Anxiety, stress, and other physiological impacts living with a pwBPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is the continuation of my thread "My husband is in a really bad mood." Thanks for all the suggestions and strategies for dealing with the physiological discomfort of living with a partner with BPD.

For the most part, I'm no longer triggered emotionally, but as I've mentioned elsewhere, being a "highly sensitive" person, I pick up on the "energy waves" emitted by other people, particularly people I love. It's fine when it's upbeat, happy energy, but when it's down-in-the-dumps, angry, aggressive energy, it's quite uncomfortable for me to be around.

Now I'm not getting dysregulated emotionally, and I'm not having an emotional reaction to someone else's externals, rather I feel discomfort in my own body just being around them. My first reaction is to get away (gracefully as much as possible), but there are other times when that is impossible, such as being in a car with them or on an airplane.

It doesn't even have to be when they're acting out--sometimes just "feeling their mood" is enough to make me feel uncomfortable.

Breathing exercises help, such as this one: https://www.drweil.com/videos-features/videos/the-4-7-8-breath-health-benefits-demonstration/ and other suggestions to alleviate stress, such as the one flourdust mentioned: counting 5 things I see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I hear, etc. Also another helpful suggestion from Gettingbetter is holding your breath for 20 seconds while washing your face with cold water.

I think so many of us Nons pay far too much attention to the moods of our significant others and far too less to our own emotional and physiological well being. Let's talk.

[Cat Familiar]

This is the continuation of my thread "My husband is in a really bad mood." Thanks for all the suggestions and strategies for dealing with the physiological discomfort of living with a partner with BPD.

For the most part, I'm no longer triggered emotionally, but as I've mentioned elsewhere, being a "highly sensitive" person, I pick up on the "energy waves" emitted by other people, particularly people I love. It's fine when it's upbeat, happy energy, but when it's down-in-the-dumps, angry, aggressive energy, it's quite uncomfortable for me to be around.

Now I'm not getting dysregulated emotionally, and I'm not having an emotional reaction to someone else's externals, rather I feel discomfort in my own body just being around them. My first reaction is to get away (gracefully as much as possible), but there are other times when that is impossible, such as being in a car with them or on an airplane.

It doesn't even have to be when they're acting out--sometimes just "feeling their mood" is enough to make me feel uncomfortable.

Breathing exercises help, such as this one: https://www.drweil.com/videos-features/videos/the-4-7-8-breath-health-benefits-demonstration/ and other suggestions to alleviate stress, such as the one flourdust mentioned: counting 5 things I see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I hear, etc. Also another helpful suggestion from Gettingbetter is holding your breath for 20 seconds while washing your face with cold water.

I think so many of us Nons pay far too much attention to the moods of our significant others and far too less to our own emotional and physiological well being. Let's talk.

[LightAfterTunnel]

I think so many of us Nons pay far too much attention to the moods of our significant others and far too less to our own emotional and physiological well being. Let's talk.

Right on Cat!

I started seeing my T over 3 years ago. He’s amazing and more so I was lucky because he’s practiced sophrology for many years. After 3 years of breathing and consciousness exercises, I feel like I’m finally listening to my body and understanding how people and energy in general affect myself. Before starting therapy I had frequent problems sleeping or just stress or general tiredness... .now I sleep like a baby and I rarely feel not calm and in control of myself and the situation.

I owe it all to focusing on myself after years of losing who I am.

LAT

[Cat Familiar]

So glad you're finding peacefulness through integrating mind and body, LAT. 

I had never heard of sophrology, so I found a link: www.sophrologycenteronline.com/about-sophrology/what-is-sophrology/

It sounds like a great discipline for those of us who need a little help with the stress of living with a loved one with BPD.

If we don't take care of our own needs for sleep, relaxation, rest, solitude, peace and quiet, we cannot possibly be at our best with anyone, let alone a pwBPD!

[coworkerfriend]

Hi Cat - I appreciate that you started this new thread.  I read the other one and can see myself.  Your insight has been very helpful for me and I am going to try the breathing technique.  I have always felt selfish for thinking of my own needs and health.  I have to change that thinking. 

Thanks for sharing!

[Notwendy]

I hear you Cat- I am a sensitive person too, and being around people who are angry /in a bad mood can be uncomfortable for me.

It is good to be working on this- I have to do this too- not just for a relationship but for anyone around me. Once, a woman in a parking lot got angry at me and started yelling at me. There really was no good reason for this. Someone else may have just shrugged this off and thought she is either crazy or having a bad day and went on with their day. I was in a semi state of shock. I couldn't find my keys, my thinking was muddled- and it lasted about 15 minutes.

