Did you grow up happy? What did a BPD relationship do?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am pretty sure I had a happy childhood.  I remember parents who got along and treated me pretty well.  I think there was a normal level of dysfunction.   Of course, as I get older and find myself untangling the web of BPD, that doesn't mean I don't wonder what happened back then that made me who I am today.   

I say this because when we were first together, my SO made it a point to tell me other people didn't do, feel, think, or act the way I did in a relationship when we'd have arguments.  I had no real guide and thought "hey, my SO wouldn't lie to me, they love me, maybe I'm wrong."   

As a result, I think I'm confused.  What is a good relationship? What is bad?  Was my childhood "happy", or more dysfunction. 

Maybe this sounds stupid, but the crazymaking makes you doubt everything.   What's right? What's wrong?  When are you "good"?  When are you "bad"? 

[mssalty]

I am pretty sure I had a happy childhood.  I remember parents who got along and treated me pretty well.  I think there was a normal level of dysfunction.   Of course, as I get older and find myself untangling the web of BPD, that doesn't mean I don't wonder what happened back then that made me who I am today.   

I say this because when we were first together, my SO made it a point to tell me other people didn't do, feel, think, or act the way I did in a relationship when we'd have arguments.  I had no real guide and thought "hey, my SO wouldn't lie to me, they love me, maybe I'm wrong."   

As a result, I think I'm confused.  What is a good relationship? What is bad?  Was my childhood "happy", or more dysfunction. 

Maybe this sounds stupid, but the crazymaking makes you doubt everything.   What's right? What's wrong?  When are you "good"?  When are you "bad"? 

[Cat Familiar]

As a young child, I was described in report cards as "happy-go-lucky" more than once.

Then after years of living with my BPD mother and her attempts to unsuccessfully mold me into her image, I was quite repressed, unhappy and fearful. It took a long time to get over that until I moved out for college.

Maybe this sounds stupid, but the crazymaking makes you doubt everything.   What's right? What's wrong?  When are you "good"?  When are you "bad"? 

Not stupid at all. It's very confusing, particularly for kind people who are trusting.

[Feelinstronger]

I had an absolutely wonderful and blessed childhood. I am an only raised by parents who were deeply and completely devoted to one another through sickness, job loss, good times and bad. 

I married twice - two broken men - and am twice divorced.  ANd now trying to accept and get over a break up of a 7 year relationship with a BPD partner to whom I was engaged to marry.

I ask myself - WHY?  Why am I drawn to broken men, when my parents were great?  I have a great new therapist and am exploring this.  I guess I was so accustomed to faithfulness and truth that I was ill equipped to handle selfishness, infidelity, mental abuse.  Just had no idea I would be dealing with that.  But I do know - I must break this damaging cycle of mine.

[formflier]

I had a childhood of exquisite memories and experiences.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  Intellectually I was aware that others were not so lucky, yet had no real experience with this.

I was raised to be an achiever and "appreciated" those that were into making themselves better.  My wife was the first one in her immediate and extended family to get a college degree and while at the time I knew here FOO was "interesting" she was specifically taking steps to overcome things she didn't like about her family.  Made sense to me.

It was over 15 years into marriage when BPD showed up (after a natural disaster) and I had no skills to deal with this.  It's been a process since then.

A common theme is for the pwBPD to "convince" the non that the "non" is the crazy one and most nons are susceptible, because whey would their spouse of loved one lie? 

Great thread.  Keep it going!

FF

 

[prof]

I had a really happy childhood.

My parents had their problems (mom was bipolar), but they did a great job at keeping them from me until I was in high school and figured things out.  They did divorce after I went to college -- they'd stuck together for me (no siblings).

Since getting involved with uBPDw, I'm still relatively happy away from my house.  (A colleague recently observed that I was probably the happiest faculty member in our building... .)  But I'm always so anxious any more.

I say this because when we were first together, my SO made it a point to tell me other people didn't do, feel, think, or act the way I did in a relationship when we'd have arguments.

uBPDw says this to me frequently.  "Nobody is like this but you, prof!"

[formflier]

  But I'm always so anxious any more.

This has something P has shown me about my life... .and has also helped me understand there is a "basis in fact" for my anxiety.  My wife really has done some crazy things and that really does cause people that were not anxious before... .to become anxious.

