Why am I such a mess?

[Lulu65]

I've recently ended a 3 year relationship that has been unhealthy for quite some time. It was my decision and I know it's the best and right thing to do but somehow I'm falling to pieces. I lost all sense of myself and was forever trying to accommodate and please my very unpredictable, moody and impulsive partner. When I sought out my therapist to help me cope and "tell the whole story" she suggested borderline concerns. It had been mentioned in his therapy several years ago but has not been diagnosed or if it has been,it wasn't shared with me. He certainly could be the poster child for BPD (high functioning) and of course, I love so much about him... .I can't reconcile how hard I've taken this with what I know to be the truth. Looking for ideas or words of wisdom

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pluto23]

I can completely empathise with your situation. I have ended my marriage so many times but always take him back. This time I have filled for divorce but I just can't stop thinking about all of his good qualities and how kind, caring, thoughtful he can be. Any break up is a loss and there will be a lengthy period of grief no matter how much you may have wanted it to end. In my heart I didn't want it to end I just wanted him to change and I have to accept that that's never going to happen and that is really tough. Despite the heartbreaking turmoil I have endured during the past 6 years with him, I still feel like I love him and that sounds ridiculous even as I am saying it. He was passive aggressive/controlling, I lost all of my hobbies, hardly saw my family as I moved away to be with him, he was moody, aggressive, critical of my daughter, has two completely messed up children of his own, he had an addiction to porn and has had problems with alcohol abuse during our marriage! I should be jumping for joy that I am free of him but instead I feel heartbroken! I can really feel your pain. Breaking away is tough.

[pearlsw]

Hi Lulu65,

Sorry for your pain over this... .Just to check in and be clear... .Are you hoping to Reverse this Breakup or did you perhaps mean to post on the post-relationship board?

What are you feeling now about your relationship? Do you think it will resume at some point?

wishing you well, pearl.

[Lulu65]

I'm of course regretting in some ways ending things-I'm only remembering the good stuff and I miss him very much.  I'd like to find a way to make us work but don't really know if that's a reasonable desire. Loving someone hard like this makes being objective pretty tough. I don't know if the possibility even exists at this point and I think I'm grieving and looking for something to make me feel a little better. I'm also a little angry that his therapist hasn't ever asked to have me present even for a few minutes though we lived together and much of his treatment was around improving our relationship. I'm just really confused. I think we could have had a better chance of success if we had sought services together

[Lulu65]

So I guess I'd like information about the likelihood of success in reversing a breakup? Is there hope? Can he become more in control of his impulsively? Are there really people that come out the other side stronger and healthier together?

[pearlsw]

Hi again,

Oh, I see. Are you in contact since the breakup? Would he want you there with his therapist? Has he shown interest in a reconciliation?

take care, pearl.