BPDw hates my mom

[Greencane]

Hi everyone, I’m posting today for general thoughts, advice, camaraderie, commiseration, etc.

I’ve been married for three years, one of our marriage therapists diagnosed her with BPD and told me in a one-on-one session, but not sure how much she knows or admits to. She is a mental health counselor herself, and specializes in treating traumatized kids (ironic, right?)

We’re in a crisis now, and it’s been escalating for the last few months. This one is all about my family, my mother, particularly. My wife’s mother abandoned her when she was young and her subsequent stepmother treated her like garbage, too. Likely the root of her BPD. I know I’m biased but my mother is great. Certainly not perfect but pretty damned amazing. She’s been a constant source of love, affection, support, and security through my whole life. When my wife and I initially started dating and then even more when we got engaged they were close. My dream was that my mother could serve as the mother that she never had. And for a while it looked like that. My mom took her wedding dress shopping, flew her bridesmaids down to Florida for a shower, etc. Things started to sour 2 summers ago when she got drunk and got into a verbal argument with some of my family at the dinner table. My mom expressed some concerns to me at that point about her drinking and about her general level of anger and volatility, this was not the first time she had seen it, just the most explosive. As I was getting yelled at over the next few days by my wife for not supporting her during this family argument I made the mistake of sharing my mom’s concerns with my wife. And that was what seemed to flip the switch. It seems that, since then, my mom has been the enemy. Our arguments became about how my mother was disrespectful and rude to her and how I didn’t protect her from these assaults. Evidence for this would be things like my mom saying to another family member when our baby was crying, “Oh, I’m sorry about all the noise.” Or the fact that my mom gave us a set of white sheets for Christmas last year. Or the fact that my mom didn’t have any of my wife’s favorite wine when we came to visit (“She’s not buying any because she thinks I’m an alcoholic”) and then again when a whole case of her favorite wine came the next day (“What’s she trying to say by buying a whole case? Nobody could drink a whole case in the time that we’re here” She did, by the way.) All things that were totally bewildering to me but when I didn’t share or support her perceptions I became the enemy too. This whole thing has significantly affected my relationship with my mom, too. Last summer I had to ask her to stay at home when my wife and I went to my brother’s house for dinner, and we had to cancel our trip to Florida to see my mom for Christmas this year. Thankfully, my mom can see what’s going on and what I’m dealing with and can look past my occasional throwing her under the bus.

So recently, things were pretty bad around Christmas but then my wife’s switch flipped again and things were great between us for about a week or so. Lots of affection, lots of sex, closeness, etc. Then my mom sent us the Christmas presents that we couldn’t get in person since we cancelled that trip and things went to hell again. My mom, having been pretty hurt by the way my wife turned on her, wasn’t quite sure what to get so got her a book and made a donation to a UN children’s charity in her name. “What a slap in the face! How impersonal. She only did that so she could write it off on her taxes. I don’t think she even made a donation, where’s the receipt?” I try not to invalidate her perceptions and support her emotions when she gets like this but simple support is never enough, she always wants me to call my mom and tell her off or do other damaging things like cancelling our trip. So when I was unable to validate her perceptions that my mom hates and disrespects her things got really bad again.

So “really bad” for me looks like this: a lot of the silent treatment but a fair amount of rude comments, big increase in amount of criticism, taking off her ring, turning off location sharing and read receipts in text messages, when I ask a question like is it ok for me to put away dinner, responses like “I don’t care what you do.” Lots of references to how our marriage is on its last leg, she can’t live like this, why don’t I divorce her, etc. No physical violence and not much overt conflict in front of the kids (S7, who is hers with split custody, and D2, ours).

