Introduction - Just broke off my engagement

[wilting]

Hi everyone. Newbie here who would like to introduce myself and share my recent experience.

My ex-fiancee broke off our engagement not so long ago just before a major holiday. It was one of the most terrible days in my life and I am still hurting to this day.

We still have a lot of administrative matters to settle after breaking off our engagement. To be honest, I do not have any desire to deal with these issues. Every time I contact her I would end up being accused of various things, including never loving her enough, not sacrificing enough for her and always placing my friends before her. I am going for a holiday soon and hopefully, I can clear my mind sufficiently to deal with these issues thereafter.

For some background, she is a really wonderful person who unfortunately seems to be suffering from BPD (and its associated extreme insecurity). This may be due to some childhood emotional trauma with her family.

We were together for almost 4 years and she would suddenly blow up emotionally every few months. I suspected that she had BPD after the second major blow up when everything I did seems to be wrong in her eyes. I would be accused of many things - thinking she is replaceable, that she is not special, not placing her as a priority, prioritizing my friends, not protecting her in front of others etc. There was also no warning before her major blowups.

Be that as it may, after reading up about BPD online and learning some management techniques, I thought I would be able to handle her outbursts and proposed to her. I was wrong.

The last blow up was worse than ever and it lead to her calling off the wedding. I am usually able to placate her after a few days but this time she was emotionally distraught for almost 2 months. When it seemed that our wedding is over, in a moment of panic I mentioned that she may be suffering from BPD. This is the final nail in the coffin. It was probably made worst by the fact that she is a successful medical professional and actually knows a bit of what BPD is.   

I am now coming to terms with the situation. She would still text me every now and then. Sometimes she would be apologetic and sometimes she would accuse me of things. This is making the recovery process even more difficult and hopefully, I would have the courage to deal with this matter decisively instead of dragging my feet. Would share more when I have the time.

[schwing]

Hi Wilting and

I'm sorry your engagement ended in the manner it did.  I'm sorry that your ex-fiancee suffers from this disorder.

The last blow up was worse than ever and it lead to her calling off the wedding. I am usually able to placate her after a few days but this time she was emotionally distraught for almost 2 months. When it seemed that our wedding is over, in a moment of panic I mentioned that she may be suffering from BPD. This is the final nail in the coffin. It was probably made worst by the fact that she is a successful medical professional and actually knows a bit of what BPD is.  

I don't think most medical professions know what BPD is; rather I think most are more aware of the stigma associated with the disorder and probably few understand they dynamics inside the person suffering from BPD.

The part that I think I understand, I'll try to communicate to you.  And hopefully this partial understanding will help you gain some kind of closure and possibly some acceptance for what is going on with your BPD loved one.

For some background, she is a really wonderful person who unfortunately seems to be suffering from BPD (and its associated extreme insecurity). This may be due to some childhood emotional trauma with her family.

I think for some people with BPD (pwBPD), their experience is a kind of PTSD related to family dynamics.  The trauma may be due to some kind of abuse, but not necessarily so.  The key ingredient as I understand it is some kind of perceived abandonment or betrayal (or even denigration) associated with a close, intimate attachment.  Such that for pwBPD, these kinds of interpersonal dynamics which elicit feelings of intimacy, closeness, familiarity also (if not simultaneous) trigger feelings of impending abandonment, betrayal or denigration.

PwBPD don't seem to be reliving specific traumatic memories as is the case for PTSD, but rather the anticipation of such traumatic memories.

Every time I contact her I would end up being accused of various things, including never loving her enough, not sacrificing enough for her and always placing my friends before her. I am going for a holiday soon and hopefully, I can clear my mind sufficiently to deal with these issues thereafter.

Even though the engagement is broken and you are separated, she is still stuck in a loop where you are the one who is betraying her by "never loving her enough" or who is planning to abandon her "always placing [your] friends before her."

We were together for almost 4 years and she would suddenly blow up emotionally every few months. I suspected that she had BPD after the second major blow up when everything I did seems to be wrong in her eyes. I would be accused of many things - thinking she is replaceable, that she is not special, not placing her as a priority, prioritizing my friends, not protecting her in front of others etc. There was also no warning before her major blowups.

As I understand it, the more pwBPD become attached to you, depend on you, the more they have to deal with their imagined fear that you will abandon them.  :)ifferent pwBPD use different avoidance behaviors to help mitigate (or medicate) their disordered feelings.  My BPD mother would always drive off in her car and leave the house for multiple hours.  As I now see it, this was her "abandoning" the family before her family could abandon her.

Consider if ahead of each of your BPD loved one's major blowups, was it preceded by a significant occasions/event such as a major holiday or anniversary or relationship landmark?

I am now coming to terms with the situation. She would still text me every now and then. Sometimes she would be apologetic and sometimes she would accuse me of things. This is making the recovery process even more difficult and hopefully, I would have the courage to deal with this matter decisively instead of dragging my feet. Would share more when I have the time.

