Concern about grandchildren, BPD DIL

[Bee Crocker]

Our DIL with BPD traits has cut off communication with us and we’re concerned about how her behavior is affecting our grandsons, aged 2 and 5. Our son, her husband and the father of the boys, has asked us to communicate only through him and he will not discuss his wife with us. He wants us to leave them alone, rarely communicates with us and then only by text.

She seems to expect her small children to give her emotional support. A social media post from her recently described how her 2 year old told her he hated her and how hurt she felt. She said in the post that she responded by telling him he should never say that to her without a good reason. Further, she commented on how difficult parenting is. The tone was despondency.

I know she fights with our son and other family members in front of the boys. I know she has told the boys to f... .off and then apologizes profusely afterwards. I believe she has said “I hate you” to one or both of the boys. She “doesn’t like therapy” and won’t seek it.

I believe the boys are confused and troubled by their mother’s behavior. She is primary caretaker of the children and our son works very hard to support them. I think he is just barely hanging on trying to help her stay on an even keel and keep peace in the home.

Do we intervene or wait for our son or DIL to reach out to us for help? In the past we had the boys for one weekend a month because we love to spend time with them and it was a nice respite for their parents, but that arrangement has been suspended for the last three months. I miss the boys and worry that we just disappeared from their lives.

What to do?

[Notwendy]

Hi Bee- this is a difficult situation and you are not the only one facing this. Please do a search on this board for your topic and you will see a familiar pattern. The pattern is also discussed on the relationship board in terms of sentences like "my BPD wife dislikes my mother".

I have posted my own story with a different situation but similar dynamics- a drama triangle between me ( a grown daughter), BPD mother and expressing concern for my father who was seriously ill at the time. While the relationships are different, the drama (Karpman)  triangle is the pattern.

At first, all seems to go well until a close relative expresses concern about the pwBPD and that relative becomes the "persecutor" to the pwBPD and the pwBPD takes "victim" role. Often their partners have rescuing/enabling traits and the pwBPD expects them to be the "rescuer". The partner is in a tough situation- he either sides with his wife against his relative or faces difficulty in the relationship. With the black and white thinking, it is a my side or her side situation. For some reason, the situation plays out with female relatives more- perhaps the pwBPD feels more threatened by that.

I don't know a good solution. Your son is in a difficult place- he faces the threat of possibly losing ( whether he will or not) his family unit if he doesn't comply with his wife. You may see her as the villain in this - but also keep in mind that your son is a part of this as well. I believe he loves you but feels he has little choice but to go along with this or lose his marriage.

If you think the grandchildren are truly being abused, then notifying social services is the route to go to report any child abuse. However, the legal definition of that could be different from yours and very hard to prove. At the level of concern you described, I don't think social services could intervene. Not being a good parent is not considered child abuse.

You have noticed something typical of parents with NPD/BPD- they see their children as extensions of themselves and expect them to be peers or emotional caretakers. A frustrated toddler saying " I hate you" is not uncommon- but that toddler needs a mature parent who won't react to that on his level. Yet, the boys also have a parent- their father- and I imagine he is struggling between intervening and dealing with the reaction to this from his wife- another triangle.

Do you intervene? IMHO, and I am not an expert- unless you see unquestionable child abuse- in this case needing social services- anything you say or do will likely further alienate you from this family. Reporting to social services would do this as well,  but at that point the main issue is the safety of the child.

Your son has laid down the parameters for which he is allowed ( and he goes along with )to have contact with you. I think for the sake of that relationship- it is important that you respect his wishes for now. I think it was great that you had the boys once a month, and hopefully that would happen again- but I think the best chance of that is to respect the boundaries that your son has asked for. I am sure he knows that this decision is hurtful to you- but as you described- he is barely hanging on to deal with his situation and your feelings are probably more than he can manage.

But do not cut contact with him. He has allowed texts- so send texts without any strings attached. "Hi son, how are you". or "wishing you a happy birthday" . His wife's emotions are strong, but also volatile. A rule made one day may be different the next. What may happen eventually is that they may need someone to watch the boys. Or the boys will get older, less compliant and be more of a challenge to her- not in a bad way, but that they will question her behavior. My mother did a similar thing with my father's family- they did not like each other, but when school was out, she also didn't like dealing with us kids all day long. We were able to then visit my father's family during school vacations. These were wonderful times for us growing up.

Your concerns that their mother may cause issues for them are valid, but having even a little time with my father's family made a difference. I don't know how this will play out with your son, but his situation is also his decision. Intervention on your part would make you the "bad guy" and divert his attention from the cause of his own issues- his decisions and his relationships. Only when he chooses to do something about it will that change. For you- take care of yourself and your feelings- this hurts, but also leave the door open to your relationship with him. I hope that one day he chooses to let that happen.

[Bee Crocker]

Thank you notwendy. Very helpful.