This is our fifth year together so I have come a long, long way in how to deal with her and her moods. It takes a lot of work but I keep telling myself that her words say more about her than they do about me; that hiding in there is a terrified little girl who feels abandoned; that she is probably suffering more than I am. I rarely engage when she’s being rude or insulting. When I can, I just go somewhere else; when the kids are around I just ignore her words as much as I can. I try to set limits on what I will tolerate but it’s harder when I don’t want to leave the kids. Today she said that she’s going to take the kids to a hotel to get them out of this toxic environment. I agree, the environment is toxic, but she’s the only one making it so. I told her that her leaving would be fine, but taking the kids seems unnecessarily disruptive to them. I also said that she needs to tell me where she’s going since I’m the father of our daughter. She bucked at that and I eventually said that I would call the police if I had to. She finally relented and told me where she had made a reservation. That’s a limit of mine, if she takes our kids somewhere I want to know where, I was a little proud of myself for sticking to that. I need to take it when I can get it.

All in all I’m trying to not get too rattled. Getting caught up in her drama rarely does us any good, despite how much it pisses her off that I don’t seem to quaking in my boots at her mention of divorce. I think I’m doing pretty well. I’m reaching out for some support from my friends and taking care of myself. If we do get divorced it won’t be the end of the world, actually I realize that I will probably be happier, but I vowed to support her in sickness and in health so, for now, she would need to pull that trigger.

It’s just so frustrating watching her pattern of relationships. She will allow someone into her life and things will be ok until she sees some kind of imperfection, usually something that she interprets asa rejection of some kind, and then that person is gone. She pushes them away. I’ve watched it happen with all of her family, some of my family, her friends, her coworkers, and that’s the same pattern that happens with us. We’re good until she interprets something I say or do as rejection and then she pushes and pushes me away. The only difference is that I don’t go anywhere and eventually she cools down and we make up. Not sure about this time, this is the longest that we’ve ever been this bad, but what will be will be. I’ll be fine regardless, I worry most about the kids.

So that’s my rambling story, it has features that I have seen in post after post in this group, and that’s why I’m writing it. I don’t have any specific questions, it just helps for me to put this out there into a community of people going through the same types of issues. Just reading about other peoples’ experiences helps me so much. It helps me feel less lonely and isolated and it’s grounding. It’s so easy to lose your bearings when you’re surrounded by crazy, this group helps me find north.

Thanks, friends.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Notwendy]

I made the mistake of sharing my mom’s concerns with my wife.

We don't know what we don't know- until we know it.

These scenario is so common that it is predictable. If you go on the posts for people struggling with a parent or family member with BPD- there are several posts from grieving mothers with sons who have cut them off because their wives don't like them. Their sadness is evident. It seems so cruel. No mother is perfect, but these mothers don't deserve being cut off from the sons they put their love and care into, all due to their BPD wives.

I will advise you to become familiar with the drama triangle. Your wife takes victim mode. She expects you to be rescuer, and I suspect you have taken on this role many times. Your wife was OK with your mother when your mother paid attention to her and didn't seem to be "on" to your wife's behavior. But she knows know that mother is---- and now, your mother is in persecutor position.

Your wife puts you into a position to choose- her or your mother. Sadly- this has led to sons cutting off their relationship with their mothers.

My own experience with this is thankfully not in my marriage but from my parents with the same dynamics. I witnessed similar behavior as your wife has done with you between my parents ( BPD mother)  However, as a child, I didn't know better and I was not allowed to discuss it or being it up. The rule in my FOO was that "mother is normal" and no one is to let on that they think otherwise. I went along with this to keep the peace until circumstances led to me speaking up.

BPD mother sees people as being on her side or not her side. My father had to choose. He chose her. I learned later from family members on his side that he did the same thing with his FOO. They could not stand my mother and it was mutual. With my mother so long as she thinks someone is unaware (or won't challenge) her behaviors, she will maintain a relationship with them. But if someone is "on" to her, then she sees them as not on her side.

I don't know a solution. I can say from experience that being cut off from a father, or a son is a very sad and difficult situation. It made it easier to understand from the drama triangle perspective, but the parent-child bond is special. Yes, when people get married that bond takes priority, but in a healthy bond, that love makes room for parents and children too.

[Notwendy]

IMHO, if you value your relationship with your mother, I would have a boundary on these kinds of discussions. Your wife may feel she is being a victim to your mother but that isn't true. You can not control her feelings - she feels what she feels and to argue your point is invalidating them.