I think it is obvious where this came from. Angry parents are very scary to a child and children are helpless and dependent. Fortunately we adults are not- and also we are not in physically abusive relationships. If my BPD mother was angry or in a bad mood- we kids were rightfully scared, but my H in a bad mood is not a real danger to me. Still, the responses we grew up with are how we can react to things and it is good if we can start to relearn them as much as possible.

It may be that we need to do some of our own cognitive behavior therapy- and also some self calming skills as you are doing. I know that I am still working on this. I have sometimes excused myself from a drama situation at home- go take a bath, a walk, and even sleep in another room so I don't feel sensitive to the moods of anyone around me. When I do, I simply say " I think I need to take a break and calm down" . The "I" statement tends to de-escalate better than a "you" one.

The reason I am proposing this is not to have you tolerate a bad situation. Like you, I have chosen to stay in my marriage. I feel very fortunate that it is had been workable- not that the work is easy. I also think some situations are not workable- and that's an individual choice. But you have chosen to stay with your H for some good reasons that work for you and lessening the stress of his moods would be a good thing for you.

[Cat Familiar]

I have always felt selfish for thinking of my own needs and health.  I have to change that thinking. 

Isn't that an amazing revelation! I still have to remind myself that taking care of myself is (for those of you who are religious) my God-given duty and if I don't do that who else is going to? And if I expect someone else to take care of me, that seems really selfish. Ipso facto, I need to take care of myself. Done deal. Who's to argue with that?

[Cat Familiar]

It is good to be working on this- I have to do this too- not just for a relationship but for anyone around me. Once, a woman in a parking lot got angry at me and started yelling at me. There really was no good reason for this. Someone else may have just shrugged this off and thought she is either crazy or having a bad day and went on with their day. I was in a semi state of shock. I couldn't find my keys, my thinking was muddled- and it lasted about 15 minutes.

When I started developing boundaries toward people (other than those close to me), I had a few moments of acting out, which, perhaps were inadvisable, but felt pretty good. One was when a woman at a CVS check-stand in front of me started lambasting the poor young woman who was the cashier. Suddenly I found myself coming to the defense of the checker and telling the woman that her behavior was inappropriate. Another time a man cut me off in traffic and I followed his car to a parking lot in front of a playground and confronted him for not paying attention. (The irony was that he was afraid that I was the "crazy" one since he had his young son in the car with him.)

These incidents were so out of character for me and I realized that I could be putting myself in danger, so I decided that I would be more judicious in the future. But it was really freeing to be able to speak up, something I had been trained by my FOO to never do. It took longer for me to be able to speak up to loved ones. I can do that now, but my boundaries still feel too permeable regarding my husband's moods.

I think it is obvious where this came from. Angry parents are very scary to a child and children are helpless and dependent. Fortunately we adults are not- and also we are not in physically abusive relationships. If my BPD mother was angry or in a bad mood- we kids were rightfully scared, but my H in a bad mood is not a real danger to me. Still, the responses we grew up with are how we can react to things and it is good if we can start to relearn them as much as possible.

Those stimulus/response patterns have been deeply programmed into our nervous systems and it takes time and effort to undo that relationship.

It may be that we need to do some of our own cognitive behavior therapy- and also some self calming skills as you are doing. I know that I am still working on this. I have sometimes excused myself from a drama situation at home- go take a bath, a walk, and even sleep in another room so I don't feel sensitive to the moods of anyone around me. When I do, I simply say " I think I need to take a break and calm down" . The "I" statement tends to de-escalate better than a "you" one.

Yes! It is truly freeing to say that we "need to take a break and calm down" and it is good behavioral modeling for our loved one with BPD!  

[Enabler]

Cat Familiar,

I find making a clear mental distinction between my mood and their mood makes a huge difference. Having a little chat in your head which says "Enabler, any reason why you shouldn't be total cool at the moment?"... ."Hmmmm Nope"... ."Okay, lets put some music on that's going to reflect the mood you want to be in then get silly". Whack on a bit of funk, disco, soulful house music, Elton's Tiny Dancer... .then SING and MOVE YA BODDDDDDY. I think it's Tony Robbins who makes a point of saying that feeling comes from movement and facial expression. If you're in a car and you can't get the radio on then hum or sing in your head, tap those feet!

I have seriously freaked out my W with my use of music to get me uplifted. I am fortunate in as much as I love ALL music and there's almost a weapon for every mood... .Jazz, Classical, Dance, Disco, Christian, Rock, Indi, Soul, Triphop... .the list is never ending which is AWESOME. I find I can literally manipulate myself with music. BUT... .I've also learnt the power of movement... .even if it's a foot tap or head dance.

