Reflections after 13 months of NC/LC

[AustenJ]

It's been a little over a year since my relationship with my diagnosed exBPDgf came crashing down. I still work with her in a small organization, which at times, especially in the first 3 or 4 months made recovery difficult. Over the past several months she rarely enters my thoughts anymore as I have moved on. If I ever think about our relationship, it's typically about all of the red flags I refused to see, and I thank my lucky stars that I broke free of that toxic relationship, because it was killing me.

She still wears her mask of happiness at work, but I know better... .she's still sad and empty inside, coping by cutting, drinking, vaping, driving recklessly and having impulsive sex, all while being in a serious relationship with my replacement. In a span of 2 weeks at the end of our relationship more than a year ago, she slept with me, an ex, a female stripper, and my replacement... .I look back on that time in awe of her destructiveness and total lack of empathy. It was like we were all auditioning for the next tragic victim/coping mechanism in her life. I am so glad I did not get the part!

She has made attempts to get me back involved with her as her current relationship heads to the altar, and she is getting engulfed by the intimacy and fear of abandonment... .she has offered up to me threesomes in her hot tub, drinking trysts in the park, and even sex in the office... .even though she is with "the one" who she will marry and have children with.

I am glad I am no longer "the one," as her behavior and destructive habits will never change, and she will continue to destroy others, happily. I have learned that treating her with indifference is my best course of action now. She no longer matters in my life, at all.

[FindingMe2011]

I am glad I am no longer "the one," as her behavior and destructive habits will never change, and she will continue to destroy others, happily. I have learned that treating her with indifference is my best course of action now. She no longer matters in my life, at all.


It appears that possibly, you have not really understood, the illness, or choose not to believe the facts... .Its a little deeper than "destroy others happily"... .no?maybe?... .Indifference is non judgemental... .not right, wrong... .just IS... .Do you believe you are at a place of indifference? ... .You posted after 13 months, to talk about her, negatively? yet she doesnt matter? I could be wrong, but something else, seems to be hanging you up? Maybe the fact she is planning to marry?... .I wish u well, PEACE

[gotbushels]

 

I still work with her in a small organization, which at times, especially in the first 3 or 4 months made recovery difficult.

Well done on your recovery so far. It's not easy to do the acceptance or letting go when you see this person frequently during the week.

If I ever think about our relationship, it's typically about all of the red flags I refused to see, and I thank my lucky stars that I broke free of that toxic relationship, because it was killing me.

I do think signals that something else is there that isn't what we may want in a relationship are important. Well done on seeing those, and recognising the negative effect it had on you.

Many relationships with pwBPDs can cause undesirable physical effects in the non's body. I do think when one consciously releases oneself from such a relationship, it has a liberating quality. There was a spouse of a member here (not the pwBPD) that mentioned the non she was dating (the partner of the pwBPD) got a dx for a critical illness below 40(?) and passed away. A lot of us don't experience the tremendous healing from such a horrific state of body, but what we do have is a position where we are at relatively lower risk of disease. That is, the links to the causes are reduced, so there's blessing there. We don't often see that. That helps me see that "stars" that helped burn much brighter than we may first perceive. 

I think it's recognising what you call a refusal of seeing that's also important. Did you figure out why you had a tolerance for those things or a want of denying the things which you now call red flags?

It was like we were all auditioning for the next tragic victim/coping mechanism in her life. I am so glad I did not get the part!

I do think that's a relief for many people here. When we have the hindsight and being outside of the triggering by the issues--we then may realise that we're in some way very blessed that we didn't stay for a long time in that relationship.

I hope you're enjoying your peace. 

[AustenJ]

FindingMe2011-

I don't think I'm treating her negatively as much as I've come to the realization that her BPD is very destructive to all, including herself, of course. The indifference now is coming at the realization is that she will never change.
Former and future lovers have/will experience the same negative coping mechanisms and relationship failures.

The only one that can help her is herself, and she refuses to do that even though she insists "she's not that girl" anymore. Her real craziness is continuing to do the same things and expecting different results. Her diagnosis is very sad. But I can spend no more of my time worrying about her.

[Zen606]

Hi AustenJ,
Count yourself lucky that you are no longer the focus! You sound at peace!
Yesterday was my 90 day anniversary of NC and it feels great!   
Zen606

[heartandwhole]

AustenJ,

I commend your ability to detach while still seeing your ex frequently. That would have very difficult for me.

It sounds like you’ve moved on and are seeing things more clearly. I can relate to that... .and the attempts to connect by pw BPD (who got married after our breakup).

What helped you the most to detach? Especially when you had to see her?

heartandwhole

[Bo123]

You are lucky she is gone, it could have been so much worse.  Keep moving and leave the past behind.  Best of luck.