You don't have to validate what isn't true, but neither do you have to cut off your relationship with your mother to keep the peace. Your wife may not like it, and she may make this difficult, but if you value the relationship, you will need to uphold your right to have a relationship with your mother.

This may mean you visit on your own, or with the kids (if you have them) but don't expect your wife to visit with you. Or you send the kids to visit sometimes ( if your wife would agree with this). Some women do not let their kids visit their in laws if they are angry at them.

It has to be a non- negotiable for you. It is a basic right for you to stay connected to your parents if you wish to be- with respect for the marital bond. I am not talking about the rare situation where an adult child does not separate from their parents- that isn't usually the case,  but parents treasure a relationship with their grown children and you don't have to cause all of you sadness by letting go of this special bond.

[PeteWitsend]

Greencane -

I've been there, done that.

I've resigned myself to the fact that the holidays will always suck.  no matter what my mom does or doesn't do, my wife is going to cause drama.

mom gets her a present? =  it's cheap, or intentionally the wrong size.
mom sends her a gift card so she can buy her own clothes? =  she's impersonal and cold.

mom wants to visit?  = she's invading our privacy
mom doesn't come for a visit? = she's selfish

similar to your case, my wife & mom started out pretty great together.  I can even look back on cards or letters my mom sent my wife, saying how proud she was to have her as a DIL & welcoming her to the family.  yet according to uBPDw my mom "ALWAYS hated" her. 

my wife seems to have a lot of trust issues generally, something my own in-laws have fueled with their own paranoia and frequent infidelity in their marriage, so I see her antagonism toward my mom as an extension of that.  She's another woman vying for attention.  She doesn't share the same concerns/anger toward my dad, even though he's come to visit us less, missed my wife's bday, gotten her lousy presents, etc. 

[Notwendy]

PeteWitsend-
If it makes you feel any better, the complaining about gifts isn't with just a MIL although she may be the one at the moment. It is with anyone painted black at the time. When we were kids, we excitedly cooked my BPD mother breakfast in bed on Mother's Day and all she said was a complaint about how we made a mess in the kitchen. If she got flowers, they were "dead". A present wasn't what she wanted. And not even all with gifts- once she sent me to the store for soup- and it was the wrong noodles. A sibling bought the wrong brand of acetominophen... .etc.

I have been the black child mostly and since my early teens.  My mother is also critical of my father's sister. I think the other woman vyying for attention makes sense, but it is also an odd idea. What daughter doesn't want attention from her dad and a brother-sister bond is strong, but neither are competition for marital love. Sadly, I think the idea that it is is based on insecurity.

I think the issue with the gifts is projection. They fear they are not good enough. If they feel they are not good enough or flawed, then the way they see the gifts might reflect that to them.

[Greencane]

Thank you, everyone, for the replies!

I agree, I'm at a place now where I can say that I'm not going to sacrifice my relationship with my mother anymore, and my wife will have to deal with it. I am planning on scheduling another trip to see her and I would love to take the kids, but we'll see how much acting out that stirs up.

As always, it's comforting to feel less alone, so thank you for sharing your own stories and offering advice.

[TurbanCowboy]

Hi everyone, I’m posting today for general thoughts, advice, camaraderie, commiseration, etc.

I’ve been married for three years, one of our marriage therapists diagnosed her with BPD and told me in a one-on-one session, but not sure how much she knows or admits to. She is a mental health counselor herself, and specializes in treating traumatized kids (ironic, right?)

