Daughter in emotional crisis

[mrscubbie]

I need help dealing with my 24 yr old daughter with BPD. The emotional and financial toll is unbearable. She recently was fired from her job and got a dui back in May. So her whole works is crashing in on her. She has her own apartment so of course I have been paying her rent, which I can’t continue to do. She blames me for everything, is abusive and can be physically violent. She threatens suicide and tells me it’s my fault. After everything I’ve done for her she tells me I’m a rotten mother. I am so afraid I’m going to have to wind up supporting her because right now she is an emotional cripple. When things are going ok she can manage but still suffers from depression and anxiety. She has been to many counselors and psychiatrists, on and off medication. But I don’t think medication works for BPD. I’m at the point where I cringe when she calls or I get a text and walk around with n a constant state of dread. To make matters worse, my husband just passed away in June, and I can’t even grieve because of her. She thinks she’s the only one grieving. Help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

hi mrscubbie, and

you certainly sound exhausted, and i can understand just wanting some space for your daughter.

im very sorry to hear about your husbands passing, and that you dont have the space to grieve. i lost my father nearly a year ago now and didnt feel i had a lot of breathing room either. its hard.

so im glad you decided to reach out to us, and i hope youll stick around and make yourself at home as part of the family. a strong support system is really critical, and since all of this is taking such a toll on you, i would recommend finding a good therapist as part of that support system.

what happened that led to your daughter losing her job? whats going on between the two of you right now, are you in a state of conflict or are things quiet at the moment?

[mrscubbie]

She works as a paralegal but working in a law firm requires a thick skin. They fired her, but didn’t really provide a specific reason. She’s good at her job but I think her emotional issues interferes. She’s always paranoid that people are talking about her, can’t take criticism etc.  Whatever I say ends up being wrong. She complains about not having a relationship with her siblings and that nobody cares about her, but she’s burned a lot of bridges with her behavior. I am seeing a counselor who told me to set boundaries but I’m am afraid that detaching will push her over the edge.  There’s nothing worse than living with the fear that something you say or do will cause them to harm themselves

[mrscubbie]

Right now she is in crisis

[once removed]

There’s nothing worse than living with the fear that something you say or do will cause them to harm themselves

i can only imagine, especially as her loving mother.

it is, unfortunately, fairly common for someone with this disorder to struggle with maintaining a job, and of course lots of major areas in life, and its unbearable to be a loved one watching it unfold.

I am seeing a counselor who told me to set boundaries but I’m am afraid that detaching will push her over the edge.  

im glad to hear youre seeing a counselor. on one hand, people with this disorder need loved ones/supporters to have strong, consistent, firm, but also loving boundaries, even when it is hardest. on the other hand, they dont do "tough love" so well, and too much too soon can backfire.

where does your counselor think would be a good place to start? what do you think?

Right now she is in crisis

whats going on?

[mrscubbie]

Because so many things are going wrong in her life right now she just can’t cope. She insists that it is all due to bad luck and that she is cursed for life. She says she tries but nothing ever works out   I tell her that being a paralegal is an accomplishment but she’s always so down on herself. She’s miserable because she doesn’t have a relationship but I don’t think the average guy can be around her for long

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Has she tried dialectical behavioral therapy? It's the gold standard for treating BPD and if she was willing to do the work could definitely help her with some of the issues she's experiencing.

[mrscubbie]

I actually bought her a workbook the other day. She said I can’t believe you bought me a book do you really think that’s going to help?  She said all her friends told her it was the worst thing I could have given her (she’s probably lying about that). I can only hope that she will give it a try.  Of course she lost her job so she no longer has insurance so can’t see her counselor anymore.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Yeah, my daughter has said similar things. The issue with my daughter is that she doesn't want to do any work, she wants a quick fix. The workbooks are actually super helpful. And a counselor would be having do homework if she was in actual dbt so it's pretty similar to what she'd be doing in therapy.

Hopefully she will look at it. My daughter would get mad and then a month later I'd see her working on it. It's also good for her to know she has options even if she choose not to take them.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Are you in the US? Can she apply for Medicaid and food stamps?

[mrscubbie]

She has applied fir unemployment and I believe she’s been approved so that may help somewhat. I’m just tired of being the fallback for everything and when I go out of my way to help she acts entitled and even worse takes it for granted that I’m going to bail her out. And if I hesitate she cries about how unfair her life is and she may as well be dead   Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Oh yes. That has been the last several years with my daughter. Though for her it's worse because she has no education and she can't hold a job as a stripper for more than a month or two. She's actually been fired from every strip club in town now.

We tried everything to make her life easier so she could get treatment and focus on that. She has wasted every opportunity she's had. We also really haven't bailed her out of much beyond helping with rent the last few months and occasionally buying groceries.

She's now addicted to meth and has been treating us increasingly worse lately. She cut off contact with us a couple weeks ago and then came asking us to bail her out and we said no. It's been very hard but we can't do this anymore.

It sucks because we want our kids to have the opportunity to get better but they often seem incapable of taking that opportunity. It's probably the most cruel aspect of BPD.

Perhaps you could have a plan in place to ween your daughter off over a few months? That way it gives her a choice to help herself and when it happens it won't be a surprise. She will still be mad but it's more likely she will get over it if it's not sudden.

[mrscubbie]

Yes but taking that first step is the hardest as you have already found out.

[wendydarling]

Hi Mrscubbie

Along with once removed and Hyacinth Bucket I welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry for your loss and the emotional and financial toll of your daughter is unbearable, that's a lot you are dealing with. I'm glad you've reached out for support. My father passed away at the time my DD reached crisis 2015 (I think the loss was the final trigger for her reaching crisis).  I eventually had grief counselling, it was very helpful, I was able to leave BPD and crisis out of the room and acknowledge my loss, love and feelings for my father and work through  grieving process, my needs. It was such a relief. I recommend if you've not already reached out for you focusing on grief counselling.

Applying for unemployment is a good start in her taking responsibility for her situation. And as HB says applying for Medicare, what ever is available and ween your DD off gradually, small steps, set your financial limits.

The tools and lessons here help change how we communicate with our loved one, they take some practice. Are you familiar with 1.11 | Validation Skills- Stop Invalidating Others Some people need an "extra helping" of validation to feel good about themselves. The latter is particularly true of people experiencing difficult times and of people who are highly sensitive, insecure, have low self esteem or who are easily intimidated. My DD needs and responds positively to that extra helping of validation, do you think it might help your situation with your DD, how she's projecting her feelings on you?

Things can get better, small steps, we're here with you. 

WDx

[mrscubbie]

Thank you. I am constantly affirming,,validating and reassuring her that all will be well and she’s not crazy. And honestly I’m tired of it because  then she accuses me of not acknowledging that she is suffering from a mental illness.   If I were to agree with her she would scream at me and say it’s all my fault. I can’t win

[once removed]

sometimes validation is less about telling a person what they want to hear (or what we think they want to hear), and more about just listening and reflecting back that we hear them.

we have a powerful tool here when it comes to applying that that id encourage you to look into: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

to build on it, sometimes just asking validating questions has the same effect, where a person feels they have been heard, and that they have the space to express themselves, and this builds trust over time. learn more about the power of asking validating questions here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0