Struggletown

[Datingbpd]

Hi all.
So my partner has BPD. He is high functioning and refuses counselling. We broke up twice before I discovered BPD after a counsellor told me she believed he had it (his current diagnosis is bipolar but after learning more about BPD I believe he definitely has the latter). I am a psych student and trying to learn all i can about BPD. My partner and I have been back together for 8 months and living together for the last 2. I am really struggling because he does not want people to know we are seeing each other (fear of abandonment and another break up) but this is becoming increasingly hard for me trying to live a double life and to have time with him as well as friends and family when both are separate. I understand that boundaries are really important with BPD and when we first started seeing each other again we both agreed that keeping it quiet was best until we knew where it was heading. I feel the situation had changed. We are committed and living together but I do not know how to have this conversation with him. Any advice/tips would be hugely appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lady Itone]

Personally, I would find that situation untenable. Being kept secret while living together sounds horribly isolating.How is it even possible to hide such a thing?

"I feel the situation had changed. We are committed and living together but I do not know how to have this conversation with him."

Can't you start by saying that to him? Perhaps you can start by telling just a couple people, those closest to you and most supportive of your relationship, maybe?

[Tattered Heart]

HI DatingBPD,

I'm sorry that your partner is not wanting to disclose your relationship to each other. I really like Lady Itone's suggestion of starting by telling only a few close friends and family members. Now that you are living together I think that's a sign that things are heading into a more serious relationship.

It's important that you are able to keep your voice in this relationship and that often means asking/saying things that your pwBPD may not like to hear. We have a communication skill called DEARMAN that can be used to talk to your pwBPD about things you want and need.

If you would like to practice how to start the conversation, we can help you tweak it and work through wording. If you are comfortable having the conversation, can you share how it might go here?