Be wary. After you've spent some time apart, I think that distance allows your BPD loved one a break from their disordered feelings towards you.  And when their disordered emotions aren't overwhelming them, they can rationalize and compartmentalize to such a degree that you may end up questioning your own recollection and memory.  This is especially the case for high functioning pwBPD.  Give them enough time and they will convince you that you are the disordered one.

You are in the right place.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[ConcernedMan92]

Hey, I'm incredibly sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm in a similar position as you, she just got distant and said it wasnt working anymore and we were actually about to get married this year. Its only been 3 months now I've been in no contact for about 1 month after I found out she's already sleeping with other people. Its just hard to believe someone you know so well can do things like that out of the blue.

I'd advice you to start improving yourself, take care of yourself, start going to the gym, hangout with your friends and don't jump into relationship just yet, you are way better than behaving like someone with BPD. Stay strong mate! Wish you all the best! 

[babyducks]

Hi Wilting

I want to join in with the gang and say

schwing wrote a great post, and I really appreciate what he said.

I want to pick up on one point he made.

I think for some people with BPD (pwBPD), their experience is a kind of PTSD related to family dynamics.  The trauma may be due to some kind of abuse, but not necessarily so.  The key ingredient as I understand it is some kind of perceived abandonment or betrayal (or even denigration) associated with a close, intimate attachment.  Such that for pwBPD, these kinds of interpersonal dynamics which elicit feelings of intimacy, closeness, familiarity also (if not simultaneous) trigger feelings of impending abandonment, betrayal or denigration.

PwBPD don't seem to be reliving specific traumatic memories as is the case for PTSD, but rather the anticipation of such traumatic memories.

this was hard for me to grasp for a while.   the fact that my partner was not so much reacting to what I was doing or not doing but to her internal memories, fears and pain.

I am sorry you are going through this.   I am glad that you decided to reach out and share.    Keeping posting and reading here.   as one old time member always says... .the simple act of writing out our feelings and story is a great way to heal.

'ducks

[wilting]

Apologies for the late reply as I went on holiday to forget my troubles. Thank you, everyone, for the warm welcome and kind words. It is extremely comforting to know I am not alone in dealing with this kind of situation, though I wouldn't want anyone to go through something similar.

Thank you very much scwing for your kind words and insightful analysis of my situation. I have always felt that my situation seemed to fit a lot of what I read online about BPD but you have very helpfully broken down each individual element and more and less confirmed that my ex has traits of BPD.

Be wary. After you've spent some time apart, I think that distance allows your BPD loved one a break from their disordered feelings towards you.  And when their disordered emotions aren't overwhelming them, they can rationalize and compartmentalize to such a degree that you may end up questioning your own recollection and memory.  This is especially the case for high functioning pwBPD.  Give them enough time and they will convince you that you are the disordered one.

Just to update, she continues texting me and I always end up replying. She continues alternating between being (1) apologetic/aware of the harm she has caused and (2) being angry with me and repeating all her earlier accusations. The latter actually helped me gain the clarity that it was probably a good thing that she called off the wedding. The dangerous part was her being sorry and that just melts by heart. I know I have to be strong and rational to see it as a cycle of push and pull but it is really not easy.   

I end up reading her earlier messages just to see how much emotional trauma I went through. That gave me comfort, as I am reminded that it was a good thing she called off the wedding.

In this connection, I got a good scolding from my close friends every time I suggested that I may actually get back together with her   

Consider if ahead of each of your BPD loved one's major blowups, was it preceded by a significant occasions/event such as a major holiday or anniversary or relationship landmark?

The latest blowup started just before she went on a holiday and the actual break up happened just before Christmas eve. You are right most blowups happened just before major occasions or holidays.

Hey, I'm incredibly sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm in a similar position as you, she just got distant and said it wasnt working anymore and we were actually about to get married this year. Its only been 3 months now I've been in no contact for about 1 month after I found out she's already sleeping with other people. Its just hard to believe someone you know so well can do things like that out of the blue.

Very sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation ConcernedMan92. Hope you are further along the recovery process than I am and thank you for your support!

this was hard for me to grasp for a while.   the fact that my partner was not so much reacting to what I was doing or not doing but to her internal memories, fears and pain.

I am sorry you are going through this.   I am glad that you decided to reach out and share.    Keeping posting and reading here.   as one old time member always says... .the simple act of writing out our feelings and story is a great way to heal.

Thank you babyducks. Writing things out indeed makes things seem a lot clearer and I hope to contribute more. As regards reacting to internal memories, fears, and pain, I couldn't really grasp it too but it seems to be the only plausible explanation for the overreactions and baseless accusations.   

[babyducks]

Hi Wilting


I hope you had a good holiday.   

Just to update, she continues texting me and I always end up replying. She continues alternating between being (1) apologetic/aware of the harm she has caused and (2) being angry with me and repeating all her earlier accusations. The latter actually helped me gain the clarity that it was probably a good thing that she called off the wedding. The dangerous part was her being sorry and that just melts by heart. I know I have to be strong and rational to see it as a cycle of push and pull but it is really not easy.   

Great insight.    Nice solid work.   