We’re in a crisis now, and it’s been escalating for the last few months. This one is all about my family, my mother, particularly. My wife’s mother abandoned her when she was young and her subsequent stepmother treated her like garbage, too. Likely the root of her BPD. I know I’m biased but my mother is great. Certainly not perfect but pretty damned amazing. She’s been a constant source of love, affection, support, and security through my whole life. When my wife and I initially started dating and then even more when we got engaged they were close. My dream was that my mother could serve as the mother that she never had. And for a while it looked like that. My mom took her wedding dress shopping, flew her bridesmaids down to Florida for a shower, etc. Things started to sour 2 summers ago when she got drunk and got into a verbal argument with some of my family at the dinner table. My mom expressed some concerns to me at that point about her drinking and about her general level of anger and volatility, this was not the first time she had seen it, just the most explosive. As I was getting yelled at over the next few days by my wife for not supporting her during this family argument I made the mistake of sharing my mom’s concerns with my wife. And that was what seemed to flip the switch. It seems that, since then, my mom has been the enemy. Our arguments became about how my mother was disrespectful and rude to her and how I didn’t protect her from these assaults. Evidence for this would be things like my mom saying to another family member when our baby was crying, “Oh, I’m sorry about all the noise.” Or the fact that my mom gave us a set of white sheets for Christmas last year. Or the fact that my mom didn’t have any of my wife’s favorite wine when we came to visit (“She’s not buying any because she thinks I’m an alcoholic”) and then again when a whole case of her favorite wine came the next day (“What’s she trying to say by buying a whole case? Nobody could drink a whole case in the time that we’re here” She did, by the way.) All things that were totally bewildering to me but when I didn’t share or support her perceptions I became the enemy too. This whole thing has significantly affected my relationship with my mom, too. Last summer I had to ask her to stay at home when my wife and I went to my brother’s house for dinner, and we had to cancel our trip to Florida to see my mom for Christmas this year. Thankfully, my mom can see what’s going on and what I’m dealing with and can look past my occasional throwing her under the bus.

So recently, things were pretty bad around Christmas but then my wife’s switch flipped again and things were great between us for about a week or so. Lots of affection, lots of sex, closeness, etc. Then my mom sent us the Christmas presents that we couldn’t get in person since we cancelled that trip and things went to hell again. My mom, having been pretty hurt by the way my wife turned on her, wasn’t quite sure what to get so got her a book and made a donation to a UN children’s charity in her name. “What a slap in the face! How impersonal. She only did that so she could write it off on her taxes. I don’t think she even made a donation, where’s the receipt?” I try not to invalidate her perceptions and support her emotions when she gets like this but simple support is never enough, she always wants me to call my mom and tell her off or do other damaging things like cancelling our trip. So when I was unable to validate her perceptions that my mom hates and disrespects her things got really bad again.

So “really bad” for me looks like this: a lot of the silent treatment but a fair amount of rude comments, big increase in amount of criticism, taking off her ring, turning off location sharing and read receipts in text messages, when I ask a question like is it ok for me to put away dinner, responses like “I don’t care what you do.” Lots of references to how our marriage is on its last leg, she can’t live like this, why don’t I divorce her, etc. No physical violence and not much overt conflict in front of the kids (S7, who is hers with split custody, and D2, ours).

This is our fifth year together so I have come a long, long way in how to deal with her and her moods. It takes a lot of work but I keep telling myself that her words say more about her than they do about me; that hiding in there is a terrified little girl who feels abandoned; that she is probably suffering more than I am. I rarely engage when she’s being rude or insulting. When I can, I just go somewhere else; when the kids are around I just ignore her words as much as I can. I try to set limits on what I will tolerate but it’s harder when I don’t want to leave the kids. Today she said that she’s going to take the kids to a hotel to get them out of this toxic environment. I agree, the environment is toxic, but she’s the only one making it so. I told her that her leaving would be fine, but taking the kids seems unnecessarily disruptive to them. I also said that she needs to tell me where she’s going since I’m the father of our daughter. She bucked at that and I eventually said that I would call the police if I had to. She finally relented and told me where she had made a reservation. That’s a limit of mine, if she takes our kids somewhere I want to know where, I was a little proud of myself for sticking to that. I need to take it when I can get it.

All in all I’m trying to not get too rattled. Getting caught up in her drama rarely does us any good, despite how much it pisses her off that I don’t seem to quaking in my boots at her mention of divorce. I think I’m doing pretty well. I’m reaching out for some support from my friends and taking care of myself. If we do get divorced it won’t be the end of the world, actually I realize that I will probably be happier, but I vowed to support her in sickness and in health so, for now, she would need to pull that trigger.

