online clinics that can deal with BPD?

[i8000b]

Hello,

I didn't know where to post this one, so apologies if I posted it in the wrong place. (Happy holidays in advance )

Long story short, I live with uwBPD, and I'm at the end of my patience, so I want to give it one last shot to see if she is willing to go through therapy or not.

Where we live, there are hardly any clinics, let alone ones specialized or have extensive experience in BPD.
I tried one locally, and it was a horrible experience.

How do I go about selecting a good clinic? Anyone had an experience with that and it succeeded?

Thanks,

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[No-One]

Hi i8000b:
Sorry about your relationship problems and your lack of therapy sources.

Where we live, there are hardly any clinics, let alone ones specialized or have extensive experience in BPD. I tried one locally, and it was a horrible experience.

How many visits did you have with a local source?  Was that person a psychologist or some other type of counselor?  Did you go with your partner?  Did everyone agree with the reason for the sessions (goals for the sessions). Can you describe what went wrong?

BPD rarely stands alone.  What might be some mental health issues you partner struggles with?  Depression?  Anxiety?  Bipolar? Something else?  Has she ever received meds or therapy for any mental health issue?

One common problem with people with BPD (or someone with strong BPD traits) is managing emotions.  Coping skills that are taught through DBT Therapy can be helpful  You might want to explore the resources at the following website:  www.dbtselfhelp.com/

I believe I read that you live outside of the U.S.  Instead of trying to get your arms around therapy for BPD, perhaps you can focus on aspects of the problem.  Starting with management and coping skills for one issue, can lead to some improvement in other areas.  Management in one of the following area could offer some relief:  anxiety, depression, management of emotions, and communication and coping skills.

Does your partner want to get help?

[i8000b]

Sorry for the late reply... .life is rough.

We went with one, who was a 'marriage therapist'. I don't even know where to begin how things went wrong, but I guess we both didn't have an agreement on the goal of the therapy.
What happened is that my wife could not handle what I said that she has a complete mental breakdown that took over half an hour to recover from. It was my first time to see someone have a mental breakdown. She reverted to a child-like self, couldn't even stand up, hands shaking... .
That unprofessional therapist played us both (the therapist would tell me things, and would tell my wife other things, and then tried to pitch the whole thing as: oh you two love each other, work it out) it was the most lame unprofessional way of doing therapy I've ever seen.

I called in a national landline which points to your next question: I'm guessing she has anxiety... .she is always worried, always afraid, and have nightmares every single day. I don't recall bipolar symptoms, or depression, but mostly anxiety and cognitive dissonance especially around her identity.

I found a Dr. who treats BPD with schema therapy, but the problem is that it is in another city that require 2-hour flight time... .
I agree with you, I should open my mind to another possibility of a Dr. who at least can help with this, but it is difficult to find.

Does she wants help?
She agreed that the only way forward is for "both of us" to get professional help. This is our last resort to fix this relationship, because she loves me and she can't continue a broken relationship (which I agree too as well).

I'm not too hopeful... .what are the chances she'll stick through with therapy and exercises for improvement? Time will tell.

I got better on communication, so for now... I'm having much less of major breakdowns, but the everyday sudden-mood swings that kills any love in the air still happens, and I feel I'm trapped.

I had an honest discussion with a close relative I respect, and it hit me that I'm... .deluding myself that this will work, and that I'm in denial... .
My own life situation is complicated, so I think I'm trying to slow down the inevitable.

[No-One]

I found a Dr. who treats BPD with schema therapy, but the problem is that it is in another city that require 2-hour flight time... . 

That doesn't sound workable.  It's tough enough to get someone to go to therapy, when it's around the corner.

Perhaps you both start your own individual therapy for now, with some individual goals.  You might have a goal to learn how to deal with your wife's mood swings and perhaps learn or refine some of your communication skills/strategy to use with her

I'm guessing she has anxiety... .she is always worried, always afraid, and have nightmares every single day. I don't recall bipolar symptoms, or depression, but mostly anxiety and cognitive dissonance especially around her identity.

