I didn’t know this had a name...

[Jersey G]

I’m brand new here. I had an abusive Father, and have been married for 34 years. I just learned that most of my life can  be summed up in 3 letters. BPD. I fit the classic enabler, and finally know I cannot continue in fear, obligation and guilt. I want out of the fog! I look forward to learning from those who have gone before!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome Jersey G,

Now that you have a name for it, how do you feel about knowing what it is?

WOuld you share a little more about your relationship and what has been going on in it?

[Jersey G]

Though long- this is the short story- 

I married when I was 19, and my husband is several years older.  As I mentioned, I understand now that my father showed classic BPD signs.  He just passed away and sadly, he never sought help. My mother stayed miserable for 45 years!
 I'm going to be vulnerable here... .I am a Christian who truly loves God, His Word and His Presence, but I've come to realize I've so misunderstood what horizontal love is supposed to look like. I learned since I entered the covenant of marriage, that I can’t divorce unless he committed adultery.  Since I had no proof of that, I then focused on forgiving, being thankful it wasn't ALL bad, being the peacemaker and protector in my home, finding creative ways to bring up subjects so to avoid emotional explosions, praying more for my husband, and believing for a miracle.  I made excuses for him, felt sorry for him, but then would be full of guilt as I’d struggle with loneliness and bitterness for its impact on me and our kids.  I had 2 kids young, so threw myself into raising and protecting them as much as possible from the emotional abuse and neglect.  I became my husband's mother... .secretary... .counselor... .and did my best to remain his lover- given his emotions would spiral if not satisfied.  Being a part of a church that was sin-focused, my husband's self-hatred became even more pronounced.  We knew Jesus died for our sins, but my husband became even more fixated with his own imperfections.  This led to more depression, anger, guilt, outbursts, crying and tons of it.  His work was his main addiction, so his hours out of the house were a relief. Wonderful Christian friends, a ministry I was involved with, and my family were a huge blessing.  I had always wanted to adopt a child, so did when our two kids were 10 and 13. I threw myself into the adoption world, and special-needs world. (We didn't realize we had adopted a special-needs baby until several months after we got home) I then had 2 kids who needed protecting, and 2 (husband and SN child) who both needed so much more than I felt I could manage.  We kept going to church, and I was always surprised at how many people at church thought all my husband’s self-hatred was humility. Since they believed this, I did my best to swallow that pill. Fast forward- I began to see so much fear of abandonment (though I didn't know to call it that) whenever I'd leave for the weekend, or emotionally would detach.  He'd become incredibly anxious, emotionally manipulative and want physical connection as a fix.  I began seeing a therapist for an unrelated issue, and quickly she targeted in on our marriage. I had developed Adrenal Failure several years prior, and couldn't handle the stress anymore.  I was still trying to work on our marriage, stay in a place of forgiveness, figure out how to fix, fix, fix, rescue, rescue, rescue.  The counselor, though helpful in a lot of ways, said I needed to view my husband as someone in a wheelchair, so I tried to conjure up more empathy.  During this time, his suicidal thoughts became more pronounced.  I wondered if it was because I was doing something to help myself for the first time, and he was threatened. I made him an appointment with a doctor, and he has begrudgingly been on an anti-depressant now for the past 4 years.  It has greatly helped the mood swings, but the underlying behavior and thought patterns remain.  We moved to a new state, and started attending an amazing church that isn’t sin focused and one that actually teaches on behavioral health.  I began to read books, open up about what was going on behind closed doors and learn about my identity as me- not "us".  Thru amazing counsel of a friend, I experienced a tremendous amount of healing from the stuff with my father.  I knew my marriage was next in line.  I started Googling enabler symptoms, and found how closely linked the enabler tends to be with this thing called, “BPD”. I read a LONG list of symptoms just last week and I cried.  Cried because this is my husband. Cried because this has a name.  Cried because I finally feel understood.  Cried because it's not at all an easy path. Cried because I don't know if he'll choose to submit to the process.  I read about FOG.  I cried that I've contributed to his problems. (I’m not the crier in this family- truly!)  Soo... .the end of this novel brings me to this support group and my brand-new plan.  I have an appointment with a trauma counselor next week, and we’ll go from there.  I’m convinced I have some PTSD, and I’m committed to getting out of the FOG and rebuilding my life!
I want to hug each and every one of you to say how sorry I am for the path you've had to walk... .but also to say thank you for being here to help people like myself.

[pearlsw]

Hi Jersey G,

So glad you found us! I am truly impressed with how fast you are moving this and your incredible strength to keep working so hard at this. I know it was an incredible relief for me too when I was realized I was not alone in all of this - that there were others who can relate.

Please keep posting and sharing with us - your insights and efforts will be a comfort for all us. We'll get to learn along with you as you gain new insights!

May I ask which of the symptoms your husband has? Mine does not have all, he has traits, but would not reach the level of a diagnosis which is what made it hard for a long time to sort this all out, but the symptoms he does have are severe - whatever is going on with him is severe and it makes life so hard.

Thanks again for your post!

wishing you peace, pearlsw.

[Skip]

I knew my marriage was next in line.  I started Googling enabler symptoms, and found how closely linked the enabler tends to be with this thing called, “BPD”. I read a LONG list of symptoms just last week and I cried.  Cried because this is my husband. Cried because this has a name.  Cried because I finally feel understood.  Cried because it's not at all an easy path. Cried because I don't know if he'll choose to submit to the process. 

So how are thing going with you two?

[Jersey G]

We are separated in our home and have both started counseling.  My husband is also seeing a doctor who specializes in personality disorders.  I'm simply trying to protect myself, and stop the cycle of fear, obligation, and guilt!  I read Stop Walking on Eggshells, and am now reading Stop Caretaking the BPD.  I am underlining so much of the book... .it is like reading my life .

[pearlsw]

Hi Jersey G,

Would you like to give us an example of what resonated when you read that book?

sincerely, pearl.

[Jersey G]

Reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, gave me terminology, understanding, validation, compassion, and confirmed my need for a plan.  Reading Stop being the Caretaker, is putting the focus more on me.  I took the Caretaker test, and was sobered to find that out of a possible score of 180, I scored a 171.  I think I desperately need this book .  Being a caretaker can be a beautiful gift... .but not when it's motivated by the dreaded Fear, Obligation, and Guilt.  I'm just diving into chapter 4.  Chapter 3 was the big, "Ah-ha" chapter... .confirming this is what I've become.  Now to learn how to stop these patterns!