him now, and there will be a mark against his name so if, in the future, another woman should make a similar report, the police will take her seriously.

My question is, has anyone does this, so long after their relationship has ended? How did it make you feel, did you get any closure or find the whole process too upsetting?

Thank you.

[EdR]

Personally, I cannot imagine that bringing closure. It would probably do the opposite for me. Especially after 6 years.

Imho, I think the decision shouldn't depend on closure either. I think it should depend on the gravity of the abuse. And that alone.

I also think you are the only one able to decide. 

However, I can imagine how these days can bring back all these bad memories again (and the good as well). The holidays truly suck from that point of view!   (no worries, I still love Christmas, but I am having some troubles as well during these peaceful/quiet, thoughtful and meaningful times... .)

[Greg]

Hi LittleMilly,
  Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry to see you don't have more replies to such an important question.  It sounds like you are a very empathetic person (one of the good takeaways from this stuff usually) and are willing / wanting to make the world better even though you have a safe NC distance from the BPD abuser.

First, I want to say that I have very direct experience in this and am not just sharing a peripheral opinion.  I actually testified against my BPD abuser in court, which became very public, and resulted in them being essentially blacklisted by the society around them.  I have also worked with police to obtain records and gone through my share of painful digging up before.

There are some things to consider when moving into this arena that may help to organize:
1) are you doing this to get some sense of closure?
2) are you doing this to feel safer (when the BPD has less power / control in society we can usually feel safer, and rightfully so!)
3) are you doing this to help people and future victims generally?
4) are you taking a detailed inventory of the work this will take (emotional labor, trauma processing, etc.)
5) are you in therapy + do you have a support system in place that is healthy and understanding?
6) do you know you will be safe / it is confidential / etc?
I would say having a therapist before going into this process is a 100% must.

When I reported my BPD abuser it was for all the reasons above combined.  There were also some other reasons that made it mostly unavoidable given the circumstances the BPD put me into.

Also, my phone , home address, etc. are very private and never shared with public employees or put into public forms.  My BPD abuser would have an impossible time getting access to this info.  I have worked very hard to make my life this way to be safe.  We must remember that we are dealing with a literal sociopath who is unpredictable and can be extremely violent.

I would say if all those conditions are in place and / or there is the strictest confidentiality then maybe pursue it.  But please, get more opinions too, I don't know how the UK system works.  Our safety *must* come first!

These kinds of choices are hard to make but I can tell you from my experience that I am happy I went through it, as horrible as it was.  My BPD abuser lost all their power almost overnight.  While they are still alive I will never sleep 100% soundly, but I know that they can no longer pretend to be a "normal" part of society while gaslighting me as the crazy one.  It actually did give me quite a lot of closure, but I guess that depends on the person.  I still live life in hiding in a way, still not giving out my address and mindful of my safety.  This is just something that I feel is necessary so long as the BPD is still alive.  That was the case before the court stuff anyway though, so I don't feel like that was a cost of it.  Though your situation may be different.

Best of luck to you.

[WarOfRoses]

Hello   

 I have moved one, I am in a loving relationship with a wonderful person.

My question is, has anyone does this, so long after their relationship has ended? How did it make you feel, did you get any closure or find the whole process too upsetting?

Thank you.

It would open up a whole new can of worms.

Just learn from it and move on with your new partner.

 

[aman]

When my BPD exgf made a false claim of harassment to the police, I contacted them to see if I had enough evidence to press charges under the emotional abuse laws.

They would only conduct an over the phone risk assessment and the lady conducting it kept if this was a counter claim to her accusation.

I found the whole experience condescending. I was then told that because the relationship lasted less than a year they would not consider further action.

I wish I pushed for further investigation but I was not strong enough to do it.

I don't think the fact I'm male didn't help.

[aman]

Quick update.

I researched the abuse laws and it seems there have been less than 100 cases since it come into force.

Surprisingly, the county with the most convictions is where my ex is from.

Your post opened up old wounds of the abuse I suffered.

My ex had gone to the police previously to report having "sex under duress" she was insistent it wasn't rape but she didn't want to have sex. She was quite precise in the details. This was a partner before me.

If she goes to the police again about any new partners they will see a history of allegations without evidence and hopefully realise she is playing the system.

[Greg]

Take care of yourself, Aman.  I am no doctor / professional but from the sound of your posts it really might be best to leave this one alone for now.  Therapy and education and healing must come first before diving into this stuff.  Otherwise we are set to destroy ourselves and fall into the old patterns... .
JMHO.

-Greg