[Cat Familiar]

I find making a clear mental distinction between my mood and their mood makes a huge difference. Having a little chat in your head which says "Enabler, any reason why you shouldn't be total cool at the moment?"... ."Hmmmm Nope"... ."Okay, lets put some music on that's going to reflect the mood you want to be in then get silly". Whack on a bit of funk, disco, soulful house music, Elton's Tiny Dancer... .then SING and MOVE YA BODDDDDDY. I think it's Tony Robbins who makes a point of saying that feeling comes from movement and facial expression. If you're in a car and you can't get the radio on then hum or sing in your head, tap those feet!

Really good suggestions, Enabler. Thanks. I've also found great relief through music and certain songs have really carried me through very difficult situations. I played Tom Petty's "I won't back down" during my very contentious divorce with the ex-BPD husband and it kept me empowered. And I love to dance, but haven't done that much lately. I was briefly a dance major in college. Good ideas!

My current music du jour is country, which my husband hates! I grew up listening to country music at home. My dad really liked it and I hated most of it then, but now I find it, well some of it, comforting and heartfelt. Some of the lyrics really speak to the human condition and some of the sad love songs  sound like someone has gotten tangled up with a BPD partner.  

The weird thing is that I can still have a totally upbeat mood but I feel those weird BPD vibes emanating from him and it makes my stomach uncomfortable. So probably movement is the key to ridding myself of that discomfiting energy.

[Enabler]

Then you need to turn the music up louder... .MUCH LOUDER... .or change the tune.

Not to invalidate your choice of music with Tom Petty... .BUT (and clearly I'm going to invalidate you now)... .that is about your situation. Choose something which is totally not associated with your situation... .

Black Motion - Rainbow - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmLqWczaTPk
Zano - No Lie - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feJ_7vqOaSw

Today I'm listening to Earth Wind and Fire... .Youtube is awesome for some excellent mixes and hours of music for nothing.

e.g. I dare you not to jiggle to this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zO4Mqj2PrqQ

GET OUT OF IT TO WHERE YOU WANT TO BE NOT WHERE YOU ARE.

[Enabler]

And for me it's not just being into the music, I'm able to transport myself to somewhere else... .e.g.  Zano and Black Motion... .I'm somewhere hot, in a beach bar with a beer or GnT, very very kool white furniture, beautiful happy people around me, my kids are playing nicely, all I can hear is the sea washing ashore, people chatting and the tunes.

I come back to earth with a smile on my face. 

[Cat Familiar]

Enabler--more good suggestions! No feelings of invalidation whatsoever. It's triage. Take care of the wound first (the crazy divorce that I was enduring and needing strength for) and then transport away to a happier place.

I'm somewhere hot, in a beach bar with a beer or GnT, very very kool white furniture, beautiful happy people around me, my kids are playing nicely, all I can hear is the sea washing ashore, people chatting and the tunes.


It's funny but this theme is a recurrent one in contemporary country music. I lived in the tropics a long time ago and I love the carefree vibe!

Thanks for the suggestion of tunes. I love EWF!

[Enabler]

The Thrills - reminds me of Santa Cruz ... .funny that!

Day Wave - I'm pretty sure there's a decent amount of BPD lyrics in this but I find it's good getaway music. Good driving music.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kV-7DbGTxec

For me, when I'm at the beach or by the seaside it's 100% holiday mode. It's my favorite time of year and a time when I can really connect with myself. I leave my emotional backpack at the airport or Eurotunnel... .I can't do anything about it. I know my W notices a difference in me without my burden bag. She is without stress so dysregulates a lot less and I'm less infuriated with her as our desires are more aligned. 

[ozmatoz]

Then you need to turn the music up louder... .MUCH LOUDER... .

YES!

I have driven many different types of vehicle over the years and unfortunately spend far too many hours behind the wheel.  One common thing is that ALL of these vehicles have had or I installed a great sound system.

I too find that I can transform my mood with music, great to hear others can as well.  I listen to just about everything and my Spotify generated play lists would confuse most people... mix of country, pop, rock, edm, house, indie... .

The further the detachments are happening I am finding that my stress has really begun to manifest in physiological ways that are not good.  Music helps... .already looking forward to my LOUD ride home.

-Oz

[formflier]

Music wise... .perhaps switch to an instrumental.  Cat how does you hubby "deal with that".

One of my favorite instrumentals is this.

https://youtu.be/6ZOJ0_sRznM

The mood seems to speed up and slow down a couple times on the way through.  Perhaps it can be "exercise" for you and or your hubby.  I think it would be interesting to see if he gets "uncomfortable" in the soft moments.


FF

[formflier]

Slight thread hijack... . 

If you guys are interested in "my music" from where I grew up... .and where I go for comfort... .

https://youtu.be/goBKrrVvibc


FF

[formflier]

And... back to the point of this thread...