Has she tried any antidepressants for anxiety?  They can take a few weeks to kick in, but they can help tame the worrying and being afraid.  Generally, a primary care doctor will prescribe them.

Can you speculate about her identity issues?

Perhaps your wife could start some solo therapy, to specifically address her anxiety issues. I'm thinking that most therapists can address anxiety management.   Therapists who don't practice DBT therapy, can likely offer some similar strategies.

I had an honest discussion with a close relative I respect, and it hit me that I'm... .deluding myself that this will work, and that I'm in denial... .
My own life situation is complicated, so I think I'm trying to slow down the inevitable.

Sounds like you need to take care of yourself right now and whatever else is complicating your life.  Can you explore some options for some therapy for you?  

[Skip]

I found a Dr. who treats BPD with schema therapy, but the problem is that it is in another city that require 2-hour flight time... .

Maybe you could fly out there to meet him, do an assessment, and then contnue by Skype.

I did CBT with about 30% via Skype. You miss some body language, but it is pretty good.

[i8000b]

Can you speculate about her identity issues?

Sounds like you need to take care of yourself right now and whatever else is complicating your life.  Can you explore some options for some therapy for you?  

I'll address those two points:

She reached out to me to confess that she feels lost; she sounded like a child or a puppy... .i tried to listen to her but she is not that good at expressing herself or at being articulate. My speculation is that she frequently doesn't feel a sense of belonging... .it is often when things don't go well at work (which is frequent as well, and her work is kind of like her life in a way) anxiety kicks in, she feels afraid, she feels she might lose her job (which is not possible at all, they depend on her a lot), she doesn't feel good about the work environment (which it isn't that good), which triggers the black/white thinking (directs her anger at person X or Y, that they are absolutely horrible, but can the next day work with them and say they are decent).
I can also add to this speculation is that she is a 'people pleaser', and she lacks her own boundaries or self-definition and worth, so the higher conflict there is at work (where she spends most of her time) the more she stretches herself and thus feels "lost".


As for me, I could perhaps use more "coaching" than therapy, or both? The thing is I cannot afford it.
While my wife enjoy a very high-paying job so she can afford therapy easily, I'm a freelancer and barely right now pay the bills and bring food to the table (thus fulfilling my role as a 'provider'. I don't touch her money and we don't have common budget or goal, and we can't have one and this is part of the conflict... .from experience, talking about money or financial stuff easily trigger her. We can't even hold a 5 minute discussion without her being triggered (too emotional, aggressive, uses personal attacks, lack of rational thinking). I attributed that as one of the side-effects of being BPD, that fear of losing control is huge.
In her case, she is highly impulsive, typically buy things when she feels down on impulse, cannot absolutely even put a basic budget in place no matter how much I tried to help her do it, and generally she is poor in planning in almost all aspects of life (the burden thus fall on me to do that).

In a way, being a life-coach and high on emotional intelligence is lucky, else I honestly don't see how anyone can put up with all of this. I have been driven crazy and without these tools, I feel for anyone in such position.

On the other points:

- No she didn't try any anti-anxiety meds. She hardly recognizes her own... .issues. She doesn't see anything wrong with her, although she did admit only recently that she has issues with managing her emotions (as in, she lets her emotions get the better of her and she becomes aggressive), but she still goes back and relents that "it is because you of", "you hurt me, so I do this" <-- her most repeated phrase.

- I'd love to have therapy for myself, but yeah... .if only I could afford it.

[i8000b]

Maybe you could fly out there to meet him, do an assessment, and then contnue by Skype.

I did CBT with about 30% via Skype. You miss some body language, but it is pretty good.

That sounds like an option. I'll call him up and see if he agrees. Thanks

Would you say CBT is useful though to BPD?