counting days

[bluek9]

Hi to everyone, I have shared my exhaustion, my head spinning and my nuggets of peace. I found myself counting the days since Monday. It has been 4 days since I hired a housekeeper and 4 days of peace with my D, no melt downs, no screaming, and she has been nice. This morning I after getting my grandson up for the day, the screaming started. She was screaming at him because he wasn't doing something fast enough for her. It's easy enough to intervene but makes a hard way to start the day.
           Last night I sat and read a new book I hate you, don't leave me. It literally made my head hurt. It was easy reading and very informative. It gave me a good insight into the different aspects and dynamics of BPD. One of which can be somatization. Where they focus on their physical ill's. Oh my gosh, my D does this all the time. Every day it's a new pain or injury or sickness. Before I never tied it BPD I thought she was just constantly seeking attention. Now for the last 4 days there has been none of this, today she is so sick and can't get out of bed. Mind you I am thrilled to have had 4 whole days of peace. Reading this book and the one's I have coming makes me so very angry! I hate mental illness, I hate seeing what it does to my D. Most of what I have taken in so far says to see them with empathy, I can do that but, the more I understand the more I know how deeply the pain goes for her. That really pisses me off, and to make it worse at best all she can learn to do is manage something that will torment her for the rest of her life. It's not like it's ever going away, it will always color her thoughts, feelings and interactions with the world. And that makes me even angrier.
           My mothers ferocity what's to fight something, I want to be able to help her see that something's can be safe. Yes she is in therapy it's a slow process, sometimes I think her cognitive ability is so damaged she will never be able to put new skills into place. One day we can talk about a new concept or a new way of way communicating with each other; and the next day it's as if she never knew any of it.
           So I go forward taking each day as it comes with what ever struggle it brings. I am happy to have found this forum and the people who so graciously respond to me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

You hang in there, Bluek9!    The path all of us are walking down is not an easy commute.  The thing is, you are learning how to better negotiate the obstacles.  You are doing your homework and getting skills you didn't have before.  In turn, this is going to give you more confidence to carry on... .make little changes here and there... .get empowered.

"I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" was the first book I read.  That was way back in the 90's when there was little information available.  Oh, how things have changed!  I literally had tears in my eyes when I read it.   My daughter was being described!  There really was a a problem.  I was being validated... .finally.

I think it is great that you have joined us here.  Isn't it wonderful to put those fingers on the keyboard and pour out your heart?  That, in itself, is therapeutic.   Good for you in hiring that housekeeper!  Make sure to use the saved time for something else that gives you a lift.

A big part of my healing has been in acceptance... .what is... .IS... .a work-in-progress for sure.  This IS my life so rather than wasting time wishing for something different, I try to look it in the eye, deal with the best I can... .then move on.

Yeah, I get mad, too.  Sometimes I need that emotion to snap me to attention... .helps to pull me away from settling into any Pity Parties.

So, onward and upward, Bluek9.  Here is a   for you!

Huat

 

[Lollypop]

Hi bluek9

I totally understand that anger. I’d then swing into hopeless.  Then swing into Mrs Fixit.

With the knowledge gathered through the reading books and stories in the forum my swings got less - I became more balanced. What finally helped was seeing tiny improvements. My life was literally conversation by conversation - it was like I lived in two time warps. Fast learning - slow simple conversations.

You’re doing exactly the right thing and I’m pleased as punch you posted to vent. It’s therapy and became a very important tool of my own self care.

Boy, I envy you your housekeeper!  I hope you have time to go outside and play with that grandchild or do something just for yourself. Like Huat so eloquently says we deserve a life too.

I let my DS have his life. It wasn’t the one I wanted for him. He has challenges but he has to learn a way of living despite the problems. He’s doing that now and amazingly is finding a way and he’s happier.

I hope you have a good day today

LP

[bluek9]

Thank you Huat and Lollypop, as always it's so helpful for me to hear from others. I am thankful for the books. Finally there is name for this behavior. We started out with the diagnosis of aspburgers, ADHD. It soon became apparent that this was much more than aspburgers. I'm thinking that it's going to take a minuet for total acceptance, but I'm working on it daily. My hope remains that she will learn some skills for the ay I'm not Around any more. She often expresses fear and worry about it.
     Lollypop, yes! I make every second count for my JJ (grandson). Often we go to the beach, park or just take a long walk. He is only 6 and it makes my heart glad to spend time with him and know that I can provide him life's little moments for him. I'm also very glad that they live with me, often I am the buffer between his little brain and his mothers wrath and confusion. It was unexpected to be raising another child at my age but, I wouldn't miss a moment of it. My D has been in a relationship with a man in prison for the last 3 years. Not healthy and not my choice. She cannot comprehend the many down falls of something like this. I support her without being a nagger. Only now has come the time for this man to be released and she is talking of meeting him, and has recently brought up the thought of having another baby. That scares the hell out of me. I have practiced tough love on both my kids for years. I totally believe in letting them make their own choices and then owning the responsibility of the consequences. An YES my D has made some really bad choices. All I can do is be here for her and attempt to help it sort it out. Thanks for all the support guys