It’s just so frustrating watching her pattern of relationships. She will allow someone into her life and things will be ok until she sees some kind of imperfection, usually something that she interprets asa rejection of some kind, and then that person is gone. She pushes them away. I’ve watched it happen with all of her family, some of my family, her friends, her coworkers, and that’s the same pattern that happens with us. We’re good until she interprets something I say or do as rejection and then she pushes and pushes me away. The only difference is that I don’t go anywhere and eventually she cools down and we make up. Not sure about this time, this is the longest that we’ve ever been this bad, but what will be will be. I’ll be fine regardless, I worry most about the kids.

So that’s my rambling story, it has features that I have seen in post after post in this group, and that’s why I’m writing it. I don’t have any specific questions, it just helps for me to put this out there into a community of people going through the same types of issues. Just reading about other peoples’ experiences helps me so much. It helps me feel less lonely and isolated and it’s grounding. It’s so easy to lose your bearings when you’re surrounded by crazy, this group helps me find north.

Thanks, friends.

Been there done that.

In my case my sister became public enemy #1.

My sister/husband hosted us for countless holidays and family gatherings, paid for a vacation rental, rented a restaurant for her baby shower, hosted us at a townhome they had at a remote location, supplied us with quality hand me downs for our son, etc. They went on a bachelorette party together for my brother’s wife, my sister mentioned something my wife said about me while they were together and when I confronted my wife about it she lost it. Called my sister a liar, she’s a loser, needs to get a life, she’s bored, she’s trying to destroy our marriage, etc. We had just come off a major argument where my wife tried to sabotage my brother’s wedding where I was the best man.  Because of this my wife also hated my sister because of the “timing” of this coming to my attention, she believes my sister did this intentionally. Meanwhile my sister was oblivious to the fact that we had been having problems because I almost never communicate with my sister. 

Unfortunately, like in so many other examples, I couldn’t reason with my wife and get her to see how flawed her logic was. If my sister wanted us to divorce and our son to grow up in a broken home, why would she do all these other countless generous things for us when we aren’t really reciprocating. Nothing I said matter, she only care that I didn’t tell my sister to F off and to mind her own business.

My wife never got over this and constantly reminded me about how much she hated my sister. Just so unhealthy and immature.

A comment also got back to my wife from another family member that maybe she should take depression medication and that sparked an awful reaction as well.

The woman is in total denial.

Meanwhile her mother was a divisive influence in our marriage and did my wife ever have my back with her or give me my place? Never

[Greencane]

Been there done that.

In my case my sister became public enemy #1.

My sister/husband hosted us for countless holidays and family gatherings, paid for a vacation rental, rented a restaurant for her baby shower, hosted us at a townhome they had at a remote location, supplied us with quality hand me downs for our son, etc. They went on a bachelorette party together for my brother’s wife, my sister mentioned something my wife said about me while they were together and when I confronted my wife about it she lost it. Called my sister a liar, she’s a loser, needs to get a life, she’s bored, she’s trying to destroy our marriage, etc. We had just come off a major argument where my wife tried to sabotage my brother’s wedding where I was the best man.  Because of this my wife also hated my sister because of the “timing” of this coming to my attention, she believes my sister did this intentionally. Meanwhile my sister was oblivious to the fact that we had been having problems because I almost never communicate with my sister. 

Unfortunately, like in so many other examples, I couldn’t reason with my wife and get her to see how flawed her logic was. If my sister wanted us to divorce and our son to grow up in a broken home, why would she do all these other countless generous things for us when we aren’t really reciprocating. Nothing I said matter, she only care that I didn’t tell my sister to F off and to mind her own business.

My wife never got over this and constantly reminded me about how much she hated my sister. Just so unhealthy and immature.

A comment also got back to my wife from another family member that maybe she should take depression medication and that sparked an awful reaction as well.

The woman is in total denial.