Waking up in the middle of the night "feeling stressed" after a nigh of relationship horror... .

All numbers are with BP meds being taken as directed.


150/98 BP

110/76 BP (this morning after a relaxing night of sleep... .and no "relationship stress" since Thursday.

FF

[Enabler]

Band of Brothers... .what an awesome series. Battle of the bulge... .Bleak.

FF, you NEED to find a way of getting that BP under control. What is your body afraid of that your head is not? The irony is that from what I have read, your wife can hit you with mental hammer blows but she has never tried to physically harm you. I'm no T but you need to tell your body that because your head already consciously knows this. Subconsciously your body is releasing a bucket load of cortisone. You need more Gustav Holst - The Planets (maybe ex Jupiter) and Ave Maria - Schubert... .shut those eyes and let the head glide... .whilst sitting on the veranda smelling the rain. 

Dudes... .this has been an emotional journey this afternoon.   

[Enabler]

Forest Gump intro - tough to beat for emotional journey. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWoUcB7y4hw

[ozmatoz]

Dudes... .this has been an emotional journey this afternoon.   

You ain't kidding.  I find Monday's after spending all weekend together creates some abandonment issues.  Most business here are closed for a holiday, mine is open and I am glad to not be in the house right now... .

[formflier]

  The irony is that from what I have read, your wife can hit you with mental hammer blows but she has never tried to physically harm you. 

Last physical stuff was back in 2014 I think.

2016 there was some blocking of doors and unlocking locked doors to come after me.  By then I firmly knew tools and was able to diffuse and disengage.

One observation... .we have longer and longer periods of time between "episodes".  That is good.

The episodes we still seem to have seem severe... .like pressure builds up and BOOM... ."FF is a blasphemer... ."... .when it is actually projection... .

Sigh...

100% agree... the BP has to be wrangled... .

FF

[lastlight]

There's been a few great suggestions here, thanks. A few things that help me regulate my mind & body:

* Meditation. I use the Headspace meditation app. Check it out. It's the only thing that has kept me consistently with meditation. I find the techniques of Noting and Witnessing very helpful, especially when my Mind plays various dramas of the past or worries about the future.

* RMT Massage, once a month. If you've got extended health benefits, use them. A good massage allows me to de-stress. I meditate during the massage (even if you don't meditate, a good massage will get you there).

* Chinese Acupuncture, once a month. Acupuncture is quite amazing for relieving stress and tension in mind and body. Try it out. If you never done it, no there is no pain involved. It's amazingly gentle.

* Breathwork and Nervous System Regulation Therapy. Check your local yoga or healing wellness centre to see if they offer breath classes. I have been learning intensive deep breathing techniques. They create tingling sensations in the body that reveal and release deeply held emotion. In a guided, personal, one-on-one setting, in what is often called Nervous System Regulation Therapy, I find that breathwork has been the most successful form of treatment. My NSR Therapist is a bit counsellor, a bit of a reiki and touch healer, a bit of a meditation mentor. Our sessions are always different, but always call for me to lie down and undertake deep breathing, while we work through stored trauma in the body.

* Going to the gym. My mind can race a little along with the heartbeat, but the overall health to mind and body is well worth it.

* Flow sports. I am a dedicated skier, mountain biker, road cyclist. There is no room to think of anything else when participating in a sport like this. Surfing, even just hiking or walking — all are able to transport you into the moment, and out of the drama.

* Signing up for retreats and going on them. Whether it's a yoga retreat or meditation, a festival or something else, taking the time out to do self-work allows me to keep positive goals in mind that are entirely focused around my own self-development and self-love.

Take care.

[Enabler]

But your head knows what is going on. How do you find a way of connecting your head and your body... .action, movement. I'm not saying you can do anything about your situation in the event, but your body is struggling to get back to baseline whilst your head is able to. Toni Robbins does some good talks on posture and facial expressions which are directly linked to your "feeling".

I lost 2 stone in 2 months from anxiety, I could not get myself to baseline, music and especially moving to music was pivotal. I basically decide what mood I want and then play the tune to match, and then move head and feet with it. I guess that's why I find rhythmical music preferable.

More music - Dinner Jazz... .Nice... .Grrrreat - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sI_Ps7JSEk

[Cat Familiar]

Fabulous discussions and ideas, everyone. It really can be stressful having a BPD partner and we all need to be mindful to take really good care of ourselves so we have some ability to respond well to external chaos and not feel like we've been hit by a bus.

Something my Neurofeedback therapist suggested to me is to give my "inner child" more playtime. I can be so dutiful and driven and productive, I sometimes forget that I need to play too, to really nourish my soul.

What things can you do for yourself that will provide enjoyment and fulfillment?