FF

[Greencane]

Pretty good childhood here, too. Not perfect: had one older sibling who tormented me and a father who was pretty distant for the first 12 years, but great mother, good friends, minimal bullying, never wanted for anything.

Is this a theme? Is there something about growing up happy that makes us feel like we can "fix" our pwBPD? Or did we grow up sheltered which makes us less suspicious when our pwBPD start acting out?

I think we all know how intoxicating our pwBPD can be in the beginning, when we're on the good side of their splitting, and they're trying to reel us in. But then why do we stay when the wheels start to fall off the bus?

[formflier]

For me, I certainly wasn't invalidated as a child, but wasn't necessarily validated either.

Emotions were fine... I dealt with them... they were never wrong.

In my family achievement and hard work were honored.  So... I chased after that.  I learned that a lot of my worth is in what I do, vice who I am.  (nothing particularly wrong with that)

There was just no history in my family of people that were "close" attacking you or making up stuff about you.

So... an example of emotions being left alone.  Let's say you were really sad one morning.  There is nothing wrong with being sad... .but the pigs still need to be cared for.  So... .be sad and get your stuff done.

FF

[Notwendy]

If our relationships with our SO's were all bad, we wouldn't be in them. Surely we can identify good qualities and good times in our relationships along with the issues.

Same with our parents. Family dysfunction tends to be intergenerational. In the extremes, there are severely abusive parents and wonderfully perfect parents but I imagine many people have parents somewhere in the middle.

I grew up with a very disordered BPD mother and the dysfunction that went with it, yet also was a generally happy child and have some good memories. My parents have good personal aspects to them and these were evident in how we kids were raised.

Since we tend to match our SO's in some ways, and we are influenced by our FOO's I have wondered how our FOO's could possibly match. His mother appears to be a saint. My H didn't grow up with the rages and outbursts and bizarre behaviors that happened in my home. It was only later that the issues in his FOO became apparent. Our match? My mother has BPD, my father was co-dependent. My H's mother is co-dependent and there was some walking on eggshells in the family. The issues in my marriage were caused by this combination of our own traits that somehow instigated drama.

I think it is helpful to look at the patterns in our FOO's not to blame but to get an idea of our own tendencies- what are they? What can we work on? We don't have to have bad childhoods or terrible parents. It may be that our own parents learned patterns and traits from their parents that they didn't even question. When we do learn what we want to change, it is an opportunity to change dysfunctional patterns.

[formflier]

I would suspect that my Dad marrying a "first to graduate college" high achiever (Mom went on to be college prof) and me marrying one isn't a coincidence. 

My Mom and my wife are both from poor backgrounds.

I certainly never gave it any conscious thought at the time but I'm sure there is something there.

FF

[teapay]

My parents had a great relationship and were generally good people.  They provided for us, had good expectations for us, were involved in our lives and we did things as a family.  I was talented in many ways and generally happy.  At this same time, though, I was frequently beaten badly, smashed in the face, hit with rods and chains,  hair ripped out, swore at, insulted and  humiliated.  It was also childhood of pretty rapidly shifting severe contrasts.  I've been solid achiever in several areas all my life, so in many respects I never gave my background much though, since overall it hasnt been an issue, but I have wondered how that experience effected my intimate relationships with women and my tolerance of their behaviors against me that I wouldn't accept from others.  It seems a very specific part of my  life to be effected so I've never feel the direct connection other than speculating about it.  One thing that I've done is to apply the boundaries I have in my non intimate relationships to my intimate relationships and have been able to correct much of that in my current marriage.  I generally don't share too much about myself, but like many others I've wondered about these things too.

[Tattered Heart]

My childhood wasn't bad but my mom was emotionally distant and aloof with me and my sisters. She was a stay at home mom and I remember her doing lots of activities with us but I don't remember her hugging or comforting us. I was an anxious child though my childhood was relatively normal. I'm reading a book now that talks about how the roots of our co-dependency/lack of boundaries stem from our moms.

The book describes that people who grow up to have toxic relationships with partners also have mothers who are either engulfing moms or ignoring moms. They can further be broken down into The Flamboyant-Extrovert Mom, The Accomplishment Oriented Mom (my mom), The Psychosomatic Mom, The Addicted Mom, The Secretly Mean Mom, and The Emotionally Needy Mom.

All of these types of moms give us a sense of not being good enough, not being lovable, or attachment issues which manifests as the children either becoming overachievers or self-saboteurs.