when it's this bad

We are all about 40 yrs. My 'girlfriend' (i'll call her 'V' and i just broke up. I spent about a month being a psychopath in response to that. Everything from threats to insults to obsessive constant calling, begging. This is the first day I think in the last month that I haven't tried to contact her.

We had been together 7 years. For the last year or two she has pretty regularly 'dumped' me about every third Monday of the month but we would be back together in a couple days. She abuses alcohol. it causes her to have black outs and aggressive behavior. This is the longest period of silence (the last 24 hours) between us in almost 7 years. I'm devastated.

She comes off as doing well, making positive changes and being completely over me and everything we had; and in the last few days expressingly hating me and wanting me to die. She has called my mother to try to get me to stop contacting her. I met her at work, she was married, we started the affair and she was busted by her husband. Her marriage further deteriorated and I think against her wishes she divorced. early on in the divorce process I tried to break away, I couldn't cope with the guilt I felt for being a part of this, she had two small children.

She explicitly told me that she could never be with me so I told her i was going to start dating, one denial led to another and I found myself still seeing this v and now in a relationship with a very very good person, I'll call her M. Now M doesn't have any BPD. She is mentally fit to an extent. I never lost my feelings for V and I decided to marry M. I married her for many reasons: I was getting older and I wanted children & V was clearly done having kids, V said she didn't want me although she never stopped seeing me, If I were to marry M maybe V would begin to change her mind. Needless to say M and I married, and for me it was for the wrong reasons. I didn't love her, I respected her (and I'm sure your sighing at that one) as in I found her to be a better person than myself, and her sanity, her sober lifestyle, her outgoing personality I thought would all be good things for me and good things for children.

I called v on my wedding day admitting I was making a mistake. So M and I married, we honey mooned and V continued to be my mistriss. I never caught V 'cheating' on me but I'm pretty sure she has although she claims not to have. For 5 more years, during that time I had 3 children with M, V and I continued to see each other, talk every day. I swear to myself I was capible of leaving M at anytime for good if I could just get V to say she wanted to be with me for a reasonable amount of time (and I'm talking here like as week or two). Our pattern was she would profess her love for me or her desire to be exclusivle with me, it would last two days, I wouldn't change anything about my situation and then she would be talking to me like I'm dog ___. For the most part M didn't know but occasionaly like once ayuear IO would mess up, V would surface and it would cause a strain but we swept it under the rug.



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