Meanwhile her mother was a divisive influence in our marriage and did my wife ever have my back with her or give me my place? Never

Wow! It's crazy to me how totally different people will act out patterns in their relationships that are so freaking similar.

Thanks for sharing that, it really does help.

[TurbanCowboy]

Wow! It's crazy to me how totally different people will act out patterns in their relationships that are so freaking similar.

Thanks for sharing that, it really does help.

When I finally leased an apartment to begin our separation we kind of had a last moment living together the day before Thanksgiving, she was leaving to see her mother and it would be the final time we would be in the home together. As she was walking out the door she told me she doesn’t hate me, but she does hate my sister.

My sister never had anything to do with our marriage.  I could count on two fingers the amount of times I would speak to my sister 1 on 1 over the phone in a given year and her opinion on anything related to my marriage didn’t matter to me, but for whatever reason my wife was convinced that my sister was influencing my decision making. It was those kinds of baseless accusations over the course of a 10 year committed relationship that burned me out.

We bought a home in March. It needed a few touches, but not many. When I asked when she’d like to invite her cousin and husband down for a weekend she said not till we had put this built in cabinet in the living room. Later on we would get in a figh and she would tell me that all I care about is the house and that I won’t have my own family visit until this cabinet was finished.

Ughh? Hello?

Of course, my wife never remember’s making the comment she made about her cousin which means it’s never possible for me to hold her accountable.

[Notwendy]

I am glad you are continuing your relationship with your mother. If you read the posts on the family board from mothers whose sons have cut off contact because of their BPD wife, you will see the sadness and heartbreak they feel- and although no parent is perfect, few parents do anything so horrendous to deserve that.

One piece of advice- do not repeat anything your mother says to your wife. Nothing- ever. Keep that relationship separate. Of course your wife will ask- and reply generic things such as " she asked about you and the kids". I am not suggesting that you lie- most likely your mother will ask about your wife and kids. But if she tells you anything in confidence- keep it in confidence. The main reason is not to be witholding but to avoid triangulation and the drama triangle.

One of my BPD mother's fears is that people who are "on " to her will talk about her to someone else. So she listened in on my father's phone calls with me, read my e mails which I think he handed over to her, as she would mention them to me. I understand why she has these fears, but also because she does this. Triangulation is a technique to feel a bond between two people- and it is a comfortable bond when both people are bonded and looking at a common "persecutor" rather than at their own issues. When your wife places your mother in "persecutor" position, she takes victim mode and expects you to be "rescuer".  Just keep a third person out of this.

My mother has a common pattern of taking someone aside to tell some kind of mean secret about me to them, then ask them not to tell me. Often the "secret" isn't true but then the two of them may be connected this way and I am out of the loop. How do I know she does this? Because she even tries it with my husband! ( and he tells me). Your wife may fear that you and your mother are sharing secrets about her behind her back.

One of the things I practice with BPD mother is avoid the triangle. She may try to bring up a sibling- and my response is the same. "I don't wish to talk behind a family member's back" and it stops.

Boundaries help here. If your wife brings up your mother  " I understand you don't like her, but I don't want to talk about her behind her back" may be difficult to say, but it can be a boundary for her and any other family members.

It is probably best to not confide all your marital issues with your mother, but also don't isolate yourself from support. She probably knows the picture anyway. But she can't be objective. A good therapist can see the whole picture.

[TurbanCowboy]

I am glad you are continuing your relationship with your mother. If you read the posts on the family board from mothers whose sons have cut off contact because of their BPD wife, you will see the sadness and heartbreak they feel- and although no parent is perfect, few parents do anything so horrendous to deserve that.

One piece of advice- do not repeat anything your mother says to your wife. Nothing- ever. Keep that relationship separate. Of course your wife will ask- and reply generic things such as " she asked about you and the kids". I am not suggesting that you lie- most likely your mother will ask about your wife and kids. But if she tells you anything in confidence- keep it in confidence. The main reason is not to be witholding but to avoid triangulation and the drama triangle.