You probably already know that shame is at the core of much of BPD - type behavior.   And that right/wrong,  fault/blame conversations are typical in BPD relationships.   

Communicating after a break up is an emotional time.   Hard on both parties.     What I am wondering is, if in your reading have you found some of the communication tools, skills that help make a conversation with a pwBPD less fraught?

There is nothing mysterious about the tools/skills.    They are just ways of taking some of the intensity out and increasing your likelihood of being understand.    The one I had the best luck with was SET.
SET= Support, Empathy, Truth.    When I started working on using SET I had smoother conversations.    Strangely it worked with my mother who had Alzhemiers too.    Took some of the confusion away.

What do you think?

'ducks

[Lucky Jim]

The key ingredient as I understand it is some kind of perceived abandonment or betrayal (or even denigration) associated with a close, intimate attachment.  Such that for pwBPD, these kinds of interpersonal dynamics which elicit feelings of intimacy, closeness, familiarity also (if not simultaneous) trigger feelings of impending abandonment, betrayal or denigration.

Hey Wilting, Welcome!  So sorry to hear what you have been through.  We get it!  Schwing put that well above.  Agree, those w/BPD have an intense fear of abandonment, yet when they get close to someone, it triggers a fight or flight response that often leads directly to the result -- abandonment -- that they seek to avoid.  It's a paradox, yet that's BPD.

What I would like to caution you about is that, in the aftermath of a b/u, it's quite common for the pwBPD to foist all the blame on the Non, which is a way of avoiding his/her own responsibility for the b/u.  In a sense, it gets the blame off their plate and onto yours.  Your task, I suggest, is to let the blame roll off you like water off the back of a duck.  I have a saying: poison is harmless if you don't ingest it.

Have more to say as I once called off a wedding to my BPDxW, followed by a recycle, marriage and ultimately divorce.  Hopefully I can discourage you from following in my footsteps!

You have come to a great place.

LuckyJim

[wilting]

Thanks babyducks and LuckyJim for your responses.

Communicating after a break up is an emotional time.   Hard on both parties.     What I am wondering is, if in your reading have you found some of the communication tools, skills that help make a conversation with a pwBPD less fraught?

Tried using the SET method but didn't seem to work when I met my ex again recently to settle some outstanding issues. I suspect she was probably still very hurt from our breakup and kept insisting that it was I who abandoned her. She did follow up with me after the meeting to explain how things were just not working out for her and she was sorry about the way she spoke to me. It made me feel terrible again and reopened all the emotions I thought I have gotten over.

What I would like to caution you about is that, in the aftermath of a b/u, it's quite common for the pwBPD to foist all the blame on the Non, which is a way of avoiding his/her own responsibility for the b/u.  In a sense, it gets the blame off their plate and onto yours.  Your task, I suggest, is to let the blame roll off you like water off the back of a duck.  I have a saying: poison is harmless if you don't ingest it.

The blame usually just crystalizes my commitment to staying apart. It is those time where she says sorry that totally melt my heart, even though I know it may be part of the recycling process. Sigh.
 

[babyducks]

Tried using the SET method but didn't seem to work when I met my ex again recently to settle some outstanding issues. I suspect she was probably still very hurt from our breakup and kept insisting that it was I who abandoned her. She did follow up with me after the meeting to explain how things were just not working out for her and she was sorry about the way she spoke to me.

I'm wondering if maybe it worked a little bit because she did follow up later and try to explain how she felt.    I found SET and validation to be like learning a different language.    It took some time to develop the skill to really communicate.     

I also found that my Ex processed information and communication so differently than I did that often only part of my message got through... .I often wondered if it was because my Ex's thoughts were always swirling so fast it just plain took longer to communicate.

I also started to use SET and some of the other communication tools with my mother who had Alzhemier's and was surprised to find that they worked with her also.    small changes in the way I communicated made a big difference in how my mother reacted.

It made me feel terrible again and reopened all the emotions I thought I have gotten over.

I'm sorry.   I know that must hurt.   I do suspect that it's going to take a while to get over a lot of what you've experienced.   the loss of these relationships are big losses.   they take a toll in ways that are hard to pull apart.   

are you taking care of yourself?   eating?   sleeping?   trying to get out of the rumination for periods of time?

[wilting]

Thanks babyducks for your post.

I suspect that SET may have worked a bit, although you are right I may not be very good at using this system. Honestly,  it would be difficult for me to consciously use very specific ways of interacting with my ex forever. To my mind, my spouse should be someone I should be totally comfortable with. While I felt this way with her at the start of our relationship, I gradually realised that I started walking on eggshells around her due to her random breakdowns.

The fact that she called off our wedding may therefore be a blessing in disguise.

are you taking care of yourself?   eating?   sleeping?   trying to get out of the rumination for periods of time?

Thank you for the concern. I have a strong support network and although I have exercised a lot less I am still eating and sleeping well. It's just a lingering sadness in me which is painful. I still think of all the "what ifs". 

To an extent, I am more worried about her as she claims she does not have support at all from friends and family.