Burning house analogy

[yeeter]

And one more, as a reminder to not throw fuel on the fire.  And blaming a house for being on fire is not very productive.

If we were healthy to begin with, we would have run away at the first sign of dysfunction and abuse. We would have seen that something big was wrong, and we would have politely excused ourselves from the relationship and not turned back.

Because we have our own mental health issues, instead, we run right into that burning building and hang around, complaining that its too hot, never considreing that we should leave the burning building or that we had control over entering in the first place. Instead, we want to stay inside and open an window to cool it off. We complain and blame the building for being on fire, and sometimes, to try to calm things down, we add little cups of gasoline of our own, just to keep it blazing! If only the building could understand that it isnt our fault it is on fire, then it might appreciate my presence and make it cooler in there.

Its just that crazy.

The relationships can become addictive, to our detriment.

[Skip]

Thoughtful analogy... .

... .but is it a burning house?

Or is it that we get caught in that cycle of too good to leave, too bad to stay.

[formflier]

I think a better way to put it is many of us lacked "emotional intelligence" or perhaps were just ignorant of the crazyness that was out there.

And... people have bad days.  So, if we are used to giving the people we love the benefit of the doubt... .you can get a long ways into a relationship before going... ."what the heck... "

Then... .if you lack skills... .or never had to have skills...

Personally... .I think the burning house analogy is a bit extreme for many of us.   Perhaps a room on our house was on fire when we came here... .threatening to spread.  I certainly found this place when I was in crisis... as many of us were when we came here.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Who knew?  I had never heard about BPD until after I had been married for nine turbulent years.  I was under the mistaken impression that her emotional outbursts were due to immaturity (my BPDxW is 9 years younger), and thought they would subside over time.  Sure, I had my own issues, which made me particularly susceptible to a r/s with a pwBPD.  What red flags?     I never saw any at the time.

LJ

[yeeter]

The usefulness of this analogy, for me, was to help stop the 'blame game'.  Which could be argued about, to what degree they are able to control their own emotions (if they wanted to).  But in a way that doesnt matter. 

We can get caught up focusing externally on 'them them them'.  And not focus on our own behavior and building skill and gaining emotional strength. 

The burning building analogy is just a reminder that to some degree they cannot help themselves.  So dont expect them to suddenly stop the crazy behavior.  Controlling your own behavior is a more productive use of energy.

Just food for thought.

[yeeter]

Who knew?  I had never heard about BPD until after I had been married for nine turbulent years.  I was under the mistaken impression that her emotional outbursts were due to immaturity (my BPDxW is 9 years younger), and thought they would subside over time.  Sure, I had my own issues, which made me particularly susceptible to a r/s with a pwBPD.  What red flags?     I never saw any at the time.

LJ

I was a deer in the headlights.  Had never experienced anything like it, ever.  Which froze me into a state of disbelief and a complete loss of what to do.  I didnt have the skills, support system, or recognition for any of it.  And there were definitely big humongous red banners at the end of a red flag lined street (in hindsight!).  Painful life lesson.  I hope I learned it else I will get it over. 

Life is a series of lessons, and if you dont learn that lesson the first time dont worry, you will get that lesson again... .

[Skip]

Just food for thought.

You're right.

[formflier]

  So dont expect them to suddenly stop the crazy behavior. 

One thing I have shifted more towards is to authentically express shock at crazy stuff, yet stay away from saying "here we go again... ".  More of a stay in the moment thing.

I express shock and then move on without debate or further finger pointing.  If there is boundary enforcement... I try to do it with a shrug of the shoulders... .vice some sort of "judgmental attitude"

FF

[hope2727]

"They asked me how I didn't see the fire burning behind me and I responded that I was to busy putting out the ones raging in front of me" An author that I can't recall the name of.


Yes I get the burning house analogy however I disagree.

 I am a lovely relatively healthy person (or at least the psychologist I saw assures me so).    However, like the frog in the boiling water, the incremental steady drip of abuse and changing personality seems out of character for our loved ones until much later when we realize that it is the norm not the exception.

 My ex was such a lovely person... .until he wasn't. It was years before the dysfunction became apparent. And as it SLOWLY happened I was pretty preoccupied putting out other urgent raging fires. Major life threatening family health emergencies, a second university degree, financial crises and on and on. These had my immediate attention while he slowly spun out of control. His slow derailment into madness ( and I really have no other way to describe it) was gradual, painful and eventually brutal. And by the time I realized how ill he was the house behind me was a towering inferno that HE kept running back into while I ran out.

But I do get your point. 

[Lucky Jim]

The burning building analogy is just a reminder that to some degree they cannot help themselves.  So dont expect them to suddenly stop the crazy behavior.  Controlling your own behavior is a more productive use of energy.

Nicely said, yeeter, which reminds me of my own mantra to "put your energy where your power is," i.e., in the things over which one has control (mainly oneself). 

LJ

[formflier]

My ex was such a lovely person... .until he wasn't.  

This... .coupled with "we didn't know what we didn't know" accounts for much of how I am in the situation I am in.  

I was aware of my wife's FOO, yet she was able to talk about it and was doing specific things to distance herself and improve herself.  Such as first person to graduate college.  Getting an early childhood education degree to learn how to better raise kids... .

15-16 years into marriage a natural disaster forced us from our farm for about 6 months.  Neither one of us "handled" the event really well.  Once paranoia started in, I figured openness and truth was the antidote, it turned out to be invalidating.

So there is truth that I contributed (out of ignorance) to making it worse for a couple years.  

Looking back I can certainly see "hints" of what was to come.  But honestly... .I don't think I can hold my wife or I accountable for "missing things".

What is more important:  Now I do know better.  What I do with that knowledge is critically important to my future... .and by extension... my family.

FF

[defogging]

My situation is also one where she was a great wife... .until she wasn't.  The first six years I was very happy, then it got worse and worse.  Things are slowly getting better as I enforce boundaries, unfortunately it will never go back to the way it was.  I'm much happier now that I've found this site and better understand what I'm dealing with.

I can definitively say that if my W had shown her current behavior at the beginning I would have sprinted out of the burning house.  Now we have three wonderful kids so I can't say I regret the past, I wouldn't have them if I wasn't in this situation.  Now I just need to find us a way out, or find a way to keep the fire smoldering at a low temperature.