One of my BPD mother's fears is that people who are "on " to her will talk about her to someone else. So she listened in on my father's phone calls with me, read my e mails which I think he handed over to her, as she would mention them to me. I understand why she has these fears, but also because she does this. Triangulation is a technique to feel a bond between two people- and it is a comfortable bond when both people are bonded and looking at a common "persecutor" rather than at their own issues. When your wife places your mother in "persecutor" position, she takes victim mode and expects you to be "rescuer".  Just keep a third person out of this.

My mother has a common pattern of taking someone aside to tell some kind of mean secret about me to them, then ask them not to tell me. Often the "secret" isn't true but then the two of them may be connected this way and I am out of the loop. How do I know she does this? Because she even tries it with my husband! ( and he tells me). Your wife may fear that you and your mother are sharing secrets about her behind her back.

One of the things I practice with BPD mother is avoid the triangle. She may try to bring up a sibling- and my response is the same. "I don't wish to talk behind a family member's back" and it stops.

Boundaries help here. If your wife brings up your mother  " I understand you don't like her, but I don't want to talk about her behind her back" may be difficult to say, but it can be a boundary for her and any other family members.

It is probably best to not confide all your marital issues with your mother, but also don't isolate yourself from support. She probably knows the picture anyway. But she can't be objective. A good therapist can see the whole picture.

Completely agree with this and had I understood BPD 3 years ago I would never have mentioned what my sister had said to my wife.

From that put my sister was the persecutor and wife was the victim.

When the stuff hit the fan in August in my relationship I spent a weekend at my sister’s and vented.  At this point divorce was asked for, my wife claimed she had an attorney. My sister sent my wife a text that did sound like she was lecturing her to a degree.

I went home later that weekend did something special for my wife to remind her why we shouldn’t waste 10 years. I worked on it for hours, spent hundreds of dollars. When my wife came home she became emotional and when we started to talk all she wanted to do was talk about my sister’s text message. Not us, our son, what I did, my sister. I remember standing there as she was a snot nosed mess crying thinking, “wow, there’s a real problem here. Why is this text message such a big deal?”

In an effort to give my wife her place I did get on my sister because I didn’t authorize the text. I sent her a back and forth I had with my sister to show that I had her back. Didn’t matter.

[PeteWitsend]

I definitely wish I would've known about BPD earlier in my marriage.  whether or not my wife would be diagnosed with it, she definitely shares about 90% of the characteristics.

I saw red flags when we were dating and early in our marriage for sure, but there was always an excuse in my mind.  for example, we found out she was pregnant soon after we got married.  On top of that, she had to take exams for her profession, she was an immigrant on a student visa, and we were buying a house.  All that in year 1 of marriage. 

it was a lot, and I attributed her outbursts and controlling behavior as related solely to her anxiety at the time. In that time, I definitely screwed up by telling my wife some concerns my mom had expressed to me regarding my wife's spending habits.  Oops.

later that year, my wife had her first blow up at my mom during a visit for our son's 1st bday.  all week before the visit my wife had been making snide remarks about my mom.  so when my mom finally got there, and teh wife started doing it again, I made the unforgiveable mistake of telling my wife to shut up.  She went off the rails then, and her relationship with my mom was permanently fraught from that day on.  I didn't "stand by her side"... .I "loved my mom more" (or worse accusations from wife), etc. etc.

Later that week, my mom and her fiancée went out for dinner and my wife told me it was awful she didn't want to spend time with her grandson.  when I tried to defend my mom and explain it was just one night and they needed some time alone, wife went hysterical, screaming at me for "always taking my mom's side," ran into the shower and started sobbing out loud, for basically the whole house to hear.

yeah... .it's pretty much been like that ever since.  wife is generally less emotional, but I attribute some of that to learning to walk more carefully around these issues.  ON EGGSHELLS... .if you will.  It's definitely resulted in my mom seeing me and our kids a lot less than she'd like to.

and on the flip side, her mom is coming to live with us in a couple months. 

the second that goes sour, (and knowing my MIL, it will fairly quickly) I'm not going to tolerate it after all I've been put through.