Leaving with dignity

[coffeemommmy]

Hello,

For the last couple of years I have been involved with a man I once described as "complex" but after googling certain feelings I would have after our *bizarre- I use that word only because that's how I felt-* interactions, borderline personality disorder kept popping up as a theme. The deeper I delved into it, the more convinced I was that he was suffering from traits of BPD. I'm not a doctor, so I encouraged him to speak to his therapist about it. He told me his therapist said he does not have BPD but that he simply has trust issues. However, the only resources that have helped me cope, since I am not part of his therapy, have been BPD websites. Maybe it's wrong, but I am firmly convicted he has BPD. Our conflict, which escalates quickly and unpredictably, invariably stems from a fear of me leaving him or him being rejected. We have nasty, awful fights at least once a week and for me, I am usually completely confused about why we are fighting and what set him off. Usually, when we get down to the root, it has everything to do with him perceiving rejection and often has very little basis in reality. His fear of abandonment is profound, he spends money when he's stressed ($22k last month on computer equipment and vacations), he has attempted suicide, has failed consecutive relationships (one with domestic abuse charges), virtually no relationships with anyone (family or otherwise) because he lays waste to people when he feels slighted, and his perception of reality is skewed and too complicated to convey here in this message.

Shockingly and with much encouragement, last month he moved 3 states away to take his dream job. I am very proud of him because I know how hard this was to physically move away from me. Since then, however, it has become trudgery and my anxiety is at an all-time high with him. If I don't call or text him first thing in the morning, he gets agitated. If we don't have "Meaningful Interaction" (all his definitions of what "meaningful" means) every day, then he blames me for being disconnected. Without belaboring symptoms, the gist is that I don't even recognize myself anymore. My kids have started to slide down in my list of priorities because he wants to be my #1. My diet, my sleep, my exercise is suffering, and there are days where we have fought for hours and I am not myself at work. Lately, I find that I'd rather sleep all day and I've started having chest pains.

With the fact that I have young children that rely on me and in reality are my #1 priority, that he doesn't feel as though he needs help, and the sheer toxicity of the life I've allowed him to create on my end of things, I feel as though I need to leave. I am petrified. The list of fears I have around leaving this relationship is rather long, but the main fears I carry is that he will quit his job and come running back to me which would financially ruin him, that he will commit suicide (he has attempted in the past), that he will seek revenge and ruin my life, that he will yet again convince me that he will change and charm me back into the black hole of his sickness. He is hell bent on getting me to relocate with my kids and I worry that I'll give in to that, even though I know it's wrong, in order to placate him.
Simply writing these things down makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety and when I do read it out loud, I am ashamed of how truly weak I've become and how much power I've given away.
I need advice on how to leave him gracefully and with love and dignity.
Thank you,

[Red5]

... .has failed consecutive relationships (one with domestic abuse charges), virtually no relationships with anyone (family or otherwise) because he lays waste to people when he feels slighted, and his perception of reality is skewed and too complicated to convey here in this message.

... .Without belaboring symptoms, the gist is that I don't even recognize myself anymore. My kids have started to slide down in my list of priorities because he wants to be my #1. My diet, my sleep, my exercise is suffering, and there are days where we have fought for hours and I am not myself at work. Lately, I find that I'd rather sleep all day and I've started having chest pains.

... .With the fact that I have young children that rely on me and in reality are my #1 priority,

I need advice on how to leave him gracefully and with love and dignity.

Thank you,

Coffeemommmy, Welcome !

You have found a good and safe place to come too, and learn.

I can concur with many of the things you write,

Like the absence of relationships, yes, my sig/other is also like this, I have seen her run off a few friends and professional acquaintances here and there over the years, and there are also constant squabbles with her family of origin, as well her own children (second marriage for both of us).

You also write about not being able to recognize yourself anymore, and health related issues, this is a stark fact of living with a pw/BPD, over time, left unabated, the situation in which you live, and exist will wear you down, I called this “losing myself”… it can be all consuming, and it is very taxing on every element of your psychi, this need to be controlled, you have to take time for yourself, and disengage, and heal; rejuvenate yourself, to take care of yourself, like the analogy of oxygen mask on an airliner, they say to put yours on first before helping others, as you may pass out if you don’t.

You write that you also have small children, I cannot emphasize enough, children will pick up on this, they will see the changes in you, in daily interactions, as we know and understand; a child’s world needs to be safe, and secure, and they need to know the security of a good home life, very hard I know.

In closing, learn all you can here, there are a great many tools to be learnt about here, that will help you to understand more, so that you can effectively communicate, and deal with your significant other.

There is also another broad here that is called “Romantic Relationship | Detaching from a Failed Relationship”; that could also be a good resource for you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0

Please tell us more when you can, there will be others who will come along and offer much better advice than me, but I have to tell you , this site has really helped me immensely!

Best regards, Red5

[Lucky Jim]

Hey coffee mommy, Let me echo Red5 and say Welcome.  The place to start, I suggest, is with yourself, by treating yourself with care and compassion.  In other words, put yourself first for a change.  Try to figure out what is the right path for you.  Losing oneself is a common problem in a BPD r/s and I once forgot who I was for a while there, which was not fun.  Would it be possible for you to reach out to a close friend or family member?  It's easy to get isolated in a BPD r/s, which is a problem because you can lose all perspective.  I suggest you be careful about shouldering blame that does not really belong on your back, because those w/BPD are experts at shifting blame to the Non.  Your task, I suggest, is to let the blame roll off your back, like that of a duck.  I have a saying: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."

LuckyJim

[Lalathegreat]

Hi Coffee Mommy! Welcome to the BPD family! I related to the description of your relationship, particularly the part about stumbling into arguments and fights where you cannot determine what you did to trigger it. I suspect that many of us here can relate to what you are saying.

My ex also had a troubling relationship history that included domestic violence, and I caution you to take that as serious as a heart attack. My relationship ended as the result of a vicious physical assault. Men who have crossed that line are likely to do so again and can be extraordinarily dangerous.

Having said that, nobody here can tell you what you need to do. I encourage reading all of the tools to give yourself an idea if there is anything you haven't tried that might shift the current dynamic. I absolutely agree with the others in saying that this is about figuring out what YOU need. We have a tendency as partners of a BPD to take on their well being and to lose ourselves in the pursuit of holding THEIR life together. Think of yourself first when making this decision. He will do what he is going to do in response to any decision you make, and those are his choices the consequences of which are his to face.

That might sound simplistic given how complicated these relationships are, how deep the emotions involved can be, and how difficult confrontation and conflict are for so many of us. I particularly sympathize with your fear that he might commit suicide - I had that same fear with my BPD and it definitely contributed to keeping me trapped long past when my needs had stopped being served in any way. Just remember - YOU ARE FIRST, you and your children.

I relate to your desire to end things with respect and dignity and as gracefully as possible. I very much felt the same. Fair warning, I have yet to hear a story of a BPD break up that ended up being that way. These pairings seem to end much in the way they were lived, with tremendous intensity and conflict. That doesn't mean that bringing a relationship to a close isn't going to the best choice for you. It just means that you have to prepare for and expect a reality in which there will be difficulty and the unique challenges that come from parting from a partner with BPD.

Please keep posting, I received so much support and guidance here and will be forever grateful. I look forward to continuing to follow and support you on your journey.

Lala
 

[AskingWhy]

coffeemommmy, welcome.  You have come to the right place.

You certainly have done your research and understand well the mechanisms of BPD.  You are not alone. 

Living with a partner with BPD is something that can only be understood by a person who has experienced it. 

Please allow yourself to explore your feelings on this board.  You are not alone in this.